schedule
November 16, 2005 at 12:00 AM
D: Aww, come on. This summary sounds promising. Put the new one up soon, I want to make a proper review instead of begging you to put up the actual story. xD
-Nevada-tan-
-Nevada-tan-
schedule
November 14, 2005 at 12:00 AM
aww I liked it......
-Chelsey- AKA: HisBeautiful
-Chelsey- AKA: HisBeautiful
schedule
November 13, 2005 at 12:00 AM
im not flaming i want to give you an honest review
i LIKED the first chapter
but you got lazy with the second and third
One: when people are speaking please use quotation
marks...there kinda there for a reason for one it breaks it up and
makes it easier to read instead of just having to people
having a conversation in the same paragraph.
so instead of:
Sakura giggled. I robbed him. Tsunade's eyes got even wider, then she started giggling along with Sakura. You...you robbed Kakashi? You broke into a jounin's home and took his most sacred possession? Sakura nodded and Tsunade burst out laughing. The tears were flowing freely and every so often a snort came from the Hokage. Sakura was shocked, but couldn't help laughing harder. The two women were in hysterics when the door opened and the face of a young ninja poked through. Um...Hokage? Tsunade and Sakura looked up, and started laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. The young genin decided that it could wait, and backed out into the hallway and shut the door. What was that all about? He thought to himself as he raked his silver hair back.
this is kinda confusing it it breaks your train of thought instead of just enjoying the story
instead you should try:
Sakura giggled. "I robbed him."
Tsunade's eyes got even wider, then she started giggling along with Sakura. "You...you robbed Kakashi? You broke into a jounin's home and took his most sacred possession?"
Sakura nodded and Tsunade burst out laughing. The tears were flowing freely and every so often a snort came from the Hokage. Sakura was shocked, but couldn't help laughing harder. The two women were in hysterics when the door opened and the face of a young ninja poked through. Um...Hokage? Tsunade and Sakura looked up, and started laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. The young genin decided that it could wait, and backed out into the hallway and shut the door. What was that all about? He thought to himself as he raked his silver hair back.
this also helps to break up your sentences or help you revise sentence structure tee hee and it also makes your posts longer...eehh not that they ARE longer they just seem to be
Two: try using more detail and descriptive words when you are writing...which can seem like a pain i know but it really helps people get a time and setting in their mind
describe things like arcs of light bouncing and doing whatever arcs of light do in your mind...or the way someone hair sways or you know what ever you feel like
of course dont let descriptions distract from the main plot but there is no reason you cant use them to "flesh " out your story
this has potential to be a great story maybe you ought to consider getting a beta writer? you never know it wont hurt and they are alot less painless then some people seem to think
i LIKED the first chapter
but you got lazy with the second and third
One: when people are speaking please use quotation
marks...there kinda there for a reason for one it breaks it up and
makes it easier to read instead of just having to people
having a conversation in the same paragraph.
so instead of:
Sakura giggled. I robbed him. Tsunade's eyes got even wider, then she started giggling along with Sakura. You...you robbed Kakashi? You broke into a jounin's home and took his most sacred possession? Sakura nodded and Tsunade burst out laughing. The tears were flowing freely and every so often a snort came from the Hokage. Sakura was shocked, but couldn't help laughing harder. The two women were in hysterics when the door opened and the face of a young ninja poked through. Um...Hokage? Tsunade and Sakura looked up, and started laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. The young genin decided that it could wait, and backed out into the hallway and shut the door. What was that all about? He thought to himself as he raked his silver hair back.
this is kinda confusing it it breaks your train of thought instead of just enjoying the story
instead you should try:
Sakura giggled. "I robbed him."
Tsunade's eyes got even wider, then she started giggling along with Sakura. "You...you robbed Kakashi? You broke into a jounin's home and took his most sacred possession?"
Sakura nodded and Tsunade burst out laughing. The tears were flowing freely and every so often a snort came from the Hokage. Sakura was shocked, but couldn't help laughing harder. The two women were in hysterics when the door opened and the face of a young ninja poked through. Um...Hokage? Tsunade and Sakura looked up, and started laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. The young genin decided that it could wait, and backed out into the hallway and shut the door. What was that all about? He thought to himself as he raked his silver hair back.
this also helps to break up your sentences or help you revise sentence structure tee hee and it also makes your posts longer...eehh not that they ARE longer they just seem to be
Two: try using more detail and descriptive words when you are writing...which can seem like a pain i know but it really helps people get a time and setting in their mind
describe things like arcs of light bouncing and doing whatever arcs of light do in your mind...or the way someone hair sways or you know what ever you feel like
of course dont let descriptions distract from the main plot but there is no reason you cant use them to "flesh " out your story
this has potential to be a great story maybe you ought to consider getting a beta writer? you never know it wont hurt and they are alot less painless then some people seem to think
schedule
November 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Maybe you should do a bit of a spell check. :/ And some grammar...It takes me out of the story when I see one of those two. Oh, and maybe you should consider putting "" for talking.
schedule
November 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM
heh heh that was funny. especially Kakashi's comment about being a missing nin. cant wait for more.
schedule
November 12, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I still really like it
I just wish it were longer. Update soon!
-Chelsey- AKA: HisBeautiful
I just wish it were longer. Update soon!
-Chelsey- AKA: HisBeautiful
schedule
October 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
oh my god! you are too cruel! just to let out a teaser! i declare you must write more!
schedule
October 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
If you dont continue this story i will personally castrate you....i dont care if you arnt a boy or whatever
i want more and i WILL have more!
i want more and i WILL have more!
schedule
October 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Wow... That's actaully a great start; promises to be a good story to come.
FYI; Kakashi takes after his dad; you'd have to hide his hair with, mayhaps, a baseball cap? Or something maybe more piratical in nature? Arr!
*grins* However you decide to continue this story, one is definitely looking forward to it.
*howls*
FYI; Kakashi takes after his dad; you'd have to hide his hair with, mayhaps, a baseball cap? Or something maybe more piratical in nature? Arr!
*grins* However you decide to continue this story, one is definitely looking forward to it.
*howls*
schedule
October 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Wow this sounds promising! Please update soon!