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February 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I didn't notice many--if any--grammar mistakes (not that I'm particularly good at it myself; if there were any, the writing is good enough that only the most anal would notice). I'm kind of jealous that someone whose primary language is _not_ English can write in it so well. I think I'd love this fic even if it weren't SasuNaru. I'm so impressed. Long, satisfying chapter that leaves many things unanswered--it practically asks for readers to beg for more. :D
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February 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
oh my ............
you are beyond a friggin good writer you are among the best!!!
i looooooooooooooooooooove this and i surely hop you keep it up because it is absolutely AMAZING
and grovel pitifully in my corner in praise of ye!!!
you are beyond a friggin good writer you are among the best!!!
i looooooooooooooooooooove this and i surely hop you keep it up because it is absolutely AMAZING
and grovel pitifully in my corner in praise of ye!!!
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February 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
i have a couple things to say,
1) I hate sasusaku stories yet i don't hate her, but in this fic i am very mad at her. She is a bitch for loving sasuke so much. I hate her now. Teh true couple is narusasu all the way! That stupid pinkie needs to stay outta teh way!
2) Your grammer is just fine.
3) Post more of this story XD few people these days have over 3000 words per chapter ina fic but you did it! you have the record of words ina fic that i have read. *pats you on the back* congrats ^_^ you get the satisfaction of knowing you have a huge fan out there! me ^_^
4) Have I said to post more of this story yet? ohh... i have but still GREAT but don't make Naruto-kun kill Sasuke-kun okay? The couple won't work if one is dead yah know.
5) ummm... im just seeing how many things i can say about a fic... umm how about that Orchimaru-bitch should be dead. KILL HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!
6) I gotta go... ja ne
1) I hate sasusaku stories yet i don't hate her, but in this fic i am very mad at her. She is a bitch for loving sasuke so much. I hate her now. Teh true couple is narusasu all the way! That stupid pinkie needs to stay outta teh way!
2) Your grammer is just fine.
3) Post more of this story XD few people these days have over 3000 words per chapter ina fic but you did it! you have the record of words ina fic that i have read. *pats you on the back* congrats ^_^ you get the satisfaction of knowing you have a huge fan out there! me ^_^
4) Have I said to post more of this story yet? ohh... i have but still GREAT but don't make Naruto-kun kill Sasuke-kun okay? The couple won't work if one is dead yah know.
5) ummm... im just seeing how many things i can say about a fic... umm how about that Orchimaru-bitch should be dead. KILL HIM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!
6) I gotta go... ja ne
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February 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hmmm. I enjoyed this muchly. Have to admit I was mildly concerned over Sakura's role for a while there. Had to pause to re-read the summary to make sure it truly was intended to be SasuNaru. And am thusly appeased now. Hope to read more soon.
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February 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Wow...just...wow. I swear, that was good enough to be a one-shot. I cannot WAIT to read more of this story, it is definitely gonna be a good one! You write so well, it's as if I'm there, feeling what they're feeling. The part where snake-bastard did that evil thing apologizing to Naruto...I almost cried! So perfect, and the fight scenes were exciting, not over the top, and really emotional - which of course made it even better. I really can't say enough good things about this story, there was absolutely nothing bad about it, I didn't even notice any grammatical errors...of course, I suck at grammar, but still - there was nothing that stood out. The dialogue in this story was perfect, everyone was in character, and you actually managed to make me feel sorry for Sakura! Which is saying a lot, since I usually don't like her that much.
Anyways, like I said, this story is off to a AMAZING start! It's very promising, and I look forward to reading more of it in the future. Later! ^_^
Anyways, like I said, this story is off to a AMAZING start! It's very promising, and I look forward to reading more of it in the future. Later! ^_^
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February 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
That was excellent! I'm really enjoying this so far.
Your portrayal of war scarring Naruto was strangely endearing, first of all. Though I doubt the true horrors of war can ever be captured in any medium, ever, you did a great job of showing how it affected him. His pride in Konoha would make it's injuries hurt him, as well, I think. It's very macabre, but that's war. I think some more backstory on why Sakura was in a shelter of sorts with those strange seals is in order, but seeing as we've only been treated to one chapter so far, requesting plot like that is ridiculous.
I also like that you have Naruto having a spine, that he's been able to grow bitter. I usually find the idea of a bitter Naruto cheesy, and it turns me away, but from from what I've read, you've captured the idea very well. You've just done a good job with it, it's hard to go into specifics. However, if I was to complain of characterization...Sakura. I don't hate her, I just don't think Sasuke was as important to her as she outwardly projected, it was more the idea of him she liked...but that's really open for interpretation, and fan fiction is all about different interpretations, yeah?
As for this being a relationship story...I'm quite interested to find out how this will blossom into a relationship. Naruto's feelings for Sasuke are rather convulted...intriguing, and I can't wait to see how you go about it. Really, I'm interested all together to see how this story progresses. I don't think Sasuke needs to be seme, and Naruto sure as hell doesn't need to be uke, as a side not. It's a situational thing.
One thing that bothered me plot-wise is how Naruto fought...in recent chapters, it's shown that he relies on the kyuubi a lot, and that he's a true jinchuriiki, in the sense that Gaara, who fights solely with his sand-controlling prowess is a true jinchuriiki. But, you only see him fight when he's furious, so...yeah. E-mail me about beta'ing if you want, I'd be interested to do it, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with your English. It's very coherent, and well-written.
*adds to favourites*
Your portrayal of war scarring Naruto was strangely endearing, first of all. Though I doubt the true horrors of war can ever be captured in any medium, ever, you did a great job of showing how it affected him. His pride in Konoha would make it's injuries hurt him, as well, I think. It's very macabre, but that's war. I think some more backstory on why Sakura was in a shelter of sorts with those strange seals is in order, but seeing as we've only been treated to one chapter so far, requesting plot like that is ridiculous.
I also like that you have Naruto having a spine, that he's been able to grow bitter. I usually find the idea of a bitter Naruto cheesy, and it turns me away, but from from what I've read, you've captured the idea very well. You've just done a good job with it, it's hard to go into specifics. However, if I was to complain of characterization...Sakura. I don't hate her, I just don't think Sasuke was as important to her as she outwardly projected, it was more the idea of him she liked...but that's really open for interpretation, and fan fiction is all about different interpretations, yeah?
As for this being a relationship story...I'm quite interested to find out how this will blossom into a relationship. Naruto's feelings for Sasuke are rather convulted...intriguing, and I can't wait to see how you go about it. Really, I'm interested all together to see how this story progresses. I don't think Sasuke needs to be seme, and Naruto sure as hell doesn't need to be uke, as a side not. It's a situational thing.
One thing that bothered me plot-wise is how Naruto fought...in recent chapters, it's shown that he relies on the kyuubi a lot, and that he's a true jinchuriiki, in the sense that Gaara, who fights solely with his sand-controlling prowess is a true jinchuriiki. But, you only see him fight when he's furious, so...yeah. E-mail me about beta'ing if you want, I'd be interested to do it, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with your English. It's very coherent, and well-written.
*adds to favourites*
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February 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Oh my god that was an awesome first long great chapter. I wish I could be more coherent but i so can't. I loved how you wrote naruto in this.I cried. I did. Sasu/Naru has that power on me. And I'm sad that Sakura died. That story has lots of potential and it was well written. It's so dark it's amazing really.
I can't wait to see more and how everything will develop.
I can't wait to see more and how everything will develop.
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February 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Brilliant!
Nothing was wrong with it, and I think I understood what happened with Sakura and Sasuke there. You created an excellent mood, and portrayed the villages really well, especially how crappy everything was going for everything.
Nothing was wrong with it, and I think I understood what happened with Sakura and Sasuke there. You created an excellent mood, and portrayed the villages really well, especially how crappy everything was going for everything.
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February 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hey great story, I love it!^_^
I noticed you were looking for a beta, I'd be happy to help If your just looking for someone to help with grammer and spelling.
I noticed you were looking for a beta, I'd be happy to help If your just looking for someone to help with grammer and spelling.
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February 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Really good. :D
More pleaaaase! <3
-Ryu
More pleaaaase! <3
-Ryu