rate_review Reviews

not really lime but still doing quite well with it. Keep it up

Very nicely done, you got it into a very good spot for a lemon to begin, but you have to be careful, it sits good a story alone, meaning you have to put a good transaction into it to make it flow into the lemon, just continue what you are doing more or less should be fine, though causing an event to occur can give you quicker results which just as much fluency. Also, don't forget about your other characters, you should have Chouji start to feel jealous, and so on. You don't have to change them, just make sure they react accordingly if you plan to include them later on. Also, description is your friend when it comes to lemons, and just like actual sex, don't rush it of course, but you seem fine, just making sure you realize that you are doing fine. Basically keep to what you are doing, if you do feel the need to make an ending sooner, a special event will get you there, of course keep thinking ahead. You don't want to cause an action that will force you into a corner, that'll creat flow issues, which makes events tricky to work into stories and have them help, but you should be fine in this area. I do plan on writing a fic soon actually, most likely a Hinata/Naruto one, always liked Hinata the best of one, so I hope you will review it as well, though I do need to creatre a user name first, haha.

dude when will the lemon be. But anyway the story is getting along great and i like how it's moving. I so rarely see shika/ino fanfic and i love this pair together with naru/hina. update soon.

hmmm. I think this story has potential, but you do need to work on it more I think. Structure is good, nice storyline, nice backdrop, but some parts are a bit off. You need work on spelling and grammar. Though this story is quite cute, it just needs some work on development. I'm not too sure on the conversion of yen to dollars, but in regards to 'okaasan-chan' - I believe the proper term is 'okaasan' or 'okaachan'... the two suffixes used together, make it sound weird, at least to me it does... meh. *sheepish grin*

Until the next update,

~Kir

You bitch, you completely ripped this story off from fanfiction.net. Did you really think no one would notice?

man made me fuzzy wazzy inside. when's the next update. and it be F***ing soon.

40 yen = a little less than 40 cents just so you know.(I believe that's what it was, not sure, it had something of a sort in a manga somewhere.)


not too bad, better than most I have read, decent fluency, but you could still work on it a little. I guessing you are planning on developing Shikamaru into the character you want him to be in the next chapter, like you did with Ino. I suggest you do, it wouldn't seem right if it just happened. Maybe devote the next chapter to Shikamaru's point of view, and all that. Then intertwine them together later. Just a suggestion, do things you own way, just make sure to develope your characters into why it happens, not just throw them in, and let them get down to it, even real smut has better story than most on here. Just keep it as you are, and you should be ok.

OMG, this is adorable! I love this couple and sadly you don't see it around, in fanfics and fanart. and you kept them in character, even the dads. *loves the dads* kudos to you, and I can't wait for the next chap!

awesom update as usual. little mistakes here and there but i'm sure we can all pretty much guess what you're trying to say. and again, "where's the fucking lemon???" hahahahah!!! i got all excited for nothing. *hiss*

anyways. keep up your awesom work. i look forward to your next update... with lemon or not =) you rock!

great start. i loved it so far. i started cackling when i read your bottom comments "where the fuck is the lemon?" HAHAHAH!!! that what i was thinking too. but i have no doubt your next chapter would be worth the wait. please udpate again soon.