schedule
May 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
chapter 5 SUCKS! how could you do that?
schedule
May 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
All I can say is DAMN!! No wait.......I can say more.....well....no...just DAMN!!! This reminds me of a movie that I saw. I can't remember the name but, this guy had an obsession with this lady and so he kidnapped her and cut off her arms and legs.
schedule
May 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OH MY GOD.
schedule
May 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I would like to take a moment to critically review this thing, aside from the one phrase exclamation I did before.
Your story is dark -- which can be a very good thing. The concepts are extremely disturbing and violent and this is a story that could really take a lot of turns from the series and go somewhere really cool. Its perfectly fine to take alot of liberties with the characters and the world, but you need to take a step back and establish your setting.
When I first started reading this, I was completely thrown back at how out of character it all was. I mean Hinata was fine, but then Gaara came out of nowhere and was so OOC that I was thrown out of the story. It really made no sense. Also, throughout the story you've given the reader no sense of WHY all this was happening. It seemed like pointless rape without a plot. You have some intreguing elements that could really turn this into a fantastic story. The underground training caves and vast sand army that exist without the Fire Country's knowledge makes for an interesting development. I also like the added touch of the Sand having their own language. The concept of making the two countries suprise enemies in which both Naruto and Gaara would having to fight, demons bared, is also a great idea. I'd like to see you develop them futher.
My suggestions... try going back and establishing more of a setting and time frame for when the story takes place. An evil Gaara and fearsome Sand Army might be interesting if it took place prior to the Chuunin exam where they all originally met in the story. At that time, Gaara was still quite the evil, isolated, and disturbed young man who 'might' do something like that. During that time frame, he was still very much a weapon of the Sand and such actions would seem fitting (allowing their monster to take a promenant member of the village and having his way with her as a declaration of war). Of course, if you did this, then Tsunande would not be Hokage in this story and the relationships between the characters in Konoha would be different. If you chose to put the story later on in the time frame (allowing Tsunande to be there and Naruto to have more of a connection with Hinata and having more skills), then I suggest you go back and put a bit of a back story mentioning what had happened between the village and perhaps something different that happened at the last Chunnin exams (different from the original story) that might make the relations between the Sand and Konoha, or Gaara's current personality, seem plausable. ALso, another thing that irked me in the story was how open and nonchalant Tsunande and Naruto were about talking about the Kyuubi infront of everyone. You should have atleast made it a shocking relevation to everyone that Naruto was outted as the fox infront of all his friends. More resistance and insecurtity on Naruto's part aswell. Of course, these are just suggestions. Its up to you to choose what the parameters of your story are and who plays what part.
I hope you do take the chance to go back and develop this story further. You've definatly got some great (and truely dark) concepts playing out in this story regarding rape and degredation. However, when you mention such strong and impacting elements, there should be reprocussions. I hope you'll think on it more and if you do, I will look forward to what you put out in the future. Until then, I will have to agree with the others that in its current form, the story is subpar. (Also, think of a better title! ALthough, I haven't published anything on this site yet, so I don't know if you are able to modify such a thing.)
Best of luck!
Your story is dark -- which can be a very good thing. The concepts are extremely disturbing and violent and this is a story that could really take a lot of turns from the series and go somewhere really cool. Its perfectly fine to take alot of liberties with the characters and the world, but you need to take a step back and establish your setting.
When I first started reading this, I was completely thrown back at how out of character it all was. I mean Hinata was fine, but then Gaara came out of nowhere and was so OOC that I was thrown out of the story. It really made no sense. Also, throughout the story you've given the reader no sense of WHY all this was happening. It seemed like pointless rape without a plot. You have some intreguing elements that could really turn this into a fantastic story. The underground training caves and vast sand army that exist without the Fire Country's knowledge makes for an interesting development. I also like the added touch of the Sand having their own language. The concept of making the two countries suprise enemies in which both Naruto and Gaara would having to fight, demons bared, is also a great idea. I'd like to see you develop them futher.
My suggestions... try going back and establishing more of a setting and time frame for when the story takes place. An evil Gaara and fearsome Sand Army might be interesting if it took place prior to the Chuunin exam where they all originally met in the story. At that time, Gaara was still quite the evil, isolated, and disturbed young man who 'might' do something like that. During that time frame, he was still very much a weapon of the Sand and such actions would seem fitting (allowing their monster to take a promenant member of the village and having his way with her as a declaration of war). Of course, if you did this, then Tsunande would not be Hokage in this story and the relationships between the characters in Konoha would be different. If you chose to put the story later on in the time frame (allowing Tsunande to be there and Naruto to have more of a connection with Hinata and having more skills), then I suggest you go back and put a bit of a back story mentioning what had happened between the village and perhaps something different that happened at the last Chunnin exams (different from the original story) that might make the relations between the Sand and Konoha, or Gaara's current personality, seem plausable. ALso, another thing that irked me in the story was how open and nonchalant Tsunande and Naruto were about talking about the Kyuubi infront of everyone. You should have atleast made it a shocking relevation to everyone that Naruto was outted as the fox infront of all his friends. More resistance and insecurtity on Naruto's part aswell. Of course, these are just suggestions. Its up to you to choose what the parameters of your story are and who plays what part.
I hope you do take the chance to go back and develop this story further. You've definatly got some great (and truely dark) concepts playing out in this story regarding rape and degredation. However, when you mention such strong and impacting elements, there should be reprocussions. I hope you'll think on it more and if you do, I will look forward to what you put out in the future. Until then, I will have to agree with the others that in its current form, the story is subpar. (Also, think of a better title! ALthough, I haven't published anything on this site yet, so I don't know if you are able to modify such a thing.)
Best of luck!
schedule
May 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I love it...Its very well done. The master/slave dynamic is well done. Please continue
schedule
April 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
wow!!!!!!! i love it ....its kinda dark and a bit creepy but i reall love it !!! keep writin it!!! <3
schedule
March 16, 2007 at 12:00 AM
update! please!
schedule
January 14, 2007 at 12:00 AM
love
schedule
January 6, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I LOVED IT!!!!!! Dosent the thrill of having compleate controle over another person just make you want to laugh in happyness?
schedule
January 6, 2007 at 12:00 AM
you need to post anouther chapter before i die of suspince
thanks
thanks