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schedule
June 29, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Kyaaa! ^O^ you ur fic is soooo kawaii! ~Blood
schedule
June 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Hehe! Very cute -- I liked this a lot!! ^___^ And you know what the funniest thing is? Sasuke is the type of person that really -could- still be desirable when they're sick. ^^ I dunno' about you, but I wouldn't want anyone kissing me when I'm sick -- I look (and feel) terrible, lol! ^___~ keep up the good work!!!
schedule
June 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
lol hehe funny! i love this one line. " but ur a boy. thats y i'm on top. but i'm a boy! thats y ur on the bottom." lmao!!!!!! ahaha. poor naruto. hehe. is there gonna be a sequel? lol XP. write more!
schedule
June 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Very nice. Some commas were seriously needed though. Without them, it made some sentences seem like run-ons and I had to reread the line to understand. That was really the only major thing that bugged me. The rest was great. Great smut, fairly original storyline (yeah I've gotten comments on my stories about them being similar to others) and very enjoyable.
^_^
^_^
schedule
June 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Not a bad story, quite cute, but there were a couple of mistakes.
"naked from the waste down" The word is spelled "waist." Waste means garbage, among other things.
Your sentences tend to run on a bit too. I suggest inserting some commas at least.
"Deepening the kiss enough that he was pretty sure he was choking Naruto he quickly undid his pants careful not to let him feel anything outside of the kiss though it was becoming pretty distracting for him too."
Try "Deepening the kiss enough that he was pretty sure he was choking Naruto, he quickly undid his pants. He was careful not to let Naruto feel anything outside of the kiss, though it was becoming pretty distracting for him too." Something like that would make it easier to read.
"naked from the waste down" The word is spelled "waist." Waste means garbage, among other things.
Your sentences tend to run on a bit too. I suggest inserting some commas at least.
"Deepening the kiss enough that he was pretty sure he was choking Naruto he quickly undid his pants careful not to let him feel anything outside of the kiss though it was becoming pretty distracting for him too."
Try "Deepening the kiss enough that he was pretty sure he was choking Naruto, he quickly undid his pants. He was careful not to let Naruto feel anything outside of the kiss, though it was becoming pretty distracting for him too." Something like that would make it easier to read.
schedule
June 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
YAY!!! GO UKE NARUTO!XD (gomen uzumaki-kun, demo!... ^^)
luvd this story!!!
luvd this story!!!
schedule
June 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
“Cut it out! You’re a boy!”
“That’s why I am on top.”
“But I’m a boy!”
“That’s why your on bottom.”
“That doesn’t make sense!!”
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Thats funny. xD More SasuNaru!!=3 I lub your fics. =O Their soo....juicy!! xD
“That’s why I am on top.”
“But I’m a boy!”
“That’s why your on bottom.”
“That doesn’t make sense!!”
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Thats funny. xD More SasuNaru!!=3 I lub your fics. =O Their soo....juicy!! xD
schedule
June 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
lol, that was great. And hilarious, keep up the good work
schedule
June 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Kawaii.
schedule
June 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
This fic was so amusing to read!
I LOVED the ending, where Naruto had that feeling of 'impedening doom' XD
Oh and the story name is adorable.
Good work on this one, it was too cute ^^
I LOVED the ending, where Naruto had that feeling of 'impedening doom' XD
Oh and the story name is adorable.
Good work on this one, it was too cute ^^