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schedule
October 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Thanks for the reviews everyone!
@ The Gandhara: you don't live in a colder region, do you? LOL, I do... and hunting cabins are not uncommon, and they are unoccupied most of the time. They would have dry food and stuff too. I guess I shouldn't have assumed everyone would know what I meant though.
As far as adding more of an action scene at the beginning, I thought of doing that, but I just didn't see myself enhancing the overall story in doing so. I thought of the idea that it would be difficult for someone to inflict that kind of injury on Naruto with Hinata right there. A suprise attack doesn't make much sense. But.... the battle was not the point of the story. It seemed like writing a decent battle scene would be more effort than it's worth.
@ allyluv17: =) I believe my next fanfics will be an InuYasha one... Kagome x InuYasha and/or Sango x Miroku (my favorite character)
@ Takerial: I'm really liking this idea... I just spent over an hour editing this chapter to make it better and when I hit "edit chapter" it took me to the log in screen! Grrrrrrrr But I learned my lesson... type things in a word program and THEN paste it into the box. After doing that I read your review and have decided to leave this fanfic as it is and start a different one that does spread it out more. I think I'll have Shino and Kiba show up right after they kiss and then detail their return journey (several nights of camping) in the following chapters. I don't intend to try to add a real plot... I'm just starting this whole fanfic thing after all, adn coming up with a plotline worth it's bandwidth is not an easy feat!
@ The Gandhara: you don't live in a colder region, do you? LOL, I do... and hunting cabins are not uncommon, and they are unoccupied most of the time. They would have dry food and stuff too. I guess I shouldn't have assumed everyone would know what I meant though.
As far as adding more of an action scene at the beginning, I thought of doing that, but I just didn't see myself enhancing the overall story in doing so. I thought of the idea that it would be difficult for someone to inflict that kind of injury on Naruto with Hinata right there. A suprise attack doesn't make much sense. But.... the battle was not the point of the story. It seemed like writing a decent battle scene would be more effort than it's worth.
@ allyluv17: =) I believe my next fanfics will be an InuYasha one... Kagome x InuYasha and/or Sango x Miroku (my favorite character)
@ Takerial: I'm really liking this idea... I just spent over an hour editing this chapter to make it better and when I hit "edit chapter" it took me to the log in screen! Grrrrrrrr But I learned my lesson... type things in a word program and THEN paste it into the box. After doing that I read your review and have decided to leave this fanfic as it is and start a different one that does spread it out more. I think I'll have Shino and Kiba show up right after they kiss and then detail their return journey (several nights of camping) in the following chapters. I don't intend to try to add a real plot... I'm just starting this whole fanfic thing after all, adn coming up with a plotline worth it's bandwidth is not an easy feat!
schedule
October 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Rather good. It was well written and nicely paced. It gave off a very tender feeling.
If you allow me to be a bit nitpicky, I'll tell you a few details you could improve. First, even if it looks unnecessary to the story, you should write with more detail about how Naruto and Hinata fell to the stream, how Naruto recovered, how the red chakra protected him from the cold (I'm assuming that's what happened), and how he pulled Hinata and himself out of the river. That cut in the story looks ugly.
Also, a cabin looks too convenient. And it being empty is even more convenient. It'd look more natural if it had been a cave as Naruto intended, and the blankets and the ramen (again, how convenient to find food in an unused cabin) could come from their water-proof backpacks. Or, at least, the cabin could be bigger and inhabited. And the inhabitants could give them a room to rest and recover. That way, there'd be at least a reason for the cabin to be there.
And the matter of the kyuubi. Even with Hinata's accepting nature, I think it'd need to sink a bit longer before resuming their activities. They should talk about it for a bit. Hinata could ask him how it was to grow with that inside him, and Naruto could reassure her that it's not such a pain anymore and that it helps him a lot (healing and stuff). That would calm Hinata and put her in a better mindset to continue with their lovemaking.
If you allow me to be a bit nitpicky, I'll tell you a few details you could improve. First, even if it looks unnecessary to the story, you should write with more detail about how Naruto and Hinata fell to the stream, how Naruto recovered, how the red chakra protected him from the cold (I'm assuming that's what happened), and how he pulled Hinata and himself out of the river. That cut in the story looks ugly.
Also, a cabin looks too convenient. And it being empty is even more convenient. It'd look more natural if it had been a cave as Naruto intended, and the blankets and the ramen (again, how convenient to find food in an unused cabin) could come from their water-proof backpacks. Or, at least, the cabin could be bigger and inhabited. And the inhabitants could give them a room to rest and recover. That way, there'd be at least a reason for the cabin to be there.
And the matter of the kyuubi. Even with Hinata's accepting nature, I think it'd need to sink a bit longer before resuming their activities. They should talk about it for a bit. Hinata could ask him how it was to grow with that inside him, and Naruto could reassure her that it's not such a pain anymore and that it helps him a lot (healing and stuff). That would calm Hinata and put her in a better mindset to continue with their lovemaking.
schedule
October 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM
hmmm, I really liked that lemon. very well done and I especially liked the emphasis on the nibbling and neck/throat contact. VERY intimate..
schedule
October 11, 2005 at 12:00 AM
very cool. and you definitely kept them in character. awesom work for a starter! i look forward to more of your work =)
schedule
October 11, 2005 at 12:00 AM
A few more chapters might go well, depends on how you can continue the story. It was a lovely piece, though...