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April 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
It's a good lemon, sexy and imaginative enough, it's too bad there really isn't much of the characters themselves showing through -- I didn't get a real sense that it was Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto, really, just Girl, Dark-And-Handsome and Naughty Boy. They're nice archetypes to play with, and sure, Team Seven fits, but it was still quite a loose fit if you see what I mean. The writing was fine, though, and eee husbands and children socute!
Like I said, it was a good lemon, and on the sex front it definitely delivered, but as for the IC-ness it could be made a tighter fit (I'm picky as hell about characterisation, though XD) But then balancing the two is hard as hell, so hey. x__x :hates writing lemons for that very reason:
Like I said, it was a good lemon, and on the sex front it definitely delivered, but as for the IC-ness it could be made a tighter fit (I'm picky as hell about characterisation, though XD) But then balancing the two is hard as hell, so hey. x__x :hates writing lemons for that very reason:
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March 20, 2007 at 12:00 AM
AWESOME STUFF! This is the story that finally inspired me to start writing my first fanfic. Well done! Keep it as is.
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December 31, 2006 at 12:00 AM
F*CK!!!!!!!!!!THAT WAS SO F*KING HAWT, WITH ALL THOSE SMEX TOYS I WAS PRACTICALLY CUMMING IN MY UNDIES!!!
~_~
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November 22, 2006 at 12:00 AM
wow that was great you should write a sequel where sakura is punished even worse
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September 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Wow, this is a good lemon, poor sakura to piss both of them off so much. if you like sad fics... you should write an angst for the senario if sakura acutally died.
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September 17, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Very hott!! Haha, love this story! I KNOW you won't let her stop now! Would you? CAN'T WAIT FOR THE UPDATE!!
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September 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
What the hell did she do!?
I didn't walk into this with any preconcieved notions of what I want this to be, so I can't say for what you had in mind. But, it seemed pretty hardcore to me.
You can improve upon the steamyness of the scene by adding feelings that readers can identify with. The desperate need when being teased and being helpless to help it along. The longing, fear, trepidation, pain, and pure unadultered lust that Sakura would be feeling in this sort of a situation. You could possibly further tease the plot along as well, by showing some of Sakura's disjointed thoughts as the guys are doing this. Like she is thinking she shouldn't have done... Naruto's hands stopped her train of thought, you get the idea.
Good job, update soon! And, for the love of God, what the hell did she do!?
I didn't walk into this with any preconcieved notions of what I want this to be, so I can't say for what you had in mind. But, it seemed pretty hardcore to me.
You can improve upon the steamyness of the scene by adding feelings that readers can identify with. The desperate need when being teased and being helpless to help it along. The longing, fear, trepidation, pain, and pure unadultered lust that Sakura would be feeling in this sort of a situation. You could possibly further tease the plot along as well, by showing some of Sakura's disjointed thoughts as the guys are doing this. Like she is thinking she shouldn't have done... Naruto's hands stopped her train of thought, you get the idea.
Good job, update soon! And, for the love of God, what the hell did she do!?
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September 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Ahhh, it cut off right when it was getting really interesting. Looking good so far, although I am interested into what got the boys so angry with Sakura, but I like how it's going.
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September 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Oh, be happy with it, be happy with it--I am!!!! Please, please continue and let us have a DP story . . .
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September 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
GAH. This is so hot. *__* I am interested in what Sakura did to get into this situation, hmmm. Please update soon!