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November 16, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Woa. This story has potential but things are definitely moving along too fast. You're barely touching on anything, let alone go in depth. Like in the first chapter, won't the class be surprised at Sasuke's show of affection towards Naruto? Won't Naruto be surprised/embarrassed to see Sasuke so concerned about him? I think the reason for Sasuke's 'liking' of Naruto should be better justified as well.
As for the second chapter, this is where everything starts to rush, a LOT. You need to slow down, elaborate and explain, especially about feelings and reactions. The gang of bullies should be shocked that someone as prestigious as Uchiha Sasuke is protecting Naruto. You need to elaborate a bit more on the village's hatred towards demons like Naruto as well. From what I can gather, it seems that there're some physical differences between witches and demons. Maybe you can clarify on that? Then all the interactions between Naruto and Sasuke, there's just simply not enough content. In addition, this story has to have a stronger sense of direction, a stronger sense of plot. Right now, readers don't really know where you're heading and there doesn't even seem to be a central plot.
So my suggestion would be that you should rewrite this chapter, if not this story, because this is really a very good story and there's so much potential. And it would be best if you can get a beta to help you correct your mistakes, as well as plot develoments. So I wish you all the best with future chapters and I look forward to hearing from this story soon. ^^
As for the second chapter, this is where everything starts to rush, a LOT. You need to slow down, elaborate and explain, especially about feelings and reactions. The gang of bullies should be shocked that someone as prestigious as Uchiha Sasuke is protecting Naruto. You need to elaborate a bit more on the village's hatred towards demons like Naruto as well. From what I can gather, it seems that there're some physical differences between witches and demons. Maybe you can clarify on that? Then all the interactions between Naruto and Sasuke, there's just simply not enough content. In addition, this story has to have a stronger sense of direction, a stronger sense of plot. Right now, readers don't really know where you're heading and there doesn't even seem to be a central plot.
So my suggestion would be that you should rewrite this chapter, if not this story, because this is really a very good story and there's so much potential. And it would be best if you can get a beta to help you correct your mistakes, as well as plot develoments. So I wish you all the best with future chapters and I look forward to hearing from this story soon. ^^
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November 15, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Nice Ficcie! I give it two thumbs up lol. d(^-^)b Update soon! Is Gaara gonna make an appearance?
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November 15, 2005 at 12:00 AM
still cute ^^ i'll admit it's quick but it's all fluffy and so cuuuute ^^ <3 keep it coming!
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October 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I hope to see another chapter soon! Im really liking it!
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October 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
don't care what others think, so far i think it very well written for a begining...so don't leave me hanging what next?
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October 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
It sounds good so far. ^^
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October 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
it sound really nice. It's also strange picturing Naruto being quiet and sasuke speaking XD
Really nice, I want more ^^
Really nice, I want more ^^
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October 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Oooh! Interesting. I do like how you have this story so far! My only question I have is that, I thought witches were females, and warlocks or wizards were the males? I can't wait to see what's coming up next!
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October 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
A different touch and a very good one at that please keep typing