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November 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Interesting.
Apart From Simple Grammatical Errors And A Lack Of Punctuation Marks,I Like The Story.
It's Very Sweet.
Also,The Twists & The Plot Changes Are Exciting.
Update,Soon.
Apart From Simple Grammatical Errors And A Lack Of Punctuation Marks,I Like The Story.
It's Very Sweet.
Also,The Twists & The Plot Changes Are Exciting.
Update,Soon.
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March 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Man... thats messed up the whole Hanabi thing.. also i'm totally disappointed that you've no updated has this fic died? I hope not... continue on soon *Sends good writing vibes your way*
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May 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Please don't tell me this is it!! Keep it going man!!!
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March 27, 2007 at 12:00 AM
You know what Gaara's problem is, don't you? He needs to get laid... Why else do you think he is so cranky. I think they make a cute pairing, partially because they are my two favorite characters in the show, although their personalities couldn't be further apart. I suppose that is how he might act in such an environment.
You had Gaara admit his love for Hinata, and he wants her to love him. So write another chapter, and add some "love" for us lol.
I noticed Neji was pretty friendly with his cousin, and seemed rather jealous. Is there something going on behind closed doors in the Hyuuga home? And how will the Hyuuga family contend with meeting Gaara? Maybe she should invite him over for dinner. Not like he has anything better to do with his time, except kill people with sand!!!
Nice job, I enjoyed it, but it needs a lot of work. Try keeping them in their perspective range of personality. Gaara is selfish, I can see him being the controlling-jealous boyfriend type.
You had Gaara admit his love for Hinata, and he wants her to love him. So write another chapter, and add some "love" for us lol.
I noticed Neji was pretty friendly with his cousin, and seemed rather jealous. Is there something going on behind closed doors in the Hyuuga home? And how will the Hyuuga family contend with meeting Gaara? Maybe she should invite him over for dinner. Not like he has anything better to do with his time, except kill people with sand!!!
Nice job, I enjoyed it, but it needs a lot of work. Try keeping them in their perspective range of personality. Gaara is selfish, I can see him being the controlling-jealous boyfriend type.
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March 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
i like it. write more please?
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January 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Aww... i really like this story its getting very interesting keep it up i want to know wat happens next ^_^-
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January 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
can you update and when you do can you e-mail me please
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January 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I read the 3rd chap at 3 am on Jan. 2nd. Then, I spent ages writing an incredibly detailed review note, but it didn't get through because of daily maintenance!. In short, I will say that I like the CONCEPT of your story very much, as I am a big fan of WAFF-style Hinata fics to begin with, and I like your story in its CONCEPT. What I contend against is its DELIVERY, which in your case means bypassing punctuation. Here are some examples from your third chapter of your punctuation omission, followed by their punctuated brethren:
Oh no! Gaara it’s almost dusk how long was I asleep! ...Oh no! Gaara, it’s almost dusk! How long was I asleep?
He clutched his heart the pain was so unbearable he needed to see Yashamaru to see Hinata to see anyone. ...He clutched his heart. The pain was so unbearable. He needed to see Yashamaru, to see Hinata, to see anyone.
These are by far not the only errors, although you seemed fairly loyal to using punctuation through the first half of the story. The reason why I critique you on grammar is because improper grammar affects how much stress some words or phrases receive. For instance, in the first correction, the second exclamation point is interchangeable with a period, depending on how worried or panicked you want Hinata to sound while speaking in that sentence. However, the second reason is because grammatical correction is a form of revision, since you are re-reading the material looking to improve it. When you revise, even with the goal being grammatical revision, you are still likely to see a part of the story that you want to elaborate on or to change in some way. The changed product may be better or worse, but it will usually be better.
Aside from the grammar, however, I picked up on another error that is, at the very least, common in this chapter, especially in the scene where Gaara is showing Hinata the amusement park of sand at his hideout. Both Gaara and Hinata's speech tends to fluctuate between childhood and adulthood in complexity, which is all fine and good as long as you consistently progress from simple to complex speech and the chapter takes up multiple years. In this chapter, however, it seemed as though their speech was fairly childish at first, but then it changes without warning at the amusement park scene, then it switches randomly between the two after that. I'm sorry I can't pull up any specific examples (this review is looking too long as it stands) but if you compare a speech excerpt of them both from the beginning, middle, and end of this chapter, you will likely notice the fluctuation as well. Overall, I think this third chapter was a good improvement over the first two, but there are still some kinks to work out.
Looking forward to your future works
Oh no! Gaara it’s almost dusk how long was I asleep! ...Oh no! Gaara, it’s almost dusk! How long was I asleep?
He clutched his heart the pain was so unbearable he needed to see Yashamaru to see Hinata to see anyone. ...He clutched his heart. The pain was so unbearable. He needed to see Yashamaru, to see Hinata, to see anyone.
These are by far not the only errors, although you seemed fairly loyal to using punctuation through the first half of the story. The reason why I critique you on grammar is because improper grammar affects how much stress some words or phrases receive. For instance, in the first correction, the second exclamation point is interchangeable with a period, depending on how worried or panicked you want Hinata to sound while speaking in that sentence. However, the second reason is because grammatical correction is a form of revision, since you are re-reading the material looking to improve it. When you revise, even with the goal being grammatical revision, you are still likely to see a part of the story that you want to elaborate on or to change in some way. The changed product may be better or worse, but it will usually be better.
Aside from the grammar, however, I picked up on another error that is, at the very least, common in this chapter, especially in the scene where Gaara is showing Hinata the amusement park of sand at his hideout. Both Gaara and Hinata's speech tends to fluctuate between childhood and adulthood in complexity, which is all fine and good as long as you consistently progress from simple to complex speech and the chapter takes up multiple years. In this chapter, however, it seemed as though their speech was fairly childish at first, but then it changes without warning at the amusement park scene, then it switches randomly between the two after that. I'm sorry I can't pull up any specific examples (this review is looking too long as it stands) but if you compare a speech excerpt of them both from the beginning, middle, and end of this chapter, you will likely notice the fluctuation as well. Overall, I think this third chapter was a good improvement over the first two, but there are still some kinks to work out.
Looking forward to your future works
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December 5, 2006 at 12:00 AM
oh, the cuteness! i had no idea gaara and hinata could be so cute together. please keep going! i can't wait till they're older and the real fun starts! ^_^ heh heh
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December 2, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Your writing is a poem of three words: Your grammar sucks! Come on! This piece actually looks like it could shape up to be something, yet the screams of pain coming from your butchered sentences threatens to scare away any potential readers. The biggest problem I can see is comma usage, which you use about as often as apple sauce is used for soap. After that comes paragraph seperation. Take heart; there is a diamond underneath the dirty coal, but you need to do some more chiseling before its brilliance can be done justice, much less realized. Find a grammar website, and re-learn the properties of the comma, post-haste!