schedule
January 30, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 45: Nice opening. . . . Beautiful first scene.
Oh man, that’s creepy. Naruto’s unconscious but looking around. Yikes. . . . Jeez, that was creepy but I liked it. (I’m praying like hell that nothing more happens between Orochimaru and Sasuke, though. That just turns my stomach.)
I like Sasuke’s POVs warring with each other.
. . . Like an itch, that curse mark is. Or a virus. . . . Whoa, that was neat. “Are you saying that you’re broken?” Good one. . . . Man, this scene is unusual. It’s really good, I’ve just never seen another one quite like this. . . . Interesting metaphors. . . . YESSSSS!!! One of them admits it!!! ^_^
Oh man, that’s creepy. Naruto’s unconscious but looking around. Yikes. . . . Jeez, that was creepy but I liked it. (I’m praying like hell that nothing more happens between Orochimaru and Sasuke, though. That just turns my stomach.)
I like Sasuke’s POVs warring with each other.
. . . Like an itch, that curse mark is. Or a virus. . . . Whoa, that was neat. “Are you saying that you’re broken?” Good one. . . . Man, this scene is unusual. It’s really good, I’ve just never seen another one quite like this. . . . Interesting metaphors. . . . YESSSSS!!! One of them admits it!!! ^_^
schedule
January 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 36: Uh-oh, Sasuke’s not going to be amused. Well, I dunno, he’s lightening up. Still doubt it, though. . . . Oh boy, I can’t wait for the scene to find Sasuke’s substitute outfit, I can just tell that’s going to be fun. ^^
I like the whole sparring scene. I wonder if it was hard to write, because a lot of authors say that fight scenes are. . . . I like Sasuke’s compliment to Naruto; it didn’t surprise me too much because it was worked into his character; I could hear him saying it. . . . I also like his slowly increasing sense of humor. . . . Aww man, that was disappointing. I wanted to see Naruto “get nailed to the tree” too. :(
I like the comment on Naruto’s stitches and sewing. It makes sense. . . . Heheh, I like the bit about Naruto saying what he will be to Sasuke and what he won’t be--and why. ^_^ . . . “Sasuke didn’t like unknowns. [. . .]” Good one. . . . “Mate . . .” Has a nice sound to it. . . . Uh-oh, he wants Sasuke to beg, I bet! . . . Oh, no, I was wrong. Man, each of your hot scenes are unique! ^_^ . . . “Drifted down” Haven’t heard that one before; nice.
Aww, aren’t we going to see Sasuke “nail Naruto” again? (*makes sad puppydog eyes*)
I like the whole sparring scene. I wonder if it was hard to write, because a lot of authors say that fight scenes are. . . . I like Sasuke’s compliment to Naruto; it didn’t surprise me too much because it was worked into his character; I could hear him saying it. . . . I also like his slowly increasing sense of humor. . . . Aww man, that was disappointing. I wanted to see Naruto “get nailed to the tree” too. :(
I like the comment on Naruto’s stitches and sewing. It makes sense. . . . Heheh, I like the bit about Naruto saying what he will be to Sasuke and what he won’t be--and why. ^_^ . . . “Sasuke didn’t like unknowns. [. . .]” Good one. . . . “Mate . . .” Has a nice sound to it. . . . Uh-oh, he wants Sasuke to beg, I bet! . . . Oh, no, I was wrong. Man, each of your hot scenes are unique! ^_^ . . . “Drifted down” Haven’t heard that one before; nice.
Aww, aren’t we going to see Sasuke “nail Naruto” again? (*makes sad puppydog eyes*)
schedule
January 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 37: Just had a funny thought about this first scene: That’d be funny if those girls that “sidled up to them and laughingly had led them away with promises of ‘getting what they came here for’” turned out to be real prostitutes, and Naruto and Sasuke, thinking the girls were undercover ninja, would be all like “whoops, where are we?” when the girls start trying to lapdance them. ^^ . . . Wow, Sasuke looks delish. . . . I like the tension in the scene of “what does he know”/“what are they expecting”/etc.
Little Error: “We can’t say the seal is full-proof, but like Sasuke explained [. . .]” Actually, you mean “foolproof.”
Oh, shoot. Orochimaru’s pushing at the seal? That’s not good. Expected, but not good. . . . I like this line: “One only had to ask Sasuke to confirm it, as long as one didn’t mind getting incinerated by a fireball afterwards.” ^_^
I like Sasame’s story.
Grammar Error: In the very last paragraph, there’s a sentence beginning with “Who would of thought.” I know it sounds like that, but I think you mean “Who would’ve thought.”
Little Error: “We can’t say the seal is full-proof, but like Sasuke explained [. . .]” Actually, you mean “foolproof.”
Oh, shoot. Orochimaru’s pushing at the seal? That’s not good. Expected, but not good. . . . I like this line: “One only had to ask Sasuke to confirm it, as long as one didn’t mind getting incinerated by a fireball afterwards.” ^_^
I like Sasame’s story.
Grammar Error: In the very last paragraph, there’s a sentence beginning with “Who would of thought.” I know it sounds like that, but I think you mean “Who would’ve thought.”
schedule
January 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 38: Whoa, I like that conversation and then the argument and especially the line that says “It’s good for you that I did get out, ‘cause by then you’d be the snake’s whore and your brother would still be alive.” I like the effect it had; I knew it would come before I started reading the next paragraph. . . . Oh, and the sudden confusion. . . ! I like it how Sasuke and Naruto are growing closer all the time. I’m glad it took this long before some of the more sentimental lines come in. Some stories have it in the first few chapters or have it as a oneshot, but you’ve worked it in and it’s not so weird. . . . I really like that scene. By this time in the story, there’s absolutely nothing weird or OOC about it. Good job.
While Shino’s not my favorite character (I don’t like him much), that was a good scene of his point of view. I like Kiba’s thoughts of “there’s this, but then, but okay that makes sense” and all that. Mm, I think Hinata’s a little OOC, though. I mean, I guess it is possible for her to want those things, but maybe not in quite those terms. An alternative is that maybe she thinks those things but doesn’t act that way out loud. I like the bit about her POV on Sai’s smile, especially that last line in the paragraph; that was a bit more like her, in my opinion.
While Shino’s not my favorite character (I don’t like him much), that was a good scene of his point of view. I like Kiba’s thoughts of “there’s this, but then, but okay that makes sense” and all that. Mm, I think Hinata’s a little OOC, though. I mean, I guess it is possible for her to want those things, but maybe not in quite those terms. An alternative is that maybe she thinks those things but doesn’t act that way out loud. I like the bit about her POV on Sai’s smile, especially that last line in the paragraph; that was a bit more like her, in my opinion.
schedule
January 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 39: Aww, tapering off on the hot scenes? Well, guess I’m done with this story, goodbye! . . . Kidding! XD It’s kind of a pity, but smut ain’t everything. I’m gonna read this through to the end!! ^_^
Interesting first scene, but it’s a little hard for me to imagine Naruto wording stuff quite like that. (By the way, if this sounds extra-critical, it’s because I’ve been a little distracted and haven’t been able to get around to reviewing this story for a while.) I like the part where Sasuke added “legitimate,” though. . . . I like how you thought out the planning of all this--the pros and cons and arguments. . . . I like this part: “[. . .] prisoners that we take.” 'Not that I would take any,' he thought to himself. . . . I would’ve thought they’d’ve thought of the need for proof before presenting their ideas to Hanzaki, though . . . ah well, I guess it makes for an interesting story. ^_^ . . . Hoo boy, that elder better be good, I mean it; Sasuke had BETTER come out of this okay, grrr. . . . And now, at the end of this chapter, I’m hoping that Naruto comes out of this okay as well; wouldn’t it just suck if this is where everything went wrong? (You’re good at this, Zrina. Look at the way I’m reacting!)
Interesting first scene, but it’s a little hard for me to imagine Naruto wording stuff quite like that. (By the way, if this sounds extra-critical, it’s because I’ve been a little distracted and haven’t been able to get around to reviewing this story for a while.) I like the part where Sasuke added “legitimate,” though. . . . I like how you thought out the planning of all this--the pros and cons and arguments. . . . I like this part: “[. . .] prisoners that we take.” 'Not that I would take any,' he thought to himself. . . . I would’ve thought they’d’ve thought of the need for proof before presenting their ideas to Hanzaki, though . . . ah well, I guess it makes for an interesting story. ^_^ . . . Hoo boy, that elder better be good, I mean it; Sasuke had BETTER come out of this okay, grrr. . . . And now, at the end of this chapter, I’m hoping that Naruto comes out of this okay as well; wouldn’t it just suck if this is where everything went wrong? (You’re good at this, Zrina. Look at the way I’m reacting!)
schedule
January 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 40: God, I am so with you on that, Naruto (first paragraph). . . . Okay, they’re done, I hope this is taken favorably. . . . Good. Call me paranoid though, but that’d be funny if Ren had some hidden agenda; not funny-haha, but funny-uhoh.
Hm, I feel a smidgen of sympathy for Orochimaru (just a smidgen, mind you), but not enough to want to save him. Despite his current predicament, he’s still dangerous; he has malicious thoughts. . . . This scene . . . it’s damn near poetic! I like! . . . S**t. He has a plan? Kinda figured by now, but the sound of it still makes me nervous. . . . Good luck, man (actually, not really, I don’t want you to succeed--although, knowing this story, you probably will at least partway), but do you know that Kabuto’s dead?
Heheh, “My eyes are up here.” ^^ . . . Nice logic, Sasuke. Oh, and nice understanding too. Ooh, and nice parting line! :D
I like Kiba’s opinions about Shino and Sai. And I liked the paragraph starting with “Gee, why didn’t I think of that.” . . . O-okay! That was a rather odd note to leave off on. O.o
Hm, I feel a smidgen of sympathy for Orochimaru (just a smidgen, mind you), but not enough to want to save him. Despite his current predicament, he’s still dangerous; he has malicious thoughts. . . . This scene . . . it’s damn near poetic! I like! . . . S**t. He has a plan? Kinda figured by now, but the sound of it still makes me nervous. . . . Good luck, man (actually, not really, I don’t want you to succeed--although, knowing this story, you probably will at least partway), but do you know that Kabuto’s dead?
Heheh, “My eyes are up here.” ^^ . . . Nice logic, Sasuke. Oh, and nice understanding too. Ooh, and nice parting line! :D
I like Kiba’s opinions about Shino and Sai. And I liked the paragraph starting with “Gee, why didn’t I think of that.” . . . O-okay! That was a rather odd note to leave off on. O.o
schedule
January 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 31: Whoa, cool effect of the wind and flames.
(!!!) Interesting touch! Naruto wasn’t attacking after all! Sweet! :D
Good. They’re going to straighten some stuff out. . . . I like Sasuke’s confession about how he felt about his brother in the past, but I think he’d probably be a little slower in saying it. Maybe not so readily.
I like that bit about Sasuke “trying to sound helpful, but coming off as irritable.” Ahhhh! There’s the clone suggestion! (Plus a little addition. ^^)
“He blinked as he thought that he would never have described his friend as ‘nagging.’” Talk to Orochimaru, he would! ^^ I like Naruto’s thoughts going on a track and then pausing on something before continuing, by the way.
Tea, huh? What, is it like coffee for Sasuke or something?
Oh, crap. I’m glad Naruto likes to help people, but this could seriously give away their position! . . . Knew it. -_-
Sasuke still “owes” Naruto for “losing” the bet!!
Something else just occurred to me (it’ll probably be answered later or I’ll eventually figure it out). The title. Why is it called “The Sound of Dreams?”
(!!!) Interesting touch! Naruto wasn’t attacking after all! Sweet! :D
Good. They’re going to straighten some stuff out. . . . I like Sasuke’s confession about how he felt about his brother in the past, but I think he’d probably be a little slower in saying it. Maybe not so readily.
I like that bit about Sasuke “trying to sound helpful, but coming off as irritable.” Ahhhh! There’s the clone suggestion! (Plus a little addition. ^^)
“He blinked as he thought that he would never have described his friend as ‘nagging.’” Talk to Orochimaru, he would! ^^ I like Naruto’s thoughts going on a track and then pausing on something before continuing, by the way.
Tea, huh? What, is it like coffee for Sasuke or something?
Oh, crap. I’m glad Naruto likes to help people, but this could seriously give away their position! . . . Knew it. -_-
Sasuke still “owes” Naruto for “losing” the bet!!
Something else just occurred to me (it’ll probably be answered later or I’ll eventually figure it out). The title. Why is it called “The Sound of Dreams?”
schedule
January 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 32: “Who are you and where’s my bastard?” XD “Ahh, there you are.” XDD
“Hated cold” did he? Funny. He’s pretty cold himself. ^^ Maybe that’s why he’s irritable a lot of the time.
Okay, that’s just scary: Sasuke lighthearted? O.O
. . . Man, damn near poetic. . . . Whoa. . . . “A hard but chaste kiss,” eh? Kinda hard to picture. . . .
Oh, hey! Interesting ending, but you can’t leave me hanging like that! You caaaaaaan’t!
“Hated cold” did he? Funny. He’s pretty cold himself. ^^ Maybe that’s why he’s irritable a lot of the time.
Okay, that’s just scary: Sasuke lighthearted? O.O
. . . Man, damn near poetic. . . . Whoa. . . . “A hard but chaste kiss,” eh? Kinda hard to picture. . . .
Oh, hey! Interesting ending, but you can’t leave me hanging like that! You caaaaaaan’t!
schedule
January 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 33: See, Sasuke? Who said that act labeled you as “submissive?” ^_^
I like how Sasuke’s trying to read Naruto to get hints and cues. I love the “begging.” And the sudden threat. X)
Something I like about your sexy scenes is that I can “feel” what your characters are feeling. That’s not something that’s easy to get across. I’m referring to a paragraph near the end of this scene, the one that contains “He felt the Sharingan flare wildly.” That paragraph was especially vivid.
I like the ending scene with the OCs. It keeps the plot moving strong. ^_^
I like how Sasuke’s trying to read Naruto to get hints and cues. I love the “begging.” And the sudden threat. X)
Something I like about your sexy scenes is that I can “feel” what your characters are feeling. That’s not something that’s easy to get across. I’m referring to a paragraph near the end of this scene, the one that contains “He felt the Sharingan flare wildly.” That paragraph was especially vivid.
I like the ending scene with the OCs. It keeps the plot moving strong. ^_^
schedule
January 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 34: Okay, I agree about the fillers being evil, but to me they’re still OCs (just not your OCs).
Oh jeez, “One of your damn clones just grabbed my ass.” “Hey! That’s my ass, hands off!” XDDD . . . . Ooooh, “Hell Fire jutsu.” Scary. . . . Alright, interesting, a girl who’s vocally not taken with Sasuke (I’m not counting Tenten, Temari, Hinata, or Tayuya cuz they just never said anything). . . . Hey, cool; when a character is doing a monologue, you break it up into paragraphs and leave off the end quote. That’s something you also don’t see a lotta fanfic writers do; they usually just keep it all one long paragraph. . . . Hee hee, I like Naruto’s “discreet” flipping-off at Sasuke. ^^ And, ha ha, he’s clueless to her awkwardness.
Great last sentence.
Oh jeez, “One of your damn clones just grabbed my ass.” “Hey! That’s my ass, hands off!” XDDD . . . . Ooooh, “Hell Fire jutsu.” Scary. . . . Alright, interesting, a girl who’s vocally not taken with Sasuke (I’m not counting Tenten, Temari, Hinata, or Tayuya cuz they just never said anything). . . . Hey, cool; when a character is doing a monologue, you break it up into paragraphs and leave off the end quote. That’s something you also don’t see a lotta fanfic writers do; they usually just keep it all one long paragraph. . . . Hee hee, I like Naruto’s “discreet” flipping-off at Sasuke. ^^ And, ha ha, he’s clueless to her awkwardness.
Great last sentence.