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May 28, 2006 at 12:00 AM
oh god yes hurry as fast as u can,, oh man i can't focus lol me go nighty now
schedule
May 28, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hello... I am sooo glad you continued writing the story. I could not wait to see how Naruto continued to deal with the situation. ( I go between laughing at the situation and feeling sad for him... poor Naruto he is really confused) I am also glad to see that sasuke made another attempt to get Naruto tocome around. I do feel bad for Naruto *grin* and I can't wait to read what hapens next. Keep up the great job!
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May 27, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Great chapter! Please write more and update soon. Your story rocks. ^_^
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May 26, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Waii, FINALLY AFF.net is up again. Knowing my luck it's probably been up for ages, but I've been too busy/annoyed with it to check.
SO - sorry the review for chapter 10 is... well, a chapter late, because when I read it AFF wan't letting me review -.-
ANYWAY:
"The older man gave a soft chuckle and shook his head, looking back down at his meal. “You can’t help the way you are, Naruto. The way you feel. And if acting on those feelings won’t hurt anyone, then there’s nothing wrong with doing so.” Besides… while Naruto and Sasuke were complete opposites in nearly every way, Iruka got the feeling that they… needed each other. Both had difficult pasts, and though Iruka wouldn’t have thought they would end up together, it made a strange sort of sense."
That's the only thing that bugged me in this chapter - why do we suddenly get a flash of insight into Iruka's reasoning when the rest of this part is Naruto's PoV? Maybe what you could have done instead is have his reasoning remain a mystery, then add in another short paragraph after this one where Iruka's staring after the closed door where Naruto just left and thinking over his reasoning, as it were.
And now for chapter 11:
Again, only one thing that bugged me, and again to do with Sasuke's car. I've no idea why - I never usually pay attention to autos - but there's something about the way they go around with their cars that bugs me.
"He grabbed his books and opened the door, Sakura jumping backwards quickly to avoid getting hit with it. “And second, I’m not the person you should be telling all of this.” He slammed the door, gave her a curt but accepting nod, then walked away from her without another word, shoving his keys into his pocket."
He didn't lock his car. >.>
I know, I know, I'm nit-picking, but the story's so good I wanted to offer some sort of criticism to make it that bit better >.<
Uhm, in this case, maybe have something like this: He slammed the door, gave her a curt but accepting nod, and with the resolute 'tshunk' of the car doors locking, walked away from her without another word, shoving his keys into his pocket as he turned."
Now for other comments...
"He let loose a stream of curses which ended in a strangled whimper, and put his head in his hands, jaw clenching with the effort of withholding tears intent on forming."
That is P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!! I absolutely LOVE the imagery!! All throughout the story, you can just SEE it, almost FEEL it. Waii!!!
Oh, one more -slight- detail in an otherwise amazing scene:
"The kiss only stopped when they both realized that it was going too far, would be more than a kiss in a few moments, and out in the open courtyard of their high school. Naruto forcefully pulled himself away from the other boy, glaring off to the side at nothing. Sasuke watched him for a few moments, eyes cold, before getting to his feet and walking away.
Naruto kept his eyes on the ground, catching his breath and willing away the furious anger still hovering at the edge of his consciousness. Anger at Sasuke, anger at himself, at everything."
First Naruto's looking off to the side, then suddenly it's at the ground. Maybe have him close his eyes tightly when Sasuke walks away (to try and block out the image of him walking away?) while he tries to catch hold of his breath and his thoughts (because they'd be racing and emotions bettling between anger and hurt?), then open them looking at the ground (determined not to be hurt but because of this having to fight down anger)...?
I really really REALLY like this fic, and I LOVE your style! I can't wait for an update!
Keep up the great work, and I'll look forward to reading the next chapter!
-Shiin
SO - sorry the review for chapter 10 is... well, a chapter late, because when I read it AFF wan't letting me review -.-
ANYWAY:
"The older man gave a soft chuckle and shook his head, looking back down at his meal. “You can’t help the way you are, Naruto. The way you feel. And if acting on those feelings won’t hurt anyone, then there’s nothing wrong with doing so.” Besides… while Naruto and Sasuke were complete opposites in nearly every way, Iruka got the feeling that they… needed each other. Both had difficult pasts, and though Iruka wouldn’t have thought they would end up together, it made a strange sort of sense."
That's the only thing that bugged me in this chapter - why do we suddenly get a flash of insight into Iruka's reasoning when the rest of this part is Naruto's PoV? Maybe what you could have done instead is have his reasoning remain a mystery, then add in another short paragraph after this one where Iruka's staring after the closed door where Naruto just left and thinking over his reasoning, as it were.
And now for chapter 11:
Again, only one thing that bugged me, and again to do with Sasuke's car. I've no idea why - I never usually pay attention to autos - but there's something about the way they go around with their cars that bugs me.
"He grabbed his books and opened the door, Sakura jumping backwards quickly to avoid getting hit with it. “And second, I’m not the person you should be telling all of this.” He slammed the door, gave her a curt but accepting nod, then walked away from her without another word, shoving his keys into his pocket."
He didn't lock his car. >.>
I know, I know, I'm nit-picking, but the story's so good I wanted to offer some sort of criticism to make it that bit better >.<
Uhm, in this case, maybe have something like this: He slammed the door, gave her a curt but accepting nod, and with the resolute 'tshunk' of the car doors locking, walked away from her without another word, shoving his keys into his pocket as he turned."
Now for other comments...
"He let loose a stream of curses which ended in a strangled whimper, and put his head in his hands, jaw clenching with the effort of withholding tears intent on forming."
That is P-E-R-F-E-C-T!!!! I absolutely LOVE the imagery!! All throughout the story, you can just SEE it, almost FEEL it. Waii!!!
Oh, one more -slight- detail in an otherwise amazing scene:
"The kiss only stopped when they both realized that it was going too far, would be more than a kiss in a few moments, and out in the open courtyard of their high school. Naruto forcefully pulled himself away from the other boy, glaring off to the side at nothing. Sasuke watched him for a few moments, eyes cold, before getting to his feet and walking away.
Naruto kept his eyes on the ground, catching his breath and willing away the furious anger still hovering at the edge of his consciousness. Anger at Sasuke, anger at himself, at everything."
First Naruto's looking off to the side, then suddenly it's at the ground. Maybe have him close his eyes tightly when Sasuke walks away (to try and block out the image of him walking away?) while he tries to catch hold of his breath and his thoughts (because they'd be racing and emotions bettling between anger and hurt?), then open them looking at the ground (determined not to be hurt but because of this having to fight down anger)...?
I really really REALLY like this fic, and I LOVE your style! I can't wait for an update!
Keep up the great work, and I'll look forward to reading the next chapter!
-Shiin
schedule
May 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
ok, I am so not a fan of ItaSasu. NARUSASU ALL THE WAY! But I looooove your story>< Its so good! :hearts and lots of love: But yeah, update soon pweeeeaaaase! luffles!
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May 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
eee! You're back!! I missed this story so much. The part where Sasuke is telling Naruto he's stupid for acting like he doesn't miss him if my fav. I would never expect Sasuke to say something like that. But in this fic it works. Thanks for the update!
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May 23, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Firstly, this is the first review I've ever given on here and pretty much its only because you were still gonna update even if you didn't get reviews (well, that and this is a fantastic story). Strange, I know. Secondly, this is by far one of the best Naruto/Sasuke fics I've read. I'm a big fan of AU's because I love seeing how authors interrpret the charcters. You do not only a wonderful job of showing their outer personalities, but the way you show their inner selves is both heart-warming and heart-breaking. The way you balance out Sakura's bad and good points is an intriguing dynamic. Not quite bashing but entirely realistic. I'm very happy that you brought up the issue of Sasuke doing this to Naruto almost if he wants to make Naruto more selfish. I just hope that as you have Naruto's character develop that you deal a bit with Sasuke's obvious selfishness. That should be all. Oh, and if you still need a BETA, feel free to email me.
Bravo to you on the fantastic fanfic!
Bravo to you on the fantastic fanfic!
schedule
May 23, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Awww Naruto is SO in love with Sasuke *heart eyes* nya...I really hope this isn't coming to an end!! It almost sounds like it...
Sakura's scene was played out really well...Sasuke forgiving her in his own way was cool. She seems to be one of the only fangirls that can come to her senses.
*sigh* MORE!! lol I'd hate to complain, but I REALLY wish your chaps were longer hehe I guess I'm really used to reading my beta's fics..and her chaps range from 15-31 pages!! hehe i'm just being impatient..I wanna know what happens next!!! *whines* ^__~
Well I'm glad you're happy with your new girlfriend and that you and your ex are cool with each other. I'll definitely check out her stuff soon too btw!
Now, on to YIM: go to yahoo.com and on the top of the page it'll say 'messenger' so click on that, and then basically you just follow the directions. It might give you a few choices on which messenger you want..I have "messenger with voice" it rocks ^__^ so yeah, you click on that and then it'll just tell ya what to do and within about 2 mins you'll have it! and then you sign in usin your email minus the @yahoo.com and then you can add me!! my screenname is inuyashas_hoseki69 And that's it! pretty simple! So, until you get yim, and/or until you update next...
signing off ^__~
Houseki
Sakura's scene was played out really well...Sasuke forgiving her in his own way was cool. She seems to be one of the only fangirls that can come to her senses.
*sigh* MORE!! lol I'd hate to complain, but I REALLY wish your chaps were longer hehe I guess I'm really used to reading my beta's fics..and her chaps range from 15-31 pages!! hehe i'm just being impatient..I wanna know what happens next!!! *whines* ^__~
Well I'm glad you're happy with your new girlfriend and that you and your ex are cool with each other. I'll definitely check out her stuff soon too btw!
Now, on to YIM: go to yahoo.com and on the top of the page it'll say 'messenger' so click on that, and then basically you just follow the directions. It might give you a few choices on which messenger you want..I have "messenger with voice" it rocks ^__^ so yeah, you click on that and then it'll just tell ya what to do and within about 2 mins you'll have it! and then you sign in usin your email minus the @yahoo.com and then you can add me!! my screenname is inuyashas_hoseki69 And that's it! pretty simple! So, until you get yim, and/or until you update next...
signing off ^__~
Houseki
schedule
May 23, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Poor Naru-chan!!! He needs to just accept it and Sasuke should do something sweet to help him... maybe leave roses on his desk... admitting how deeply his feelings run??..
Please update soon!
Please update soon!
schedule
May 23, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Love this story, I think I had read up to chapter 10 on fanfiction site and I'm glad to find a new chapter here. It was very good. :)