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July 2, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Nice! I am impressed. This isn't my favorite pairing, but this story was often very beautiful. :)
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April 11, 2005 at 12:00 AM
very good
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April 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Very very well done. You managed to develop the characters and evolve them from their manga/anime childhood
selves into the young adults they'd grow into. Great way to use their jutsus as part of the story, to say nothing of
the nicely paced setup to the very tasteful erotic scene.
Hope you feel compelled to write more, it is a wonderful piece as a one shot, but it has viable potential as an
ongoing story (I mean if the first time was that good, they will probably get better with practice)
selves into the young adults they'd grow into. Great way to use their jutsus as part of the story, to say nothing of
the nicely paced setup to the very tasteful erotic scene.
Hope you feel compelled to write more, it is a wonderful piece as a one shot, but it has viable potential as an
ongoing story (I mean if the first time was that good, they will probably get better with practice)
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April 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Yes....that was very cool and...*cough* hot. I always like that pairing. Nicely done.
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April 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Okay, it was good. Not great, but a good read. Two things that made me twitch, though:
"She tasted like the spring breeze that was blowing over the treetops outside the tent" HOW THE HELL DO YOU TASTE A BREEZE?! unless it blows on you with your mouth open and leaves and pollen and bugs fly into your mouth. then you close it, crunch crunch, and mmmm......spring breeze tastes gooooood. But I doubt Shikamaru would stand in an open field with his mouth open, letting things fly into his mouth so he could taste the spring breeze.
Another thing "...her virgin membrane..." Just say hymen. Come on. I hate it when people try to get all descriptive with sex parts. Like "love tunnel" "honey jar" yadda yadda. Hymen, it's two syllables. It's a lot better on the tongue than virgin membrane, don't you think?
Btw, the way Shikamaru talked to Temari....I guess I'll let that go. He was way OOC in my point of view, but then again, we've never seen Shikamaru in love/lust before, so....
Anyway, keep up the writing.
"She tasted like the spring breeze that was blowing over the treetops outside the tent" HOW THE HELL DO YOU TASTE A BREEZE?! unless it blows on you with your mouth open and leaves and pollen and bugs fly into your mouth. then you close it, crunch crunch, and mmmm......spring breeze tastes gooooood. But I doubt Shikamaru would stand in an open field with his mouth open, letting things fly into his mouth so he could taste the spring breeze.
Another thing "...her virgin membrane..." Just say hymen. Come on. I hate it when people try to get all descriptive with sex parts. Like "love tunnel" "honey jar" yadda yadda. Hymen, it's two syllables. It's a lot better on the tongue than virgin membrane, don't you think?
Btw, the way Shikamaru talked to Temari....I guess I'll let that go. He was way OOC in my point of view, but then again, we've never seen Shikamaru in love/lust before, so....
Anyway, keep up the writing.
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April 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Kyaa I was dying to read a really hot Shikamaru/Temari, I love the pairing! This one is very skillfully written congrats! ^^
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April 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I enjoyed that. I did a good job. It's nice to see some new pairings about, as much as I love the more worn ones. Keep it up! :)
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April 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Sorry, meant to say YOU did a good job! :D My bad.
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April 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
That was a pretty interesting read, could you try and see if you could write a fanfic for one of my challenges? =P keep it up