errorYou must be logged in to review this story.
schedule
August 26, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hit me up if you need help.
The idea for this fic is good, but it needs ALOT of work.
I mean no disrespect.
Just email me if you're in need of assistance.
:D
The idea for this fic is good, but it needs ALOT of work.
I mean no disrespect.
Just email me if you're in need of assistance.
:D
schedule
August 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I just now read your story and got so into it.....now you are rewriting it!!!!! Please don't take to long, it's really good!!
schedule
August 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Mm..you really do need a beta and I agree that you should stop switching the POVs so quickly.Another thing Nara is Shikamaru's last name, not first name.Unless..you're using Nara as some sort of nickname then I suppose that's fine.
Umm..it's a good idea, but you just need to work on it a little more.
Umm..it's a good idea, but you just need to work on it a little more.
schedule
August 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
OKAY PLEASE TELL ME UR UPDATING SOON.
i just want to know ur gonna update soon, cuz im really interested
as to know whats going to happen when sasuke comes over..QUICK!! REVIEW!!!
i just want to know ur gonna update soon, cuz im really interested
as to know whats going to happen when sasuke comes over..QUICK!! REVIEW!!!
schedule
August 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Okay, so I'll review, if no one else has the guts to do so.
It's very difficult to follow the storyline if you constantly switch between the P.O.V.'s and even the tenses. You should either choose present tense or past tense. Also, you seem to use both Shikamaru's first and last name randomly - it was a bit confusing. Maybe you should write longer passages about what Naruto, Shika and Sasuke are feeling, thinking, so the reader can understand why they are acting that way.
Please work on this, because I really like the general idea of your story. It could become a fantastic piece of work!
It's very difficult to follow the storyline if you constantly switch between the P.O.V.'s and even the tenses. You should either choose present tense or past tense. Also, you seem to use both Shikamaru's first and last name randomly - it was a bit confusing. Maybe you should write longer passages about what Naruto, Shika and Sasuke are feeling, thinking, so the reader can understand why they are acting that way.
Please work on this, because I really like the general idea of your story. It could become a fantastic piece of work!
schedule
August 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This looks like it could turn out good, its a little different to what ive read before and looks promosing. Hope you update soon. Bye bye.
(PS> Sorry for spelling mistake's)
(PS> Sorry for spelling mistake's)
schedule
August 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I really like it so far. You had some mistakes in there, but not to many. I felt bad for Naruto. I love how Shikamaru stood up for him. Sasuke's in denial, lol! Please update!
schedule
August 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Well, first I want to say I like the basic idea of your plot. It has good potential, though things concerning Naruto's previous relationship with Sasuke (before he declared he was in love with him) would be nice if they were fleshed out a bit more. Perhaps you intend to do that as the story continues?
However, the story itself needs a beta editor; you have a lot of editing issues. Not only typos, but you have an issue with switching tenses. The constant switching of POV is a little annoying also, especially with the switching tenses (and sometimes, even if it was supposed to be someone's first person, it was half-written in "normal POV"). I'm actually a person that doesn't usually mind reading switching POVs, but when it's such short clips of story, it's really irritating. It could all just be told from 3rd person narrative (aka "normal"), and the information we're getting wouldn't be any different.
Also, your chunks of text would be easier to read if they were broken into proper paragraphs. Each person's dialogue should also get a new paragraph. You also had a lot of run-on sentences, many using "and" or "cuz" to just keep a sentence going. "Cuz" is annoying in itself, because it is rather slang and not every character would speak this way. Iruka in particular would use the whole word, simply because he's more polite/proper. Many of your run-on sentences were actually two or three sentences, missing vital commas or periods. Please, make punctuation your friend.
Finally, I'll say that the clarification in parentheses concerning Kakashi and Iruka being Naruto's dads and teachers- that was a bit distracting. It was basically author's notes in the middle of the story. :( A rule of thumb for such things: if it needs clarified right away, try to find a way to clarify it in the story's own narration, rather than your author voice. If it can wait until the end, put it in an author's note (A/N) at the end of the chapter. It gets particularly annoying with Naruto thinking of both of them as "dad" and you saying in parentheses (Kakashi) or (Iruka). And why would Naruto first say "my dad" for Kakashi, when in the first chapter he only mentioned Iruka, then when he's going to Iruka's class, he says "Mr. Umino". If you told the story completely from 3rd person, you could avoid this confusion by just using their names.
Okay, I really hope you don't think that was a flame. It's not, I just would like to see the story do well. I hope you take this advice, AND get a beta, so you won't lose so many readers from your confusing format. Also, make sure you put a disclaimer in the story, otherwise it could be deleted by Admin.
Don't let this critique get you down, just please take the advice to make your writing better! That and practice will help you improve much! If you have any questions, I don't mind if you e-mail me, as long as you don't attack me personally because of my critiques, etc.
~ lg
However, the story itself needs a beta editor; you have a lot of editing issues. Not only typos, but you have an issue with switching tenses. The constant switching of POV is a little annoying also, especially with the switching tenses (and sometimes, even if it was supposed to be someone's first person, it was half-written in "normal POV"). I'm actually a person that doesn't usually mind reading switching POVs, but when it's such short clips of story, it's really irritating. It could all just be told from 3rd person narrative (aka "normal"), and the information we're getting wouldn't be any different.
Also, your chunks of text would be easier to read if they were broken into proper paragraphs. Each person's dialogue should also get a new paragraph. You also had a lot of run-on sentences, many using "and" or "cuz" to just keep a sentence going. "Cuz" is annoying in itself, because it is rather slang and not every character would speak this way. Iruka in particular would use the whole word, simply because he's more polite/proper. Many of your run-on sentences were actually two or three sentences, missing vital commas or periods. Please, make punctuation your friend.
Finally, I'll say that the clarification in parentheses concerning Kakashi and Iruka being Naruto's dads and teachers- that was a bit distracting. It was basically author's notes in the middle of the story. :( A rule of thumb for such things: if it needs clarified right away, try to find a way to clarify it in the story's own narration, rather than your author voice. If it can wait until the end, put it in an author's note (A/N) at the end of the chapter. It gets particularly annoying with Naruto thinking of both of them as "dad" and you saying in parentheses (Kakashi) or (Iruka). And why would Naruto first say "my dad" for Kakashi, when in the first chapter he only mentioned Iruka, then when he's going to Iruka's class, he says "Mr. Umino". If you told the story completely from 3rd person, you could avoid this confusion by just using their names.
Okay, I really hope you don't think that was a flame. It's not, I just would like to see the story do well. I hope you take this advice, AND get a beta, so you won't lose so many readers from your confusing format. Also, make sure you put a disclaimer in the story, otherwise it could be deleted by Admin.
Don't let this critique get you down, just please take the advice to make your writing better! That and practice will help you improve much! If you have any questions, I don't mind if you e-mail me, as long as you don't attack me personally because of my critiques, etc.
~ lg
schedule
August 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I don't like it. Main reason, you need to stop switching between POV's so much. It just doesn't work. And first person pov is hard to pull off in a way that's very likeable and it's just not working for you. I'd just go for the standard 3rd person omniscient POV that can switch at many points within the story without being annoying.
schedule
August 24, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Well, it is rather short so I can't really make a solid decision on whether I like it yet or not. However, if you happened to add more chapters I would certainly have to read them so I could decide if I like it. I do have one suggestion though: You might want to get a beta.
Dryad1789@hotmail.com
Dryad1789@hotmail.com