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July 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I can be a Beta if you need one....just please, keep up this story. It's amazing and I fear I may die if I don't have more chapters. DX...XD
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June 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
hiya! i'm back once again to beg you for just one more chapter for this story ... puhweeeeeease! ?!?! i'll make you brownies! ;-)
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June 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
PLease at some point update this story IM sick of waiting.
schedule
May 23, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hidoi! Such a cliffhanger. You know, I was hoping for their reactions to the transfer, but I admit that the scene was juicy. Ah, protective Neji is such a darling! In next chapter I hope there will be much self-searching for both Sasuke and Sakura. ^^ That is just to comment on the last scene.
Ah, so I noticed you saying that you wanted long reviews, filled with constructive criticism. Since we take the time to read something you have made such an effort to create, we should offer some comment on it, ne.
Well, first things first. I think you are very talented, I've never seen a plot similar to this and you have executed the idea very well. And I like the fic too, even though Sasuke/Naruto is not my favorite pairing (something you probably don't want to hear ^^), I'm really glad that you are taking things between them slowly, just as it should be. It's not very realistic for them to form an intimate relationship based on their past (*cough*canon*cough*) and it wont work at all if the writer doesn't put some serious thought into it.
Of course your characters are all a bit OOC, but thats to be expected considering your plot. After all, nothing would change if Naruto stayed the same. Rescuing Sasuke/Dragging Sasuke back to Konoha is a good trigger for change in Naruto, so I don't really mind it. And let me tell you how much I adore you for not bashing the characters, but making them change by realizing their mistakes. Even if Sakura is a bit too dense for my liking. ^^
Ino is a difficult character to write, since what we see of her in canon is basically a more cruel/airheaded version of Sakura (at least in my opinion). I can see though, that it could just be a mask or a pattern of behavior she is used to (plus Sakura and Ino bringing out worst in each other). But being in the same team as Shikamaru, since he is so blunt with his words (even though it's so troublesome), one should think that even Ino is capable of some self-study. What I wanted to say about her in your story anyway (getting to the point now ^^') is that in my opinion she is slightly too out of character. And by that I mean, you didn't really justify the reasons for the sudden change of heart. It was too sudden and it gave me the feeling that you just needed to get her into the story quickly. I can see her asking for Naruto's friendship, but her motivations in my mind wouldn't be that selfless. He doesn't know Naruto after all, so why would she want to be his friend. Her character might become across too shallow since everyone has their own agendas in everything they do.
I'll list the things that bothered me first, don't be discouraged.
I noticed that you have taken many elements from other stories and implemented them into your own (which is normal in a large fandom). I admit that I haven't read the manga all that much, so I can't say for sure. But the idea of the memories of the exploded bunshin transferring to Naruto. It's a good one and I've seen it done very well in numerous fics. You however introduced the idea very suddenly and it didn't flow with the rest of the chapter. What you could have done, instead of writing it down: "Naruto learned that he receives the memories of the clones", was ingrate it into the sentence or the paragraph like: "Naruto's head was suddenly flooded with the memories of his, now exploded, bunshins" or something like that, say it subtly, since the idea is already familiar to many.
There were some other things that I noticed as well, for example, the changing of the color of the clothes from orange to something less glaring. From the anime (manga?) I get the idea that Naruto likes the color. It clearly has something to do with wanting others attention and you wrote that part well. In fact I really enjoyed the conversation between Naruto and Lee and found it amusing that they would agree to the change of clothing together (it's something I can see them doing). I think I like your Lee, since he is obviously much deeper than the OC, but something about the scene still bothered me. Lee attacked the idea of Naruto's clothing too suddenly and Naruto connected it to him wanting attention too easily. Something else might have worked better, for example Naruto accepting the clothes for the sake of the mission and then realizing the positive change while ambushing someone. But it still flowed with the story and I realize that there were many important things you needed to get through with that conversation. And I don't want you to get the idea that it didn't work at all. It did! There were some parts that I really liked, Lee's intuitiveness and Naruto being affected by past abuse worked well.
What I want to congratulate was how you made Naruto's training with everyone work. The idea of multitasking was very good and funny. Sadistic Neji is great to read! You added it into the story quietly and it flowed with it. Especially good was the fact, that you paid some attention to it, but not too much.
Be careful of making Naruto too talented too quickly. We all love him as he is; clumsy, but always selfless. It's his faults that make him likable. Well, obviously if they aren't overdone, like Kishimoto likes to do. I hate the fact that if it weren't for Kyuubi and the Kage Bunshin.. Well, you know, dead last and all that. Oh, that reminds me, it's nice that you use his background as a prankster in your story, I like to think that it affects his behavior as a ninja too.
Don't mind the jumping I do between the paragraphs.
You seem to have a habit of explaining your writing and it's really unnecessary. I don't know if you notice it, or if you think that it needs to be done. Trust me, the story flows well and us readers can fill the 'what's between the lines'. I think it has something to do with wanting to implement things you want into the story quickly. Unfortunately they seem really detached from the rest of the text and they disrupt the reading.
For example the Bunshin-memory thing, or the team-8 added into the story. If you had just written that Naruto goes to eat with them, us readers would have deduced from it that Naruto obviously has been spending time with them, or is in familiar terms with them. There is no need to explain yourself, so to speak.
And Sasuke's self-inner-monologue in one of the earlier chapters was slightly weird, too deep and the change too sudden. Still, it wasn't too bad and it works with the rest of your story. It's the idea isn't it. I actually really like the idea of Sasuke being desperate for Naruto's companionship for a change. It's sweet.
Oh, and be careful of using fangirl-Japanese. It's a definite no-no. If you aren't going to write the fic in Japanese, stick to English. There are some exceptions, suffixes for example...
Okay, that's it I think. Those were the main things that bothered me.
Now to the good part. ^^ Which is shorter, but I don't think I need to point out everything. ^^
Your Tsunade is great and IC. I like the interaction between her and Naruto, the dialog is good and there is depth to her character. (Err.. Where is Shizune?)
The same applies to both Kakashi and Iruka and I like their characters and their inner dialog. You made Kakashi work, which is not very easy. There hasn't been much of Iruka in your fic, but I hope that will change in the future. (I'd like to see more of the other adults as well.)
Shikamaru and Neji are great, no doubt. In character and work well together. Lee is really different, but great. I like him. You make him very likable. And Sakura finding him attractive more believable.
Naruto is vulnerable, but likable. Make his change gradual and subtle and it will be great! Ah, I like Neji-niisan so much. Their interaction is great! (Neji is one of my favorite characters, if you haven't noticed ^^)
The grammar is good and there is nothing that really bothers me, or that would lessen the enjoyment of reading your fic. You really are very talented as a writer and have many great ideas, executed well. Naruto, Lee, Shikamaru and Neji being promoted to Chuunins is a brilliant idea! It creates a good opportunity for a change in the characters. Despite the things I pointed out as bothering me, I devoured your story and was left hungry for more. It really has great potential to be one of the best in the fandom. I don't say that lightly. In Naruto-fandom there are many fics that rest on a too simple idea and then end up falling short because the writer doesn't have enough experience or doesn't explore the characters and expand it to it's potential.
I think you need someone who you can talk to about where you want to go with the story and what you want to have in it and what you want to leave out. Well, a beta essentially. Someone to point out what doesn't work and what needs change.
Not saying it's me, I'm not even a native English speaker, so there is a definite change of me missing things that you want pointed out to you. Grammar etc.
I want to say again how talented I think you are and that you should continue writing. Definitely!
Umm.. I'm sorry I wrote such a long rant. I hope it makes enough sense and that you find it, if not helpful, then encouraging.
Ja, mata.
-KK
Ah, so I noticed you saying that you wanted long reviews, filled with constructive criticism. Since we take the time to read something you have made such an effort to create, we should offer some comment on it, ne.
Well, first things first. I think you are very talented, I've never seen a plot similar to this and you have executed the idea very well. And I like the fic too, even though Sasuke/Naruto is not my favorite pairing (something you probably don't want to hear ^^), I'm really glad that you are taking things between them slowly, just as it should be. It's not very realistic for them to form an intimate relationship based on their past (*cough*canon*cough*) and it wont work at all if the writer doesn't put some serious thought into it.
Of course your characters are all a bit OOC, but thats to be expected considering your plot. After all, nothing would change if Naruto stayed the same. Rescuing Sasuke/Dragging Sasuke back to Konoha is a good trigger for change in Naruto, so I don't really mind it. And let me tell you how much I adore you for not bashing the characters, but making them change by realizing their mistakes. Even if Sakura is a bit too dense for my liking. ^^
Ino is a difficult character to write, since what we see of her in canon is basically a more cruel/airheaded version of Sakura (at least in my opinion). I can see though, that it could just be a mask or a pattern of behavior she is used to (plus Sakura and Ino bringing out worst in each other). But being in the same team as Shikamaru, since he is so blunt with his words (even though it's so troublesome), one should think that even Ino is capable of some self-study. What I wanted to say about her in your story anyway (getting to the point now ^^') is that in my opinion she is slightly too out of character. And by that I mean, you didn't really justify the reasons for the sudden change of heart. It was too sudden and it gave me the feeling that you just needed to get her into the story quickly. I can see her asking for Naruto's friendship, but her motivations in my mind wouldn't be that selfless. He doesn't know Naruto after all, so why would she want to be his friend. Her character might become across too shallow since everyone has their own agendas in everything they do.
I'll list the things that bothered me first, don't be discouraged.
I noticed that you have taken many elements from other stories and implemented them into your own (which is normal in a large fandom). I admit that I haven't read the manga all that much, so I can't say for sure. But the idea of the memories of the exploded bunshin transferring to Naruto. It's a good one and I've seen it done very well in numerous fics. You however introduced the idea very suddenly and it didn't flow with the rest of the chapter. What you could have done, instead of writing it down: "Naruto learned that he receives the memories of the clones", was ingrate it into the sentence or the paragraph like: "Naruto's head was suddenly flooded with the memories of his, now exploded, bunshins" or something like that, say it subtly, since the idea is already familiar to many.
There were some other things that I noticed as well, for example, the changing of the color of the clothes from orange to something less glaring. From the anime (manga?) I get the idea that Naruto likes the color. It clearly has something to do with wanting others attention and you wrote that part well. In fact I really enjoyed the conversation between Naruto and Lee and found it amusing that they would agree to the change of clothing together (it's something I can see them doing). I think I like your Lee, since he is obviously much deeper than the OC, but something about the scene still bothered me. Lee attacked the idea of Naruto's clothing too suddenly and Naruto connected it to him wanting attention too easily. Something else might have worked better, for example Naruto accepting the clothes for the sake of the mission and then realizing the positive change while ambushing someone. But it still flowed with the story and I realize that there were many important things you needed to get through with that conversation. And I don't want you to get the idea that it didn't work at all. It did! There were some parts that I really liked, Lee's intuitiveness and Naruto being affected by past abuse worked well.
What I want to congratulate was how you made Naruto's training with everyone work. The idea of multitasking was very good and funny. Sadistic Neji is great to read! You added it into the story quietly and it flowed with it. Especially good was the fact, that you paid some attention to it, but not too much.
Be careful of making Naruto too talented too quickly. We all love him as he is; clumsy, but always selfless. It's his faults that make him likable. Well, obviously if they aren't overdone, like Kishimoto likes to do. I hate the fact that if it weren't for Kyuubi and the Kage Bunshin.. Well, you know, dead last and all that. Oh, that reminds me, it's nice that you use his background as a prankster in your story, I like to think that it affects his behavior as a ninja too.
Don't mind the jumping I do between the paragraphs.
You seem to have a habit of explaining your writing and it's really unnecessary. I don't know if you notice it, or if you think that it needs to be done. Trust me, the story flows well and us readers can fill the 'what's between the lines'. I think it has something to do with wanting to implement things you want into the story quickly. Unfortunately they seem really detached from the rest of the text and they disrupt the reading.
For example the Bunshin-memory thing, or the team-8 added into the story. If you had just written that Naruto goes to eat with them, us readers would have deduced from it that Naruto obviously has been spending time with them, or is in familiar terms with them. There is no need to explain yourself, so to speak.
And Sasuke's self-inner-monologue in one of the earlier chapters was slightly weird, too deep and the change too sudden. Still, it wasn't too bad and it works with the rest of your story. It's the idea isn't it. I actually really like the idea of Sasuke being desperate for Naruto's companionship for a change. It's sweet.
Oh, and be careful of using fangirl-Japanese. It's a definite no-no. If you aren't going to write the fic in Japanese, stick to English. There are some exceptions, suffixes for example...
Okay, that's it I think. Those were the main things that bothered me.
Now to the good part. ^^ Which is shorter, but I don't think I need to point out everything. ^^
Your Tsunade is great and IC. I like the interaction between her and Naruto, the dialog is good and there is depth to her character. (Err.. Where is Shizune?)
The same applies to both Kakashi and Iruka and I like their characters and their inner dialog. You made Kakashi work, which is not very easy. There hasn't been much of Iruka in your fic, but I hope that will change in the future. (I'd like to see more of the other adults as well.)
Shikamaru and Neji are great, no doubt. In character and work well together. Lee is really different, but great. I like him. You make him very likable. And Sakura finding him attractive more believable.
Naruto is vulnerable, but likable. Make his change gradual and subtle and it will be great! Ah, I like Neji-niisan so much. Their interaction is great! (Neji is one of my favorite characters, if you haven't noticed ^^)
The grammar is good and there is nothing that really bothers me, or that would lessen the enjoyment of reading your fic. You really are very talented as a writer and have many great ideas, executed well. Naruto, Lee, Shikamaru and Neji being promoted to Chuunins is a brilliant idea! It creates a good opportunity for a change in the characters. Despite the things I pointed out as bothering me, I devoured your story and was left hungry for more. It really has great potential to be one of the best in the fandom. I don't say that lightly. In Naruto-fandom there are many fics that rest on a too simple idea and then end up falling short because the writer doesn't have enough experience or doesn't explore the characters and expand it to it's potential.
I think you need someone who you can talk to about where you want to go with the story and what you want to have in it and what you want to leave out. Well, a beta essentially. Someone to point out what doesn't work and what needs change.
Not saying it's me, I'm not even a native English speaker, so there is a definite change of me missing things that you want pointed out to you. Grammar etc.
I want to say again how talented I think you are and that you should continue writing. Definitely!
Umm.. I'm sorry I wrote such a long rant. I hope it makes enough sense and that you find it, if not helpful, then encouraging.
Ja, mata.
-KK
schedule
April 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Pleas continue writting this I need to see Sakura realize her mistakes as Sasuke has. Its just too depressing a note to leave off of. Or a not final enough note.
schedule
April 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Wow this is an amazing alternate time line i hope you continue it. I really want to see how naruto recovers. And what i want to see most is sakura realizing her stupidity. PLease continue~
schedule
April 8, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Finally I found a well written story again! :D I wanted to tell you how much I loved the story so far!!! You really took your time to explain Naruto's and Sasuke's feelings and they seem so much in character. It made my heart ache when I read the conversation between Lee and Naruto. It's so painful when Naruto realized that his new teammembers really want to support him and how different is was with Team 7. -.-' Poor sweetie! But even though he is hurt this experience really made him grow. Sasuke will surely have some difficulties to recognize his old friend. Well but how knows? I still have (sadly only) 2 chapters to go. ^^
schedule
April 8, 2008 at 12:00 AM
*ARGH* This fic is so well written and I can't wait to see how the relationship between Sasuke and Naruto continues. You want me to beg?? There you have it: Update soon!!! Please!!! Pleeeease?? I'm sorry but I just had to. ^__^' There are so many things I like about your story. The way you write each character (only Sakura feels a bit ooc) and how the story develops. Oh and talking about Sakura I love your Ino! You're right I like Ino better than Sakura, too. Although I'm not one of those people who hates her in general. Poor girl needs to grow up and she will... I felt a bit sorry for Sasuke which made me want to smack my head. Of course Naruto had to react like that. Who would't? Nobody would forgive something like that easily. *sigh* I really hope you didn't give up on this story.
schedule
April 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
hey c! just wanted to beg you NOT to forget this fic! it's one of the best, and i luv your style! if you have it posted somewhere, please e-mail me
madeline.harris@hotmail.com
madeline.harris@hotmail.com
schedule
April 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Why must you end it there, you cruel, cruel person.
I NEED THE STORY!!!
*has a seizure and dies.*
It's a good story, one of my favorite, can't wait to see how you're gonna turn this into a Sasu/naru though. Gonna be interesting.
Leeana69
Why must you end it there, you cruel, cruel person.
I NEED THE STORY!!!
*has a seizure and dies.*
It's a good story, one of my favorite, can't wait to see how you're gonna turn this into a Sasu/naru though. Gonna be interesting.
Leeana69