schedule
February 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I think it is a splendid second chapter, though I'm still not quite following why Naruto feels so much pressure to look good to Iruka and Kakashi. I think that needs a little more development. I love the scene where they first arrive at Kitsune Towers. The car door opening dragging Naruto out and then Naruto crashing into the glass door was brilliant. I like the backstory that's coming through so far, but I want more! Currently, I'm getting the impression that neither party (Sasuke nor Naruto) really have admitted to having any sort of feelings for each other. Sasuke is starting to become foggily aware of an at least physical attraction, and Naruto wishes to know that Sasuke doesn't hate him, but beyond that, we don't have much yet.
You had a really good hook in the first chapter with Sasuke's "hurricane level 7" temper, and that was enough to keep me reading. The part where you tell us that Naruto was calling during Sakura's date, (with all the "on one's birthday dinner" and "said boyfriend") was incredibly confusing and I had to reread it three times before I got it--I actually gave up on the paragraph the second time and didn't get it until later in the chapter when Sasuke, wondering about why Naruto resigned so suddenly, remembers the unanswered phonecalls from Naruto the night before. After that line, I was able to figure the paragraph out. It could just be me but you might one to take another look at it.
I huggle your charaterization of Kiba so far. The bar scene and everything following was just a lot of fun to read. I would agree that the elevator scene seemed more high than drunk though, but the stripping to prove his manliness was spot on (plus it didn't feel like you were just throwing it in there to start the gears turning on the Boy Love XD); I could see Naruto doing that.
I was wondering if Shikamaru really is smoking something because when Sasuke mentions it (and the possibility of him sharing it with Tsunade), the way Sasuke thought about it made me think it was one of those "rumors" that everyone knows is true but nobody ever talks about, like--well, like if you've ever had a friend that smoked something illegal.
I was interested by Naruto being borderline homophobic, and when it came up, coupled with the fact that he was feeling some sort of pressure from Kakashi and Iruka, this is what went through my head: Kakashi and Iruka. Hmm. Popular side pairing. Gasp! Maybe they are a couple and they are both of the opinion that Naruto likes guys...an idea that perhaps springs from long phone calls filled with rants about Sasuke! After so many "Sasuke this's" and "Sasuke that's", perhaps Kakashi said something crude like "just jump him already." Completely shocked (and in full denial of any possibility of romantic feeling towards "that *teme*", Naruto proceeds to concoct a lie about having a girlfriend and in fact he's thinking of proposing! Pressed for details, he *steals* Sakura, and in later phone calls, pressed for updates, he informs his senseis that he has proposed!
...well, some of that didn't go through my head until I read the entirety of Naruto's reasons for quitting as presented in his inebriated state to Sasuke. But yeah. That's why I thought more or less. Maybe that's just really weird though. >_O
I really like this story, and I appreciate the way your developing things. I don't mind that the boys haven't jumped head first into lust or something, and that attraction is developing slowly. That doesn't mean I want it to stay slow--I fully expect a series of events that will throw the relationship into motion, but this pace is nice, and your writing is nice, so I'm going to trust you to know when to go slow and when to heat things up! XD
I hope to see another chapter sometime soon.
Sincerely
mydarkerside
You had a really good hook in the first chapter with Sasuke's "hurricane level 7" temper, and that was enough to keep me reading. The part where you tell us that Naruto was calling during Sakura's date, (with all the "on one's birthday dinner" and "said boyfriend") was incredibly confusing and I had to reread it three times before I got it--I actually gave up on the paragraph the second time and didn't get it until later in the chapter when Sasuke, wondering about why Naruto resigned so suddenly, remembers the unanswered phonecalls from Naruto the night before. After that line, I was able to figure the paragraph out. It could just be me but you might one to take another look at it.
I huggle your charaterization of Kiba so far. The bar scene and everything following was just a lot of fun to read. I would agree that the elevator scene seemed more high than drunk though, but the stripping to prove his manliness was spot on (plus it didn't feel like you were just throwing it in there to start the gears turning on the Boy Love XD); I could see Naruto doing that.
I was wondering if Shikamaru really is smoking something because when Sasuke mentions it (and the possibility of him sharing it with Tsunade), the way Sasuke thought about it made me think it was one of those "rumors" that everyone knows is true but nobody ever talks about, like--well, like if you've ever had a friend that smoked something illegal.
I was interested by Naruto being borderline homophobic, and when it came up, coupled with the fact that he was feeling some sort of pressure from Kakashi and Iruka, this is what went through my head: Kakashi and Iruka. Hmm. Popular side pairing. Gasp! Maybe they are a couple and they are both of the opinion that Naruto likes guys...an idea that perhaps springs from long phone calls filled with rants about Sasuke! After so many "Sasuke this's" and "Sasuke that's", perhaps Kakashi said something crude like "just jump him already." Completely shocked (and in full denial of any possibility of romantic feeling towards "that *teme*", Naruto proceeds to concoct a lie about having a girlfriend and in fact he's thinking of proposing! Pressed for details, he *steals* Sakura, and in later phone calls, pressed for updates, he informs his senseis that he has proposed!
...well, some of that didn't go through my head until I read the entirety of Naruto's reasons for quitting as presented in his inebriated state to Sasuke. But yeah. That's why I thought more or less. Maybe that's just really weird though. >_O
I really like this story, and I appreciate the way your developing things. I don't mind that the boys haven't jumped head first into lust or something, and that attraction is developing slowly. That doesn't mean I want it to stay slow--I fully expect a series of events that will throw the relationship into motion, but this pace is nice, and your writing is nice, so I'm going to trust you to know when to go slow and when to heat things up! XD
I hope to see another chapter sometime soon.
Sincerely
mydarkerside
schedule
February 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
This is a wonderfully written story. I can tell that you put a lot of effort in this. I can't wait to see what happens next.
schedule
February 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Lol, you're funny ;D. Anyway I like the chapter, mostly because of your writing style. It's very engaging, makes you wanna keep reading even the characters aren't doing much. I also like that they're grown ups, that's rare but a welcome change. You did well with a drunken Naruto, he's definitely drunk not high. High is more spacy, like 'yeah man that's soo cool', think Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Where as drunk is more dopey like the elevator and steps scenarios *smirks* which I totally enjoyed. If you're looking for a dopey high, check the people on X, they're all 'I love you', 'That feels nice' touchy and gropey and happy. Not that I'm a drunk or a stoner, I just know a lot of them, they amuse me :). Anyway, well done, write on XD.
schedule
February 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
aw, what was wrong with it? i personally found it charming and humorous. your drunk naruto is a laugh riot. bowing to a post... i'm certainly glad sasuke holds no illusions of marrying sakura. that just wouldn't be right. and i was wondering... you wrote that both sensei are coming to visit. is that because they both had a hand in naruto's life, or are they, ya know, together?
great second chapter! i look forward to the next!!
great second chapter! i look forward to the next!!
schedule
February 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I. Love. It.
Like, wide-eyed chibi sparkles love it. ***O3O***
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Seriously. If your writing style was a person, I would be down on one knee asking for their hand in marriage.
I would say "let me bear your children" but I've already pledged that service to about ...5 other authors. ^_^;;;;;; heh... ---Thank god they were all women, or I would have to flee the country. O_o Oh, wait... Surogate Mother. Well f*ck...
Just... Geh. Awsomeness! *bows down to you* The way you're writing this makes me want to see SasuNaru things to happen SO BAD!! XD (And that's a good thing, because anticipation is my crack.)
p.s. KibaHinata = *hearts everywhere*
Like, wide-eyed chibi sparkles love it. ***O3O***
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Seriously. If your writing style was a person, I would be down on one knee asking for their hand in marriage.
I would say "let me bear your children" but I've already pledged that service to about ...5 other authors. ^_^;;;;;; heh... ---Thank god they were all women, or I would have to flee the country. O_o Oh, wait... Surogate Mother. Well f*ck...
Just... Geh. Awsomeness! *bows down to you* The way you're writing this makes me want to see SasuNaru things to happen SO BAD!! XD (And that's a good thing, because anticipation is my crack.)
p.s. KibaHinata = *hearts everywhere*
schedule
February 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I like this story! I was wondering where you have been! I have only one request, please make Naruto the uke, pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaasssssseeeeeeee!
schedule
February 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Well, personally I don't think this sucks; it could use a little bit of structure here and there for the arguments 'cuz they're too vague, bu they, it's 2nd chappie =D just an introduction. So give it your best and continue ^^ Btw I love the ways Sasuke reacts...
schedule
February 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
AHHHHHHHHH! Cliffhanger, I hate them, what's wrong with Naruto, is he secretly in love with Sasuke?
schedule
February 1, 2007 at 12:00 AM
dude, please add more. this is awesome. ;__;
schedule
January 29, 2007 at 12:00 AM
like the others have asked, will there be an update with a ch 2 soon? i would love to see where this is going. =}