schedule
April 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
"Also. I need REAL reviews on these chapters. A long string of one-liners only boosts my numbers, not my style. I need to know what you liked, what you didn’t, if you have any issues, whatever. Hearing “cute! Update!” doesn’t help me any. The whole reason I update quickly is because I’ve been getting such a great response, but if this “one-liner” mania continues, I’ll just have to start taking longer to post my chapters. I want to improve. Please, help me."
Okay here's what I enjoyed about this chapter:
- The conflict that the characters are going through, including Naruto. I like how you use more than just one type of conflict, too often fanfic writers only stick with one type of conflict and I really like the variety that this fic offers.
- The drama in this fic is just right, it suits whats happening and sustains enough to keep the reader's intrest without turning the story into a soap opera.
- The character developement is top notch.
- Great grammar and spelling.
- How you make it so that the reader can actually relate to the fiction.
- The dream brought in parts of the anime/manga
What I'd like to see that isn't there:
- A few more characters tossed in here and there, not for drama but for a releif. Like Kiba's character, he's not involved in the "fight" over Naruto, but he's involved in the story and the story wouldnt work without him there.
- Sasuke portrayed more like Sasuke in the anime.
- More descriptions of the college itself, and the classes and the teachers.
What I didn't like about this chapter in general:
- Things happened a little too fast, slowing it down will eventually build more suspense
- Lack of description. Longer descriptions about stuff, like the clouds and how the day really felt, other than it being a "Good day".
- Lack of the grey area, it seems quite black and white right now. Naruto seems a little too saintly, and Neji seems a little too "evil" and it should be a little more grey, like Naruto having some really bad faults but his heart of gold balances that out, Neji is determined to be with Naruto after Naruto told him there was no way but say he does something very pure and that'd change the readers veiw into more of a grey area.
I hoped that this helped a little.
Okay here's what I enjoyed about this chapter:
- The conflict that the characters are going through, including Naruto. I like how you use more than just one type of conflict, too often fanfic writers only stick with one type of conflict and I really like the variety that this fic offers.
- The drama in this fic is just right, it suits whats happening and sustains enough to keep the reader's intrest without turning the story into a soap opera.
- The character developement is top notch.
- Great grammar and spelling.
- How you make it so that the reader can actually relate to the fiction.
- The dream brought in parts of the anime/manga
What I'd like to see that isn't there:
- A few more characters tossed in here and there, not for drama but for a releif. Like Kiba's character, he's not involved in the "fight" over Naruto, but he's involved in the story and the story wouldnt work without him there.
- Sasuke portrayed more like Sasuke in the anime.
- More descriptions of the college itself, and the classes and the teachers.
What I didn't like about this chapter in general:
- Things happened a little too fast, slowing it down will eventually build more suspense
- Lack of description. Longer descriptions about stuff, like the clouds and how the day really felt, other than it being a "Good day".
- Lack of the grey area, it seems quite black and white right now. Naruto seems a little too saintly, and Neji seems a little too "evil" and it should be a little more grey, like Naruto having some really bad faults but his heart of gold balances that out, Neji is determined to be with Naruto after Naruto told him there was no way but say he does something very pure and that'd change the readers veiw into more of a grey area.
I hoped that this helped a little.
schedule
April 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I like the story so far but i do have so things id like to say. I'm a major yaoi fan so if your precious writing time is spent on kiba/hinata i think it would be wasted. Secondly, i love naruto/sasuke pairings so im secretly hoping that is where this story leads to. Im not quite sure about the wager. Because i have a sneaky suspicion that the guy who wins will really "lose" NAruto cause they gambled on him. Naruto is way flirtacious but he should flirt more with sasuke...thats just me though...cause there was no sasuke/naruto anything in this last chapter....anywho. I hope my ramblings helped you, probably not, but i love the fic and cant wait for the next chapter.
schedule
April 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
constructive criticism, eh? not my best side, since I'm not that good a writer myself...
but I'll do my best.
Hmm... You have great grammar, and you seem to be making sure that your sentences are not repetitive, which is good, and something a lot of fic-writers forget. 50 sentences starting with the word "he" is a strain on a reader's patience.. ^^; So applause to you on that point!
Also, your descriptions of surroundings etc, and narrative is interesting, and you do not rely too much on conversation to drive the story. Yet another applause. Dialoge-"only" fics often get dull and confusing.
I also love all the hintage! completely normal actions like basket sounding so ecchi that you want to drool! I LOVE THAT! XDXDXD *dances* yes, I'm a perv. And seeing that I'm a perv, I would very much like a lemon soon~! but don't rush the lemon, please…
But anyway, great chapter in a great story. I can't think of anything to complain about. You update quickly, you have good grammar, a nice plot and a interesting way of telling the story, so keep up the good work, and please update soon!
but I'll do my best.
Hmm... You have great grammar, and you seem to be making sure that your sentences are not repetitive, which is good, and something a lot of fic-writers forget. 50 sentences starting with the word "he" is a strain on a reader's patience.. ^^; So applause to you on that point!
Also, your descriptions of surroundings etc, and narrative is interesting, and you do not rely too much on conversation to drive the story. Yet another applause. Dialoge-"only" fics often get dull and confusing.
I also love all the hintage! completely normal actions like basket sounding so ecchi that you want to drool! I LOVE THAT! XDXDXD *dances* yes, I'm a perv. And seeing that I'm a perv, I would very much like a lemon soon~! but don't rush the lemon, please…
But anyway, great chapter in a great story. I can't think of anything to complain about. You update quickly, you have good grammar, a nice plot and a interesting way of telling the story, so keep up the good work, and please update soon!
schedule
April 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
very cool chapter!! its amazing that you always update so quickly.
i know you said that you wanted helpful reviews to help you improve but i really cant think of anything to suggest - except keep up the good work.
i like the way that you always manage to encorperate everyones pov into each chapter, adding more twists and turns to the plot. like with neji. most
would have had him give up and be cut out the story by now, but the favour of a chance thing was a good idea. also the fact that naruto was lying to
sasuke about his course early, and keeping the reader in suspense as to why. it all makes me want to carry on reading which is a sign of a really
good story.
sorry i couldnt be more helpful, xx
i know you said that you wanted helpful reviews to help you improve but i really cant think of anything to suggest - except keep up the good work.
i like the way that you always manage to encorperate everyones pov into each chapter, adding more twists and turns to the plot. like with neji. most
would have had him give up and be cut out the story by now, but the favour of a chance thing was a good idea. also the fact that naruto was lying to
sasuke about his course early, and keeping the reader in suspense as to why. it all makes me want to carry on reading which is a sign of a really
good story.
sorry i couldnt be more helpful, xx
schedule
April 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
PLEASE HAVE SASUKE COURT NARUTO AND WIN also have more of those dreams they rock and have kiba have more witty coments and when will sakura and ino appear
schedule
April 22, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Thanks for updating!!! ^___^ *can't wait for the next chapter* As always, keep up the good work!!!
schedule
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
woot! more! XD this is a cool fic! i havent read one that was set outside of the usual universe in a long time! plus -snickers- i love any fic that has Gaara and Sasuke fighting over Naruto...throwing Neji in is cool to! XD
i wanna know when you update! ^_^
~Leaf~
i wanna know when you update! ^_^
~Leaf~
schedule
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG! Im not really into the sasunaru pairing but you pull it off nicely! I so can't wait for the next chapter *squeal* SO Awesome!!!!!!
schedule
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Hehehehehehehehe! I bet he wasn't asleep when Sasuke-kun actually kissed him.
schedule
April 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I like this very much! I think your story is best AU I've ever read. Though Naruto seems different in those last chapter. Though that is intention?
Please write lots more ^_^
Please write lots more ^_^