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schedule
June 18, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This story is getting interesting. Yaoi-san, I can't wait until you post the next chapter. Oh and Inuzuka Tsume is Kiba-kun's okaa-san, Hana-san is his onee-chan.
schedule
June 10, 2006 at 12:00 AM
wow. this sounds promising. i look foward to your next update.
schedule
June 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Well, I just have to say that this is beautifully written. I like the First Person POV of Kyuubi, especially. I've read fics that run parallel to your story line but nothing that had this much of a unique twist to it. I really, really loved how you portrayed the Kyuubi. I commend you on it. The desperation, the pity and the guilt that she felt for putting Naruto through so much wrung my heart. Your grammar was wonderful, mechanics, everything was great which is refreshing when dealing with a genre (fan fiction in general) that is swamped with half-assed story writing and underaged fangirls/boys.
But... (And this made me sad...)
There were a few things that sort of killed it for me and all of it was in the KakaIru part. Although I understand that what you were doing was portraying an already established relationship, my mind instantly rejected the idea of Kakashi calling Iruka 'honey, Love, Darling..." what have you.
But I'm digressing from the most important part of my critique. The cutesy antics of Kakashi and Iruka interrupted the flow of the story. I gather that this story isn't a KakaIru story. I understand that Kakashi and Iruka are an integral part of Naruto's life, as seen in the anime and manga... but what isn't important is their relationship with each other. The play fighting and the teasing clashed with the dark, deep moods that you had set with the Kyuubi part of the story.
Another thing that I found completely unnecessary, and again this was in the KakaIru part of your story, the Japanese dialogue. Despite this being a fandom based around a Japanese Animation--- don't feel compelled to write in Japanese. This is a mood killer and destroys the dramatic feel that you have woven so beautifully in the first part of the story. I feel compelled to stress this point... your fic is written in English. Keep it that way. Although it's cute and might even further emphasize a bond between Kakashi and Iruka, it isn't necessary. Honorifics are probably the only excusable Japanese that should be used in fan fics.
I hope that you don't take anything I have written to offense. I hope that you will take this as advice as I had meant it to be when I wrote it. I hope that you will take this into consideration when writing further fics. If you want to get a hold of me to either flame me or what have you, I've left my email. Unlike people who leave negative feedback, I'm not a coward to face up to anyone who has objections about my critisms.
But... (And this made me sad...)
There were a few things that sort of killed it for me and all of it was in the KakaIru part. Although I understand that what you were doing was portraying an already established relationship, my mind instantly rejected the idea of Kakashi calling Iruka 'honey, Love, Darling..." what have you.
But I'm digressing from the most important part of my critique. The cutesy antics of Kakashi and Iruka interrupted the flow of the story. I gather that this story isn't a KakaIru story. I understand that Kakashi and Iruka are an integral part of Naruto's life, as seen in the anime and manga... but what isn't important is their relationship with each other. The play fighting and the teasing clashed with the dark, deep moods that you had set with the Kyuubi part of the story.
Another thing that I found completely unnecessary, and again this was in the KakaIru part of your story, the Japanese dialogue. Despite this being a fandom based around a Japanese Animation--- don't feel compelled to write in Japanese. This is a mood killer and destroys the dramatic feel that you have woven so beautifully in the first part of the story. I feel compelled to stress this point... your fic is written in English. Keep it that way. Although it's cute and might even further emphasize a bond between Kakashi and Iruka, it isn't necessary. Honorifics are probably the only excusable Japanese that should be used in fan fics.
I hope that you don't take anything I have written to offense. I hope that you will take this as advice as I had meant it to be when I wrote it. I hope that you will take this into consideration when writing further fics. If you want to get a hold of me to either flame me or what have you, I've left my email. Unlike people who leave negative feedback, I'm not a coward to face up to anyone who has objections about my critisms.
schedule
June 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Man, I'm in deep on this one! I hope you update soon! I really like it! ^_^ EM
schedule
June 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Please oh please continue. I so want to know what happens next. Maa, so will there be a harem for Naruto-kun? I sure hope so.
schedule
June 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
O.O Wow this is odd. I love it! Please update soon! *hopes this is a SasuNaru fic*