schedule
May 6, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Very good! Fairly well written (minor spelling and grammatical errors) and it stars my favorite pairings. Loved it.
schedule
December 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG... O.o KINKEH!! XD
~Rai
~Rai
schedule
June 1, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Dat was great write more~!
schedule
May 30, 2005 at 12:00 AM
i like it
schedule
May 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Hmmm... Ok. This might be bad, but please dont take it that way. Im a firm believer in constructive crit, after all, without it, how would we ever learn?
The story has promise, if only for the sake of smut. Which is pretty darn important. *grins*
However. Your dialoge is pretty clumsy. By that I mean obvious. Though it may not seem like it, most anime is pretty subtle in its dialoge, it leaves you to try to understand what is going on insofar as a persons thoughts, feelings, etc. And to be brutally honest, you story lacks that. For example...
**“Oh… That would be interesting… I like that idea, let’s go dress in black and put on some hiding clothes.” he grinned.**
Could use a little work ne? Also, your discriptions are scant, at best, and when they are there, its almost like you wrote the story and had little "put discription here" spots. Perhaps you should space it out a bit? Subtle hints here and there that Kakashi looked like a ghost, whatnot.
So yeah. THis isnt a flame, I promise you. Im just trying to help you work out the kinks in your story, and I hope it gets better... Sorry if any of this came out wrong. Good luck!
Much luv,
Nata
The story has promise, if only for the sake of smut. Which is pretty darn important. *grins*
However. Your dialoge is pretty clumsy. By that I mean obvious. Though it may not seem like it, most anime is pretty subtle in its dialoge, it leaves you to try to understand what is going on insofar as a persons thoughts, feelings, etc. And to be brutally honest, you story lacks that. For example...
**“Oh… That would be interesting… I like that idea, let’s go dress in black and put on some hiding clothes.” he grinned.**
Could use a little work ne? Also, your discriptions are scant, at best, and when they are there, its almost like you wrote the story and had little "put discription here" spots. Perhaps you should space it out a bit? Subtle hints here and there that Kakashi looked like a ghost, whatnot.
So yeah. THis isnt a flame, I promise you. Im just trying to help you work out the kinks in your story, and I hope it gets better... Sorry if any of this came out wrong. Good luck!
Much luv,
Nata