rate_review Reviews

not bad a bit ruff but still not bad not even any of my tales are as smooth as this one

The first chaoter is pretty mind capturing.
A few miss spelled words here and there and its a bit OOC but I like it so far.

while shika and hokage were dancing you said he was a head taller than her and her breasts were against his abs. But when he had a meeting with her in the office you wrote that she hugged him and his face was planted right inbetween her breasts_did he suddenly grow or did the hokage drop the 30 year old appearance of her boobs while dancing and it was her 60 year old sagging boobs that were against his abdomen? what will shika think about her when he sees the 60 year old hokage-or will she not let him see. how deluded is she to think that she was only 11 years older than shika because she 'appeared' to be a 30 year old and shika is 19. the 'reality' is that she's 60 and he's 19_that's 41 years older--yuck. interesting chapter-thought it was disappointing that you only briefly mentioned kiba/shino. you had time to have naru give sasu a blow job in a booth but you couldn't mention kiba and shino dancing or even being recognized by any others except for naru and sasu. i mentioned earlier that your ability to write 'emotion' was good_you also do erotic pretty well too. no one knowing where the hokage was is kind of like no one knowing where the president was. the most important individual in the village should always have someone be able to reach her in case of emergencies or war or something.

kiba was disturbed by the scent of cum-he's a cocksucker himself-makes no sense-unless he was trying to fight off a growing arousal by the scent of it-that would make more sense_especially since his shino wasn't here with him. their lives are in danger yet they don't go to a more secure location and they're having sex in the bathroom-that's kind of illogical. and some of them are drinking alcohol-are you trying to make it easy for them to get caught off guard and killed? the attack at the mist village: they knew their teachers were in the mountain; so why didn't gaara just bury the whole mist village under the sand-erase the threat now and forever more. why did you bother with saving the houses? the people could be hiding in the houses and get away that way. you wrote that neji and hinata couldn't see through rock at long distances; but you didn't have them look through it once they were right up next to the mountain. liked the way you described gaara's power. liked shika's commanding presence. but the plot holes i mention in your story aren't any worse than the ones in the real naruto anime_so don't take it badly. can't make everything that easy otherwise there would be no point i suppose.

I was kind of surprised that you didn't have a fight with enemies in konoha trying to get to naru/sasu/baby. with 2 of the 3 legendary sannin there to protect and fight-would've been cool. why did jarayia show up out of nowhere. he wasn't summoned he didn't know there was trouble, etc.
the best part of this chapter was what you did with gaara and hinata. hinata's strategy to fight itachi and her and gaara working in unison_i think it was the smartest and most realistic. throughout the story so far-the interactions with gaara and hinata have been the most realistic. good work

I've been enjoying most of your story. You do well with writing and conveying the emotions of humor and passion and love. This is such an old story; I wasn't going to bother to comment-thinking that you have moved well past this-if you even remember it or even stil get notices of reviews. But this chapter was freaky-so I was compelled to. The idea of the Hokage and Shikamaru together? Eww, Yuck, Gross, etc...She's old enough to be his grandmother. And the scene between Shika, Saku, and Naru was so awkward. The only items in this chapter that seemed necessary were that shika report to the hokage so that he learns about Naru and Sasu (but then again_it's not her business telling others about Naru and Sasu's personal relationship-regardless of her reasons_if Naru and Sasu want others to know_they should get to decide who they tell and who they don't), that we learned shino and kiba are together_and that info was small enough to be put into another chapter. I just can't wrap my head around why you would want to put the hokage and shika together_so, so gross. The gaara and hinata stuff is really cute. the kank and ten-ten stuff was cute and humorous. Like I said_most of the story is good. It's been very entertaining and enjoyable to read. Thanks for sharing the story.

i remembered one more think about the shika/tsunade chapter. you had tsunade tell shika that kyuubi was using naruto as a vessel to carry HER kit. that makes it sound like the demon was having her own baby_when it's really sasuke and naruto's baby. what if shika had taken that information wrong and told others that naruto was pregnant with the spawn of kyuubi? you also had kiba tell choji classified information about the possibility of an oncoming war-i thought ninja were supposed to be able to keep secrets-even away from their friends.

Great story!! I really loved this!!

Tack så jättemycket för den här fanficen, den var verkligen jättebra, och jag börjar gråta till slutet :')

// Thank you so much for this fanfic, it was really good! I cried in the end :')

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