schedule
April 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
"“For gods sake, just shut up. If this doesn’t quiet you, nothing will.” Sasuke reached over, yanking by my white jacket collar. Then he closed his eyes, bent down, claiming my lips with his. Hot, pulsating flesh sucked at my mouth, licked by his tongue demanding entry. It wriggled its way in, sliding up to the roof of my mouth, swirling around, tickling mercilessly. I pulled back moaning, but he tightened his grasp, tongue diving deeper towards the recesses of my throat.
Struggle all want you, Naruto-kun, he seemed to say. But it’s useless. You challenge me, I dominate, and you’re mine!"
This made me giggle, it reads more like cheesy tentacle rape than kissing. Really, "hot, pulsating flesh sucked at my mouth" isn't sexy, it makes me think of cheap-fx aliens. Which explains why Naruto is such a wilting B-movie heroine in this fic, I suppose. The characters bear almost no resemblence to the ones in the anime - remove the names and the telltale phrases (kunai, usuratonkachi, etc) and there's nothing to show it's them. Naruto is after Sasuke's recognition, yes, but he's not quite as simpering about it as you've made him. Also, he does not use the -kun suffix for Sasuke, ever. In fact, Naruto acts an awful lot like Sakura here - and if he did, Sasuke would get annoyed with him, same as he does with her. Maybe you should study them a bit more, and then come back to this fic.
Struggle all want you, Naruto-kun, he seemed to say. But it’s useless. You challenge me, I dominate, and you’re mine!"
This made me giggle, it reads more like cheesy tentacle rape than kissing. Really, "hot, pulsating flesh sucked at my mouth" isn't sexy, it makes me think of cheap-fx aliens. Which explains why Naruto is such a wilting B-movie heroine in this fic, I suppose. The characters bear almost no resemblence to the ones in the anime - remove the names and the telltale phrases (kunai, usuratonkachi, etc) and there's nothing to show it's them. Naruto is after Sasuke's recognition, yes, but he's not quite as simpering about it as you've made him. Also, he does not use the -kun suffix for Sasuke, ever. In fact, Naruto acts an awful lot like Sakura here - and if he did, Sasuke would get annoyed with him, same as he does with her. Maybe you should study them a bit more, and then come back to this fic.
schedule
April 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
second chap was cute. sasuke really is a softy at heart, isn't he??
cant wait for the next chapter. update soon!
cant wait for the next chapter. update soon!
schedule
April 22, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Great beginning. Can't wait to read more.
schedule
April 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
If it's "Wounds of the Heart", the title should be "Kokoro no Kizu". "Kizu no Kokoro" reads as "Wound's Heart", or "Heart of Wounds".
schedule
April 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
well, i really hope that there is more to come.
are you going to stick to the story line, or are you going to do your own thing?
either way, i hope that you write more. it was very cute.
update, update, update!!!
matane!
are you going to stick to the story line, or are you going to do your own thing?
either way, i hope that you write more. it was very cute.
update, update, update!!!
matane!
schedule
April 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Not bad. Try to develop the story and the character a bit more. But this is a nice beginning, you have some potential.
schedule
April 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Good start!!! Wanna read more of this story!!!
schedule
April 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Amazing, keep up the good work~!!