rate_review Reviews

I notice that the writers who want to improve are the best ones =)

I spent a while converting inches to centimetres [I just can't adapt to the other system ^^;] and whoa, Naruto's tall... Not as high as one of my classmates, but still ;D I think you know that already, but I love your Naruto. First he's cutely oblivious [though not really], then he's smart, and he's tall too. And practically a hero [Kibaaa, you klutz... you should hail him as your god! ^^]. And damn lucky... I find it totally cute that he considers Sasuke's opinion on things he does. The only thing I don't like about him is that he clearly doesn't need anymore groupies... *sigh*

The three rivals are so silly, placing a bet on Naruto's feelings... They'd be cute if they weren't scary ^^; I hope they won't end up hurting him [that dream really got me disturbed...]. But since they swore not to touch him [more like not to _kiss_ him only, though; does other touching count? XD] I guess he's at least physically safe. Can't wait for the weekend!

=*

First of all, I will go about praising your story because it is absolutely original in it's take of the "everyone wants Naruto" storyline. You don't succumb to convention and are willing to make multiple twists in your stories such as having Neiji have his own wager with Naruto before engaging him in the bet with Sasuke and Gaara. I too like the take on Naruto's characterization, I think it's accurate as to how he would be if he did grow up with a parental figure in his childhood. I love your story, I support it, and that's why as an avid fanfiction reader, rare reviewer and nonwriter (I'm stupidly lazy) -- and because of the last two adjectives you have every right to ignore the following -- I'm going to give this criticism right now so that, hopefully, you can employ it in the future.

You're advanced in your writing. You don't make many junior mistakes such as overly explaining what characters are wearing, or awkwardly detailing how characters move so that we know exactly what position they're in when the delightfully nasty parts occur. The only thing that has bothered me, thus far, in your story is the dream sequence. A cheap device that new or not very good fanfiction writers use are landmarks that state "Flashback here!" or "Dream sequence coming!" and then rope off the dream or flashback sequence in the same manner, just to be sure that the reader gets it. Trust your audience. We can tell the difference between fantasy sequences and real time events if you use smoother transitions such as "Naruto's eyes drooped close. Iruka's voice faded away and Naruto suddenly wondered why he was standing on a sandy beach. He was in English lit, wasn't he?"

I completely just made that last example up, so it's not based on your story or anyone else's, but you see what I mean? Even if you want to separate fantasy sequences from the rest of the story by having the fantasy in italics, you aren't throwing up billboards and road signs telling the reader these sequences are coming. Those landmarks break up the flow of your story. Also don't be afraid to disrupt the fantasy sequence and have the character wake up before the sequence completely wraps up. How many of us actually finish our dreams? :)

Holy crap, I've written a novel. Ah well, it had to be done. I had actually read your latest chapter the day you posted it and wanted to review it ever since. But like I said, I don't review much and I feel like a hypocrite for doing it now. Feel free to email me if you appreciate/ hate my advice. But you have a great story on your hands. Good luck and I'm frothing at the mouth for your every update.

Thought I'd let you know about plagiarism going on. But I see someone has already written to you :P
I also think that other people shouldn't write replies to other peoples reviews in their review. Write something about the fic, damnit.
I gave my opinions to you, and they are solely for you :) I'm sorry if my review came as a put-off towards your writing style, but that was my judgement. If anything, I want YOU to be the one to answer my questions about YOUR story, and not others.

:P Anyway, can't wait for you to update and clarify the next happenings. I really want to see what happens when Sasuke and Naruto go to Naruto's home. I'm guessing it's an orphanage? Since he talks about kids, and also, there's been mention of only his Aunt as his family. So that should be very interesting. Very Naruto-esque.

I'm really a fan of your writing :) Do update.

I've been enjoying this story immensely, and look forward to all of your updates. You're writing is good and I've noticed very few mistakes. I'm also very impressed with the way in which you've managed to give an original take on the characters of naruto while still keeping them believable and in character. Despite your frequent posts, you've consistently produced good work. Of the two stumbling blocks i've come across, one is trying to picture naruto being jacked, and able to lift 350+ pounds. I'm not saying that it can't be pulled off, but that maybe it just needs to have a little more support for it to really be believable. The second is that i find it also somewhat unbelievable that naruto just happens to have a bunch of male friends who suddenly have taken an interest him. I'm not sure what you have planned for the future of your story, but more background for all of the guys chasing naruto and the a bit about the development of their relationships would probably resolve that difficulty. Otherwise, I've been having a great time reading your story. Once again, you're writing is good and the way you've captured the characters is impressive. There is also a really good review of your piece on this site: http://www.collide.snowfaerie.net/

OK. You asked for some constructive criticism so I'll do my best.

I'm glad Kiba's getting a little more love. He's been a good friend of Naruto's throughout the story, and he stayed friends with him even when he found out that Naruto swung both ways.

They symbolism in Naruto's dream was very nice. I really liked how you chose to portray Neji: hawk eyes are perfect.

All in all, you're writing technique itself is very good. My only complaint is I want to see a few more characters. Where's Shikamaru and Jiraiya?

Update as soon as you can. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

I really like your writing style. You have a excellent feel for story flow and detail. I really like how you describe the thought processes. Your little "author comentary" type notes are not distracting (the lines like "cue the creepy music" [okay, not exact quote, but I'm working from memory here]), but actually add to the humor of the story. I like that relationships are developing slowly and logically. I look forward to seeing more :D

hey this story is very good, i feel that you don't need improving on your style. But thats just me. I like the way you write and I am hoping you will update soon. Good luck

(Ch. 8)
To explain one-word reviews; they happen when one has nothing constructive to say. At least in my case. Not that I rushed through it, not at all, or there isn't any thing better to say, but to please you, and as such please myself with a quick update, I will try to break down a few of the things about you fanfiction which I like.

First, I got no compliants at all. Which is in itself an odd occurence. I'm not the best when writing in English, but can't stand it when spelling and grammar mistakes occure too often. I have no such problem with your writing. Wonderful writing style - silly, fresh, pointed, brash, hard, cynical - and the storyline is easy to take in; nothing horrible nad overpowring, or a sad end and angst to kill the most dramatic fangirl. And that's a good thing, because it suits your writing style perfectly. Easy and flowing. Some angst involved around Naruto's secret, and some that always comes with our Sasuke[how could it not?], and that just adds appreciation to the easy flow of things.

My personal dislike it Naruto's "muscle". I like how you kept him in character with working out instead of sparing, together with keeping up Garaa's character in the same way. But wouldn't most characters have to work out to keep them in character? Though I *can* see some characters [such as Sasuke and Neji] studing to represent their personal angst.
But still, I'm not a muscle-fan, so the whole "Naruto-king-o'-the-gym" isn't a treat, but it's still part of the story, and a part that fits in well. And just to admit, I do read those parts and enjoy them non-the-less, and that says something about your writing style pulling me in. And your plot intresting me.
And that, in my eyes, really says a whole lot.

So, I jambled on, and had fun doing so. I hope my review meant something to you, because I meant everyword and would love to see quick steady weekly updates even when you are faced with one-word-reviews, because sometimes you feel like you're recycling sentiments when reviewing this long. *sighs*

This chapter was a hoot. Naruto's tumble with Neji was hilarious and so in-character to Naruto I'm suprised the anime doesn't include it. Neji was brilliant and conniving, since he's already fucked why not smirked when the rest are as fucked as you? Sasuke was a bit OOC with his whole blaring-rage, but not so much. Maybe an OOC warnning should be placed at the head of a chapter when such occures? [are you using a beta? Just a question]
Garaa was a bit spooky; but that's why we love him, and this wager is soooo gonna kick total arse. XD
Naruto's dream freaked me out. Is he going to analyze it? Will we witness his written analyzation? And his trip "home" with Sasuke... who's waiting for Naruto at home? Tsunade? Jiraya? Iruka?
I'm intrigued!!^^

Awaiting the next greedily,
Ja ne~

Wow, what an ominous dream O__O..NOOO, hope that doesn't happen! And darn Neji, i guess *he* was the one to get some "action" in this chapter..Can't wait until Sasuke's trip to Naruto's place, i'm reeeally looking forward to it! ='D But again, now you've got me so worried about the trouble those three suitors are going to bring!! ^^ Lol, funny with Hinata and Kiba though, lol, he should really know by now that Naruto notices more than he gives him credit for ^0^ Good luck writing the next chapter!! o.O Sorry that I hadn't reviewed the past 2 chappies I also read before this one, and although you probably don't notice when a specific reviewer doesn't post from time to time, figured i still owed you some major gushing over them!! ^__^;; they were also sooo fabulous!! Every time a new chapter comes out for this i get sooo hyper and excited!! (my friend was over once and I had to give her a comic to read while i glued myself to the computer to read it) That sneaky Sasuke, getting in a kiss! (not that i mind though, of course, since i'm rooting for him!) Sooo curious whether or not Naruto was really coherent!!!! Gah, again, you've got me so anxious now with that deal about kissing Naruto though...x_X ...guess i'll have to wait and see!

I love this story. *applauds you and hands you an ice cream sundae with caramel and almonds on it* You're the coolest. ^_^ Me likes Naruto alot. =) But Me likes Gaara better. ^_____^