rate_review Reviews

First lemon? You're joking, right? That was one of the most beautiful lemons that I have ever had the joy of reading! First of all, you had a lemon with my favorite Naruto couple(there are enough SasuNaru fics as there is and not enough NaruHina)! Secondly, everyone stayed in character! Third, you did something which helps make lemons succeed. You kept in the innocence and emotion. Write more for these 2! They need it! I will join you in writing some NaruHina as well! Anyway, that's enough out of me, but keep up the good work!

It's nice to see some Naru/Hina fluff. Despite being a yaoi fan I do think these two would make an adorable couple

However there is a problem with your dialouge.

Whenever a new character talks you HAVE to start a new paragraph.

Obeserve: "Well, what now?" Naruto asked, sticking his hands
behind his head. "Whatever you want, Naruto-kun,"
Hinata said, blushing. "Well, I'm kind of thirsty from
all that ramen, wanna come to my place for some tea?"
(A/N Yes, this is a poorly disguised excuse to get
them both in bed. Bite me.) Hinata nodded, blushing
again.

This is how it should be:

"Well, what now?" Naruto asked, sticking his hands
behind his head.

"Whatever you want, Naruto-kun,"
Hinata said, blushing.

"Well, I'm kind of thirsty from
all that ramen, wanna come to my place for some tea?"
Hinata nodded, blushing
again.

It flows a lot better that way.