rate_review Reviews

Nice first chapter. Daisuke seems okay (just don't focus on him too much or make him a complete ass) and it isn't yaoi (is that even possible?!?!?!). I say that it should be NaruxHina just because it isn't done enough.

Hmm, pretty good. A few mistakes here and there, but good overall. Couldn't help but chuckle at his little crack regarding his hair color before he killed the last enemy. Pink would be an unfortunate hair color for a guy to have. One thing that does concern me, however. Your original character is already dangerously close to being a dreaded Mary Sue. For one, he's related to a main character (or any character for that matter), and two, he's an exceptionally powerful ninja. Please don't go into the tragic past bit, because that will only confirm it. I just hope you can avoid Sue status with this character. Your first chapter was pretty good, nice fight scene and all, just avoid a Mary Sue and all will be fine.

As far as a beta is concerned, well, you might want to try randomsomeone on ff.net. Though she works mostly with Gaara/Sakura pairings (she writes exceptional stories with those two) she probably will beta for you if you ask her nice.

hmmm... interesting~ write more!!

Quite interesting. With that attitude, Daisuke reminds me quite a bit of the Sasuke from the beginning, before Oroshimaru's curse seal. Although more mature, of course. I think there's a bit of Kakashi in him too, with his lack of tension in the face of danger. The fighting scene was very detailed, but I'm not sure about Daisuke's defense. While the shurikens cut through one enemy each, I'd think they'd slow down a bit, giving time to the enemies to reach and overwhelm Daisuke.

I think you should devise a couple flaws for Daisuke. Maybe make him the kind of guy who doesn't lift a finger to help in the house and leaves his mother/sister/girlfriend to slave after him. Or give him a phobia or an embarrassing hobby. Him having excellent abilities is perfectly okay, but coupled with the hint of a dark secret in him (or so it looks from your summary) and the fact that an OC is the main star of the fic, it puts him dangerously close to be called a Gary Stu. On the good side, you didn't make him well respected like Kakashi nor loved by everyone; and you didn't gave him a bloodline either. That's good.

I vote for NaruHina. It's been forever since a fic with that coupling appeared around here.

Not sure what to say yet; need to see more. On pairings; DEFINITELY NaruHina. Other than that, I'll need to see more.