schedule
April 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Sasuke seems to be a lot calmer in this chapter 9, I like that. And once again; I love the way you write Kiba!
Uh, I could have done with out the singing part that's just me, I'm just picky I guess. Naruto keeps on pulling out those surprises but he still seems to take things over-board which remains true to his character, which I like. Neji always had annoyed me so the more people write about him the more I just try to ignore his exsistance (picky! PICKY!).
I was woundering, we know that Naruto pratically raised himself, but what about Sasuke? What was his family like? Will you delv into that after this part with Naruto's "family"?
Uh, I could have done with out the singing part that's just me, I'm just picky I guess. Naruto keeps on pulling out those surprises but he still seems to take things over-board which remains true to his character, which I like. Neji always had annoyed me so the more people write about him the more I just try to ignore his exsistance (picky! PICKY!).
I was woundering, we know that Naruto pratically raised himself, but what about Sasuke? What was his family like? Will you delv into that after this part with Naruto's "family"?
schedule
April 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Here it is: A non-one-liner review!!
First a couple of questions:
~Are you going to tie in Naruto's dream in the future, because that would make your fic sooooo much better. (I especially hate it when author's put a cool little tidbit and leave it hanging. It's like the difference between a REAL good movie and a mediocre one - the first one uses everything throughout the movie and the second leaves bits and pieces hanging here and there.)
~Are the kids Konohomaru and his gang?
~Do you plan on tieing Jirayah into the story? It would be cool if you did something different with him - the whole not quite but still a good teacher or a good role model.
~Who raised Naruto? It seems "Auntie" Tsuande dropped in and out, but to go for the AU that resembles our world he'd need to be taken care of by someone untill he was at least 17/18 and it would be way to convinent for Jirayah to have had raised him. Having Naruto grow up all on his own just isn't realistic.
~Are you going to comment on any relationship between Neji and Hinata? Possibly incorporate Kiba? (Another random thought...)
~I bet you've heard this one enough but here it is: What about the other characters?? Like Shino - you've got Kiba and (finally!! :P) Hinata. It would be cool to see him in relationship with the other two, since it's easy to set Hinata as Kiba's love interest but Shino?? With Kiba's current outgoing personality, how would a reserved Shino fit into the picture?
Since I'm writing too damn much for each character I'll seperate each:
~Lee? Personally, I'd think it would be cool to see him and Sakura get together because the two make an awfully funny couple... but hey that's your call.
~Temari? Konkoro? Since you do have Gaara in there, it would be cool to have these two some what mentioned - especially Konkuro who's barely mentioned anywhere but Temari would add to your girl count. Then again just slapping any character, male/female into the story is more degrading than not mentionning them.
~Ino? Not that I'd think she'd contribute much as far as being Sakura's friend and some one's potential love interest... unless you wanted to make her fight with Lee over Sakura... but perhaps that would alter her core personality too much (sorry, ranting)
~Choji? I could totally see him working in a cafeteria somewhere and munching here and there when his manager(s) wasn't looking...
~Shikamaru? My FAV character - so I'm biased when it comes to him but I'd love to see him pop in some where. Like being a Teacher's assistant of some sort!!
Ok I've gotten out of hand. I'm stopping here before I go on anymore wild tangents. ... (My friend, Ash,( HELLO^^ love your story and made Amy read it!!) just snickered at me for writing this review for so damn long.)
~Do you plan on having an already set gay or lesbian couple? (that was a total random question...)
I know by now you probably want me to stop asking all these @#$*&%!! questions or just quit while I'm ahead but it's 1:25 in the morning and I feel like I'm on a roll... so please excuse the rambling... ramble: I feel like I'm making up for the other one liner mania...
~The way chibi characters embody the inner thoughts of the characters is AWESOME!!
~I about shat in my pants when you had Lee and Naruto going out. Did I mention my middle name is Gullible? Major points for April Fools prank, Naruto would be proud.
Tada!! The review is done I've got a headache coming on and should be studing but this review is done. DONE. DONE. la di da done
First a couple of questions:
~Are you going to tie in Naruto's dream in the future, because that would make your fic sooooo much better. (I especially hate it when author's put a cool little tidbit and leave it hanging. It's like the difference between a REAL good movie and a mediocre one - the first one uses everything throughout the movie and the second leaves bits and pieces hanging here and there.)
~Are the kids Konohomaru and his gang?
~Do you plan on tieing Jirayah into the story? It would be cool if you did something different with him - the whole not quite but still a good teacher or a good role model.
~Who raised Naruto? It seems "Auntie" Tsuande dropped in and out, but to go for the AU that resembles our world he'd need to be taken care of by someone untill he was at least 17/18 and it would be way to convinent for Jirayah to have had raised him. Having Naruto grow up all on his own just isn't realistic.
~Are you going to comment on any relationship between Neji and Hinata? Possibly incorporate Kiba? (Another random thought...)
~I bet you've heard this one enough but here it is: What about the other characters?? Like Shino - you've got Kiba and (finally!! :P) Hinata. It would be cool to see him in relationship with the other two, since it's easy to set Hinata as Kiba's love interest but Shino?? With Kiba's current outgoing personality, how would a reserved Shino fit into the picture?
Since I'm writing too damn much for each character I'll seperate each:
~Lee? Personally, I'd think it would be cool to see him and Sakura get together because the two make an awfully funny couple... but hey that's your call.
~Temari? Konkoro? Since you do have Gaara in there, it would be cool to have these two some what mentioned - especially Konkuro who's barely mentioned anywhere but Temari would add to your girl count. Then again just slapping any character, male/female into the story is more degrading than not mentionning them.
~Ino? Not that I'd think she'd contribute much as far as being Sakura's friend and some one's potential love interest... unless you wanted to make her fight with Lee over Sakura... but perhaps that would alter her core personality too much (sorry, ranting)
~Choji? I could totally see him working in a cafeteria somewhere and munching here and there when his manager(s) wasn't looking...
~Shikamaru? My FAV character - so I'm biased when it comes to him but I'd love to see him pop in some where. Like being a Teacher's assistant of some sort!!
Ok I've gotten out of hand. I'm stopping here before I go on anymore wild tangents. ... (My friend, Ash,( HELLO^^ love your story and made Amy read it!!) just snickered at me for writing this review for so damn long.)
~Do you plan on having an already set gay or lesbian couple? (that was a total random question...)
I know by now you probably want me to stop asking all these @#$*&%!! questions or just quit while I'm ahead but it's 1:25 in the morning and I feel like I'm on a roll... so please excuse the rambling... ramble: I feel like I'm making up for the other one liner mania...
~The way chibi characters embody the inner thoughts of the characters is AWESOME!!
~I about shat in my pants when you had Lee and Naruto going out. Did I mention my middle name is Gullible? Major points for April Fools prank, Naruto would be proud.
Tada!! The review is done I've got a headache coming on and should be studing but this review is done. DONE. DONE. la di da done
schedule
April 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
ch 8
Jeez, you're so demanding... i'll try to say something constructive, though i'm letting you know right now that i appreciate an artist at work, and have been enjoying what you've produced so far.
Your Naruto is both naive and conniving, laidback and determined. I really like such a character of contradictions, and I think you've managed to pull it off by imbuing this Naruto with a sense of history that we are not privy to yet for the most part. He's a complex character with a past that has shaped his present. Hmm, kudos to you for managing to do this without resorting flagrantly to flashbacks and soliloquy. In general, I think your characterizations manage to respect the recognizable canon characters, while still believably changing them to reflect the different relationships and circumstances presented in this AU.
Speaking of mystery, don't think I haven't noticed all the allusions to Naruto spending his time elsewhere, doing some unknown thing, and lying particularly to Sasuke about it! I wanna know, damn it! *growls*
That moment when Sasuke and Neji look at each other and perfectly agree to keep Gaara away from Naruto? Priceless!
That moment when Gaara threatens to kill Sasuke and Neji in their sleep? Equally priceless. Also, I subconsciously substituted "in YOUR sleep" with "in MY sleep," and smirked madly at the implied reference to canon Gaara's homicidal inner demon coming out in his sleep. Doesn't Gaara seem like a particularly out-of-control homicidal bad-ass when he says he can kill in his sleep? :)
<_< >_> ^_^ Go Hinata! Go Kiba! Go Hinata! Go Kiba! Eh, they're both so uber-cute, I couldn't settle on cheering just one of them on.
Jeez, you're so demanding... i'll try to say something constructive, though i'm letting you know right now that i appreciate an artist at work, and have been enjoying what you've produced so far.
Your Naruto is both naive and conniving, laidback and determined. I really like such a character of contradictions, and I think you've managed to pull it off by imbuing this Naruto with a sense of history that we are not privy to yet for the most part. He's a complex character with a past that has shaped his present. Hmm, kudos to you for managing to do this without resorting flagrantly to flashbacks and soliloquy. In general, I think your characterizations manage to respect the recognizable canon characters, while still believably changing them to reflect the different relationships and circumstances presented in this AU.
Speaking of mystery, don't think I haven't noticed all the allusions to Naruto spending his time elsewhere, doing some unknown thing, and lying particularly to Sasuke about it! I wanna know, damn it! *growls*
That moment when Sasuke and Neji look at each other and perfectly agree to keep Gaara away from Naruto? Priceless!
That moment when Gaara threatens to kill Sasuke and Neji in their sleep? Equally priceless. Also, I subconsciously substituted "in YOUR sleep" with "in MY sleep," and smirked madly at the implied reference to canon Gaara's homicidal inner demon coming out in his sleep. Doesn't Gaara seem like a particularly out-of-control homicidal bad-ass when he says he can kill in his sleep? :)
<_< >_> ^_^ Go Hinata! Go Kiba! Go Hinata! Go Kiba! Eh, they're both so uber-cute, I couldn't settle on cheering just one of them on.
schedule
April 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Uh, there seems to be quite a bunch of long reviews already and I agree with most of them...But I thought to empahize some points I personally find important. :3
I enjoy your story a lot, especially because the fast updates and the humor (oh, the April Fool made me grin for hours). It stands on its own just fine and I quote one reviewer
saying that you shouldn't base your writing on the critics' words but use them as a support for it. Maybe you find something you haven't thought of before?
Pixiequeen had a very good review, I especially agree with her in the mention of Sasuke being OOC and the lack of description.
I'm aware of this being AU but reading fanfics where the characters don't think or act like they do in Kishimoto's story kind of takes away most of the fun, since people read them
because they love the original story and characters. Sasuke is a hard one to write but if you can fit him in the story and still make him feel his natural self people will worship you. :D
I'd also advice being careful with the character relations so they wouldn't come too black and white, like the mentioned saint/devil and my personal dislike, uke/seme. Some people like it when
there's a clear difference between Naruto and Sasuke, other one being the girly submissive and other the violent dominating one, both in physical and mental features. I, however, like
them most when they're presented as equals like in the manga.*shrug*
The description doesn't need to be anything big, good authors usually can say the important stuff with just a few lines, but a little more here would be nice. It gives depth for a story.
And, it would be interesting to see how does your writing style handle description. :3
Um, English isn't my native language (even though that's no excuse) so please forgive me the grammar/typing mistakes. ^^;
Hee, I'll be waiting for the next chapter. <3
I enjoy your story a lot, especially because the fast updates and the humor (oh, the April Fool made me grin for hours). It stands on its own just fine and I quote one reviewer
saying that you shouldn't base your writing on the critics' words but use them as a support for it. Maybe you find something you haven't thought of before?
Pixiequeen had a very good review, I especially agree with her in the mention of Sasuke being OOC and the lack of description.
I'm aware of this being AU but reading fanfics where the characters don't think or act like they do in Kishimoto's story kind of takes away most of the fun, since people read them
because they love the original story and characters. Sasuke is a hard one to write but if you can fit him in the story and still make him feel his natural self people will worship you. :D
I'd also advice being careful with the character relations so they wouldn't come too black and white, like the mentioned saint/devil and my personal dislike, uke/seme. Some people like it when
there's a clear difference between Naruto and Sasuke, other one being the girly submissive and other the violent dominating one, both in physical and mental features. I, however, like
them most when they're presented as equals like in the manga.*shrug*
The description doesn't need to be anything big, good authors usually can say the important stuff with just a few lines, but a little more here would be nice. It gives depth for a story.
And, it would be interesting to see how does your writing style handle description. :3
Um, English isn't my native language (even though that's no excuse) so please forgive me the grammar/typing mistakes. ^^;
Hee, I'll be waiting for the next chapter. <3
schedule
April 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I think you should explain more of Sasuke's affection toward Naruto...like how he feels about it and how he dealt with it when he first realized it...I think it would make the story stronger.
schedule
April 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Okay...let me think here for a moment on constructive critisism...
Well I do have to say I do really enjoy your style of writing it really does have me curious the way you suggest a theme and leave it unsettled to poke away at your brain. I have been thinking about it for the past several days since I just started this fiction.
Regardless. I am thinking...Perhaps that you introduce ideas a little to early and leave things hanging a little to long. Though maybe that is just my anxiousness hanging to me there. I really want to know what happens >.<
I really honestly have to say I don't really know where I am going with this myself. But I really am trying. It is hard because of how much I like your style. Not to mention I am bad at picking out grammar mistakes or the like. I know what you mean with wanted more then just a one liner because I have that problem too. I think you could also do a little more description concerning the background you seem so into the characters I can see what they do but I can never place to them a substantial background.
Well I am going to stop for now. So that I might have some more thoughts by the time your next chapter comes.
Really hope I helped,
White Liger
Well I do have to say I do really enjoy your style of writing it really does have me curious the way you suggest a theme and leave it unsettled to poke away at your brain. I have been thinking about it for the past several days since I just started this fiction.
Regardless. I am thinking...Perhaps that you introduce ideas a little to early and leave things hanging a little to long. Though maybe that is just my anxiousness hanging to me there. I really want to know what happens >.<
I really honestly have to say I don't really know where I am going with this myself. But I really am trying. It is hard because of how much I like your style. Not to mention I am bad at picking out grammar mistakes or the like. I know what you mean with wanted more then just a one liner because I have that problem too. I think you could also do a little more description concerning the background you seem so into the characters I can see what they do but I can never place to them a substantial background.
Well I am going to stop for now. So that I might have some more thoughts by the time your next chapter comes.
Really hope I helped,
White Liger
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April 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
First off, I'm enjoying this fic. Some of the characters seem a little OOC, particularly Sasuke and Neji, but I think it's O.K. because this an AU fic and it fits with the story and it's consistent. Naruto mysterious behaviour has got me curious. The pact between the the three boys is definately an interresting plot device. I'm looking forward to seeing how it plays out. I hope this is what you were looking for. I look forward to the next installment.
schedule
April 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
*blushes* sorry, sometimes when i review i really just want you to continue the story. I don't really have anything to complain about, you have beautiful writting. You have no mistakes at all (I have suuu much in my writting) I still loove how you place the personalities, they all do seem more mature. I also like how you have Kiba and Hinata as a potential couple, they do seem good for each other. At first i was a bit iffy about this story, mainly because it was a Yaoi. But i really like it, so please please please pleaaaaassse! Update soon k?
schedule
April 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I know how you feel about needing motivation in writing stories. But anyways, what will happen to Naruto and Sasuke in the weekend? I hope that you will continue.
schedule
April 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
*waves NaruSasu forever!!" sign high* Feweeeee! Such an intense and foreshadowing chapter!! Love it. I kind of think you've made sasuke a bit too standoffish and hesitant. the sasuke we know and love would have gone for it the other people be damned by now. I would love if Sasuke could strip for Naruto in a later chapter to Ginuwine's "Pony". *drools a bit at the image* All so I would like a bit gaasasu sasugaa in there please!! *puppy eyes* I feel that you are doing suvh a great job so far. Some spelling and grammar errors hear and ther, choppy speech at times but other than that the fic is the boom!