schedule
October 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
It's all right. Not bad. The bolding and use of the lyrics was really distracting...almost as if you wrote the fic but really wanted the lyrics in so you added them afterwards. They didn't really add anything to the story.
Also, it felt like the bit with Kakashi was just kind of thrown in randomly. Like, oh just for kicks, let's add Kaka/saku in there.
Dry blood was stuck to her beaten skin where some of the cuts were dry and started to heal. Other cuts were still oozing blood.
This seems almost too much for a simple decription of blood. Too many words that aren't really telling you very much. You might be better combining both sentences into something simple...like...oh shit, i dunno.... or something. *waves hand* yeah, that sucked. :) But I mean--just making the sentences more straightforward or rearraging them may keep them from being too wordy.
Or, stuff like this... Shock etched over his features. He looked her over, anger soon taking over the look of shock. Instead of using the word 'shock' twice, you might exchange it. Or, again rearrange it. *tries to think of something awesome and fails* But yay.
Yeah, so. GOod show. Keep it up.
Also, it felt like the bit with Kakashi was just kind of thrown in randomly. Like, oh just for kicks, let's add Kaka/saku in there.
Dry blood was stuck to her beaten skin where some of the cuts were dry and started to heal. Other cuts were still oozing blood.
This seems almost too much for a simple decription of blood. Too many words that aren't really telling you very much. You might be better combining both sentences into something simple...like...oh shit, i dunno....
Or, stuff like this... Shock etched over his features. He looked her over, anger soon taking over the look of shock. Instead of using the word 'shock' twice, you might exchange it. Or, again rearrange it. *tries to think of something awesome and fails* But yay.
Yeah, so. GOod show. Keep it up.
schedule
October 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Could do with the lyrics, which you should remove before this story gets banned. Not bad, although I would like to see why Sasuke suddenly returned for her in this manner.
schedule
October 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ok. It didn't doo al of it. Figures. And now I can't remember everything I wrote.
Like..The blood, some dry, some oozing, clung to her like lace...yay, that sucked. But you know--maybe combining sentences or making it for direct so it's not too wordy.
Or where you have have Shock etched his face. and then something about the shock turning into anger. You might consider, again, rearraging this so you're not using the word 'shock' twice.
yay--but good show. keep it up.
Like..The blood, some dry, some oozing, clung to her like lace...yay, that sucked. But you know--maybe combining sentences or making it for direct so it's not too wordy.
Or where you have have Shock etched his face. and then something about the shock turning into anger. You might consider, again, rearraging this so you're not using the word 'shock' twice.
yay--but good show. keep it up.
schedule
October 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Exelent..it would be great to finish, or make another chapter... You left it open for one, and this is great.
schedule
October 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
gods don't you just hate those moods i wrote that not tittled one when i was in a bad mood anyway intresting not much else to say except ya it's good
schedule
October 17, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I find only one thing wrong with this story: If the female isn't properly lubricated (via natural or otherwise) It hurts the male as well. In short, Sasuke won't be urinating or having sex properly for a while after that.