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September 20, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I love this story! And I do mean love! To me it's wonderful, the character development and plot are comparable to Relic and Ender's Game, in that once I start I can;t seem to stop reading.
You've entranced me, and for that I thank you.
You've entranced me, and for that I thank you.
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September 20, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Just a few quibbles.
You could use a good grammar nazi beta. I've noticed quite a few areas where your sentence structure sounds awkward and stilted. I keep reading because I like the storyline, but it would be so much better with a little revision.
Also, your "Japanese" is off. For example, you say that "Haneshi" equates to "DeathWings." Hane are wings, yes, and Shi is death, but this isn't how Japanese works. "Shi no Hane" would be fine. If you REALLY feel like you need to smoosh them together, I suppose you might get away with "Shibane," as the ha would likely become a ba. But the way you have it written, Haneshi, is more like WingDead. Or, you could forgo the fangirl Japanese all together, and just use (much less ludicrous-sounding) English. And "KageTsuise?" First of all, you can't just cut off half the reading on that last kanji there. Tsui-seki. And actually, if you're talking about a PERSON who tracks, it's a Tsuisekisha. ShadowStalker would be "Kage ni/no Tsuisekisha", depending on whether you're saying he is IN the shadows or OF the shadows. I SUPPOSE you could just use the first kanji of Tsuisekisha, tsui, or the o in ou (as in, oinin, the "Hunter-nin"), and make it KageTsui, though that sounds hella contrived.
How you chose a weird-ass word like "Mukuchi" for silent, I have no idea. I've never heard that word before, though the kanji are very simple. No-mouth. Breen's says it means "reticent," which I doubt is the image you were going for, and I have NO IDEA why you didn't just use shizuka or , but whatever. Anyway, cutting off the last part of Taiyou does make sense here, as that is how some actual seas/oceans are designated, but "Taikuchi" means "big mouth." I'm pretty sure that's not what you were going for. The on-yomi for shizuka are sei and jou, and while both seitai and joutai have several actual meanings, they're better than BigMouth.
And for what possible reason are you using Inu and Nezumi? They are DIRECTLY TRANSLATABLE. They carry NO special meaning. They are not "mysterious" or "exotic." They're just WORDS. Like sponge. Or squirrel. Nothin' special.
Fangirl Japanese is NOT helping your story. You've got a beautiful plotline going here, and I've love to see how the characters interact and watch things develop, but then I stumble over your grammatically incorrect fangirl Japanese crap, and it really screws everything up.
In summary: this story is good. If you got a good beta and ditched the retarded Japanese, it'd upgrade from good to excellent.
You could use a good grammar nazi beta. I've noticed quite a few areas where your sentence structure sounds awkward and stilted. I keep reading because I like the storyline, but it would be so much better with a little revision.
Also, your "Japanese" is off. For example, you say that "Haneshi" equates to "DeathWings." Hane are wings, yes, and Shi is death, but this isn't how Japanese works. "Shi no Hane" would be fine. If you REALLY feel like you need to smoosh them together, I suppose you might get away with "Shibane," as the ha would likely become a ba. But the way you have it written, Haneshi, is more like WingDead. Or, you could forgo the fangirl Japanese all together, and just use (much less ludicrous-sounding) English. And "KageTsuise?" First of all, you can't just cut off half the reading on that last kanji there. Tsui-seki. And actually, if you're talking about a PERSON who tracks, it's a Tsuisekisha. ShadowStalker would be "Kage ni/no Tsuisekisha", depending on whether you're saying he is IN the shadows or OF the shadows. I SUPPOSE you could just use the first kanji of Tsuisekisha, tsui, or the o in ou (as in, oinin, the "Hunter-nin"), and make it KageTsui, though that sounds hella contrived.
How you chose a weird-ass word like "Mukuchi" for silent, I have no idea. I've never heard that word before, though the kanji are very simple. No-mouth. Breen's says it means "reticent," which I doubt is the image you were going for, and I have NO IDEA why you didn't just use shizuka or , but whatever. Anyway, cutting off the last part of Taiyou does make sense here, as that is how some actual seas/oceans are designated, but "Taikuchi" means "big mouth." I'm pretty sure that's not what you were going for. The on-yomi for shizuka are sei and jou, and while both seitai and joutai have several actual meanings, they're better than BigMouth.
And for what possible reason are you using Inu and Nezumi? They are DIRECTLY TRANSLATABLE. They carry NO special meaning. They are not "mysterious" or "exotic." They're just WORDS. Like sponge. Or squirrel. Nothin' special.
Fangirl Japanese is NOT helping your story. You've got a beautiful plotline going here, and I've love to see how the characters interact and watch things develop, but then I stumble over your grammatically incorrect fangirl Japanese crap, and it really screws everything up.
In summary: this story is good. If you got a good beta and ditched the retarded Japanese, it'd upgrade from good to excellent.
schedule
September 20, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I hope you update soon!
schedule
September 19, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I have been following your story for awhile and am more impressed with every chapter. You handle the characters well by not taking them too out of character and yet adding depth. I also appreciate that you are not rushing the story. I am enjoying watching Naruto develop as he is training and at the same time developmet of the other's (Iruka, Itachi, Anko..etc..) Whenever you get a chance to update, I will be there waiting for the next chapter with a smile on my face. Thanks!
schedule
September 19, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OMG...I was SO happy to see that you'd added another chapter. I hope more will follow soon.
I enjoyed Anko's little lecture. It's nice to know that she understands where Naruto is coming from and helped him see why he needed to do what he was doing. I do think Itachi needs to try Raidou's suggestion. Less stubbornness from our Naru if he does. Although, maybe he gets a kick out of watching our favorite blond lose his cool?
If you have an update list, please add me! GREAT JOB!
I enjoyed Anko's little lecture. It's nice to know that she understands where Naruto is coming from and helped him see why he needed to do what he was doing. I do think Itachi needs to try Raidou's suggestion. Less stubbornness from our Naru if he does. Although, maybe he gets a kick out of watching our favorite blond lose his cool?
If you have an update list, please add me! GREAT JOB!
schedule
September 19, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Woot! You updated and i couldnt be happier :D I really like how detailed
you make Naruto's training sound...and i seriously wonder if Anko is gonna
wind up killing him soon or not lol. Nah just kidding..i know Naruto can take
whatever she gives him. Oh and i like Sakura too...the Strong Sakura from the
Shippuuden not the weak Sakura that used to cry over Sasuke all the time haha.
Well i will be on the lookout for your next update :D I'm eager to see him get
stronger and even more eager to see him get together with Itachi ;)
Oh and i like the part with Iruka too..Kakashi better watch out or he's gonna get it lol.
you make Naruto's training sound...and i seriously wonder if Anko is gonna
wind up killing him soon or not lol. Nah just kidding..i know Naruto can take
whatever she gives him. Oh and i like Sakura too...the Strong Sakura from the
Shippuuden not the weak Sakura that used to cry over Sasuke all the time haha.
Well i will be on the lookout for your next update :D I'm eager to see him get
stronger and even more eager to see him get together with Itachi ;)
Oh and i like the part with Iruka too..Kakashi better watch out or he's gonna get it lol.
schedule
September 19, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Oh my GOD!!
After reading Naruto's training with Anko I was so tired I didn't have enough strength TO MOVE THE MOUSE!! *Laughs*
Anyways, I really love the whole training session, it was like nothing I had ever read (or liturally experienced)
-Damp *I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER.*
P.S. Which will come out in TWO WEEKS, right?
After reading Naruto's training with Anko I was so tired I didn't have enough strength TO MOVE THE MOUSE!! *Laughs*
Anyways, I really love the whole training session, it was like nothing I had ever read (or liturally experienced)
-Damp *I CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER.*
P.S. Which will come out in TWO WEEKS, right?
schedule
September 19, 2007 at 12:00 AM
:D Yet another lovely chapter! Thank you! I await more!
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September 19, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I LOVE YOU!!! Please write more! It's such a great story and I am eagerly awaiting some Ita/Naru tenderness!!! Can't wait for the next chapter!
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September 19, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OMG dear. I love all your stories but this one and 'Winter's Release' have to be my two favorite ones of all time. I about died when I seen you updated this. It seems that no matter how crappy my day is, your stories always make me feel and warm and fuzzy! I love your style, plot and the pace--it's all perfect! And this chapter... this chapter was so good! ^^ Naruto survived his first day of training with his Sadistic sensei (I liked how you added that one moment in there when she was trying to be nice), Iruka's fed up with Kakashi and Itachi used a 'cute' comment in regards to Naruto... overall, I'd say that this chapter was awesome! I can't wait to read the next one! Keep up the great work!!!!!!