schedule
November 10, 2008 at 12:00 AM
The second version is DEFINANTLY better, but you seem to still have problems with your spelling and grammar. I suggest getting a beta-reader to help you; and if you already have one, get 1-2 more (more eyes catch more mistakes!). i saw quite a few spelling errors in there, and some misplaced commas and capitalization... not to mention the wording. Still, the rewritten version is much much MUCH better than the first. Kudos to you!
schedule
September 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
awesone keep up the good work u rock
schedule
October 21, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Loved the fic ^v^ it seemed a bit short but it was still great, i never really thought of Akamaru as a girl but now well, i can't think of him as a boy anymore!!! Thankyou this story was Very enjoyable and i can't wait to read you rother work! Two thumbs way up... and something else as well XD ok sorry that might be a little weird but still loved the fic! Please, please make more :: begs like a little puppy:: ;D
schedule
October 20, 2006 at 12:00 AM
haahhahaha that was rly weird!!
schedule
September 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Oh my god. Oh My God. OH MY EFFING GOD.
WHAT THE F-U-C-K ARE THESE REVIEWERS SMOKING? DID THEY PERHAPS HAVE CRACK FOR BREAKFAST?
This was not good. You should not have "fans", readers, or in fact people who are opposed to the idea of throwing rotton carrots at you in general. The only reviewer that was honest, or else NOT on effing crack, was Jei, and even they were being far too nice by leaving out the fact that you SHOULD NOT BE PUBLISHING C-R-A-P.
SERIOUSLY.
If you aren't, say, seven years old, TOPS, you are a fucking idiot. Have you even HAD sex before? I honestly doubt it. NOW, even though this is way past qualifying as a flame, I will try to salvage it by giving you a lot of...constructive critisism. But before I do, please, please, PLEASE, just tell me that you aren't like ten years old. I mean, i KNOW you aren't eighteen or whatever, but...I'm sure there are some illiterate sixteen year olds in the world. Let us just hope, for the sake of your soul, and perhaps mine.
Now, now, now. What needs improving, you ask? Welllll. Its hard to put this exactly nicely, but...everything. I know I swear a lot, but sincerely, its only when I'm deeply agrravated.
1. Proper grammar.
a)Nobody on the fucking planet NEEDS to write in notepad. NOBODY. There is no reason to. If you do in fact write in msword, please, PAY ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE RED SQUIGGLIES FOR GOD'S SAKE. THey are they for more than looking pretty. Nobody on the planet has an excuse for spelling mistakes in msword.
b)Also, get a beta reader. I know, it takes mroe time and all, but if you have a beta reader, YOUR readers will thank you. They might even compliment you with reason. Oooh, score for you. Get a beta reader.
c)I dont care if it is "your style" or in "play form" or, really, ANY other excuses you would like to make, but you really have got to use proper grammar. There are sooooooo many things wrong with this story, I cant even lsit them all. Find a tutorial about writing, study it a little, try to apply the rules to your story.
Don't want to? Don't care enough to make the effort? DON'T POST STORIES. Seriously, man, these arent helping anyone, except maybe a few losers who can get off from reading "Once inside he lost control of himself at the shear control of her mucles and the 2-4 degree hotter body of Akamaru's."
2. This Is Smut, Not The Discovery Channel
We know what a dog is. We know they have holed that people can stick things in if they so desire. What we do not need to know is the fact that female dogs have great control of their vaginal muscles, or that dogs body temperatures are two to four degrees hotter than ours. Now, if you want to incorperate those facts into your story as accuracy, you can casually mention the fact that she's "searing hot" inside or that...well, I don't write dog porn, I'm not really fit to give examples like these. Fact is, mentioning things in passing is fine, but spouting them off like little fun facts as you did is jsut not okay for a story, especially one that is focused mainly on sex. It really...ruins the mood, to put it bluntly. Especially when its back to back with the actual entering of organs and whatnot.
3. You have a story that's...around two pages long, or something? And about...three sentences are dedicated to the actual act. The rest is drivel. Well, the sex is drivel too, if you're counting, but still. Make it longer. People will thank you. Really. There are...different things you can do while having sex, EVEN with a dog, I imagine. And you would probably know this if you'd had sex before, but hey, don't let me stop you from writing teh pr0n.
4. Be descriptive. And dont use the same words over and over and over. Use a thesaurus if you really need to. Mostly, read a good peice of smut(look at someone's fic recs, don't trust your own judgement) and see how many times they use the word "penis". Probably once or twice. They vary it up a little with things like "member," "manhood," "cock," and if they're feeling especially crude, "dick".
If you find you're running out of things to say, and you've still only got about a paragraph of sex happening, make some rules for yourself. First, say you can do...three positions or acts minimum. I'd say five personally, but if you don't know that many, dont sweat it. And also bulk things up a bit by describing jsut how wet and juicy and hard and soft everything is. Don't describe the bedsheets.
I know some of that was mean, but I have to go now, and I'm sorry if I've broken your spirit or whatever. Keep practicing, get a beta, and good luck!
WHAT THE F-U-C-K ARE THESE REVIEWERS SMOKING? DID THEY PERHAPS HAVE CRACK FOR BREAKFAST?
This was not good. You should not have "fans", readers, or in fact people who are opposed to the idea of throwing rotton carrots at you in general. The only reviewer that was honest, or else NOT on effing crack, was Jei, and even they were being far too nice by leaving out the fact that you SHOULD NOT BE PUBLISHING C-R-A-P.
SERIOUSLY.
If you aren't, say, seven years old, TOPS, you are a fucking idiot. Have you even HAD sex before? I honestly doubt it. NOW, even though this is way past qualifying as a flame, I will try to salvage it by giving you a lot of...constructive critisism. But before I do, please, please, PLEASE, just tell me that you aren't like ten years old. I mean, i KNOW you aren't eighteen or whatever, but...I'm sure there are some illiterate sixteen year olds in the world. Let us just hope, for the sake of your soul, and perhaps mine.
Now, now, now. What needs improving, you ask? Welllll. Its hard to put this exactly nicely, but...everything. I know I swear a lot, but sincerely, its only when I'm deeply agrravated.
1. Proper grammar.
a)Nobody on the fucking planet NEEDS to write in notepad. NOBODY. There is no reason to. If you do in fact write in msword, please, PAY ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE RED SQUIGGLIES FOR GOD'S SAKE. THey are they for more than looking pretty. Nobody on the planet has an excuse for spelling mistakes in msword.
b)Also, get a beta reader. I know, it takes mroe time and all, but if you have a beta reader, YOUR readers will thank you. They might even compliment you with reason. Oooh, score for you. Get a beta reader.
c)I dont care if it is "your style" or in "play form" or, really, ANY other excuses you would like to make, but you really have got to use proper grammar. There are sooooooo many things wrong with this story, I cant even lsit them all. Find a tutorial about writing, study it a little, try to apply the rules to your story.
Don't want to? Don't care enough to make the effort? DON'T POST STORIES. Seriously, man, these arent helping anyone, except maybe a few losers who can get off from reading "Once inside he lost control of himself at the shear control of her mucles and the 2-4 degree hotter body of Akamaru's."
2. This Is Smut, Not The Discovery Channel
We know what a dog is. We know they have holed that people can stick things in if they so desire. What we do not need to know is the fact that female dogs have great control of their vaginal muscles, or that dogs body temperatures are two to four degrees hotter than ours. Now, if you want to incorperate those facts into your story as accuracy, you can casually mention the fact that she's "searing hot" inside or that...well, I don't write dog porn, I'm not really fit to give examples like these. Fact is, mentioning things in passing is fine, but spouting them off like little fun facts as you did is jsut not okay for a story, especially one that is focused mainly on sex. It really...ruins the mood, to put it bluntly. Especially when its back to back with the actual entering of organs and whatnot.
3. You have a story that's...around two pages long, or something? And about...three sentences are dedicated to the actual act. The rest is drivel. Well, the sex is drivel too, if you're counting, but still. Make it longer. People will thank you. Really. There are...different things you can do while having sex, EVEN with a dog, I imagine. And you would probably know this if you'd had sex before, but hey, don't let me stop you from writing teh pr0n.
4. Be descriptive. And dont use the same words over and over and over. Use a thesaurus if you really need to. Mostly, read a good peice of smut(look at someone's fic recs, don't trust your own judgement) and see how many times they use the word "penis". Probably once or twice. They vary it up a little with things like "member," "manhood," "cock," and if they're feeling especially crude, "dick".
If you find you're running out of things to say, and you've still only got about a paragraph of sex happening, make some rules for yourself. First, say you can do...three positions or acts minimum. I'd say five personally, but if you don't know that many, dont sweat it. And also bulk things up a bit by describing jsut how wet and juicy and hard and soft everything is. Don't describe the bedsheets.
I know some of that was mean, but I have to go now, and I'm sorry if I've broken your spirit or whatever. Keep practicing, get a beta, and good luck!
schedule
September 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Awsome.....I have been waiting for this paring. Please continue this story or the one you said you would do.
schedule
September 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This pairing is pretty unusual....but cool none the less. Please make that new story.
schedule
September 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
When is the next one going to be ready?
schedule
July 30, 2006 at 12:00 AM
ummm wtf...i guess...2 stars...st max
schedule
July 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
it sukd alot worz dan mi spelen