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December 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
i just have to say that i really like the way you do seme!sasuke. usually i only like naruto as seme, but you did it so sasuke wasnt all 'grrr, i am a manly man!!!!!' very good job
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December 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 1: First paragraph, and already I love it just from the way it’s written. I liked Kakashi’s POV about what the effect of Sasuke being there would have on Naruto. Also, I thought that too about Sasuke’s slow moves when he and Naruto met! Nice line to leave off with for the break, by the way. The effect Sasuke had on Sakura was on me too; however, I’m still crazy for him, even though I’m worried as hell. You nailed it in your AN when you said that while we weren’t right there with Sasuke he still got his opinions and feelings across; and it was done so SMOOTHLY, I didn’t even realize it until you pointed it out and realized you were right! Good job! (Someone’s probably asked you this already, but are you a real writer? Cuz you’ve got the touch. And this is just after reading the first chapter.)
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December 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 2: I like the partially-seen note.
I can understand Naruto’s feelings from when he saw Sasuke. You’re good at describing them; it all fit with his expression in that scene in the manga. And I liked the joke about brooding. ^^
Oh, smooth! That slipping the note into Naruto’s hand was clever! I mean, I’ve seen it in other stories before, but it was worded so excellently! I had no idea that was what she was doing until she left! Good job!
Nicely done on the overheard dialogue. I like how you made the Elders unlikable, but not totally unreasonable. Some writers like to make someone hate a character by making them as repulsive as possible, but you had reason in yours and it made them more . . . realish I guess you could say. I mean, that thing about the Hyuuga curse seal was an awful thing to do or consider, but it made some sense. And the Elder spoke of it so businesslike, not maliciously.
I liked Naruto’s train of thought and then his spoken decision. Nicely constructed drama. ^_^
On finishing this chapter, I just realized something else: you had one issue going with the note Sakura glimpsed, and now you have another situation going about keeping Naruto locked up. That’s another thing you don’t see well-done in fanfiction every day; two different things going at once that may or may not have a connection to each other--only time will tell.
I can understand Naruto’s feelings from when he saw Sasuke. You’re good at describing them; it all fit with his expression in that scene in the manga. And I liked the joke about brooding. ^^
Oh, smooth! That slipping the note into Naruto’s hand was clever! I mean, I’ve seen it in other stories before, but it was worded so excellently! I had no idea that was what she was doing until she left! Good job!
Nicely done on the overheard dialogue. I like how you made the Elders unlikable, but not totally unreasonable. Some writers like to make someone hate a character by making them as repulsive as possible, but you had reason in yours and it made them more . . . realish I guess you could say. I mean, that thing about the Hyuuga curse seal was an awful thing to do or consider, but it made some sense. And the Elder spoke of it so businesslike, not maliciously.
I liked Naruto’s train of thought and then his spoken decision. Nicely constructed drama. ^_^
On finishing this chapter, I just realized something else: you had one issue going with the note Sakura glimpsed, and now you have another situation going about keeping Naruto locked up. That’s another thing you don’t see well-done in fanfiction every day; two different things going at once that may or may not have a connection to each other--only time will tell.
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December 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 3: Nice transition from being in Iruka’s house to waiting by the gate. And that is so Naruto to have firecrackers as a “necessity”! His odd-moment cleverness. ^_^
“Interesting statement coming from you. . . .” Good one. ^^
Iruka on caffeine . . . nice idea and not totally unbelievable. ^_~ And I love the code-talk! And Kakashi’s perception! I mean, we all know that’s not surprising, but like I keep saying, you get it across so damn well!
Oh, so that’s why he pulls out his book at odd moments. Makes sense; stress, relaxation/distraction (though slight for him). . . . I like the four lines starting with “Iruka? Hostile?”
Wait. Shizune’s middle-aged? I never would’ve thought. I thought she’d be in her thirties (and I don’t think that’s middle-aged).
Nice characterization of Tsunade. And nice description of the note; we don’t even know the exact words, and that says it all!
“Interesting statement coming from you. . . .” Good one. ^^
Iruka on caffeine . . . nice idea and not totally unbelievable. ^_~ And I love the code-talk! And Kakashi’s perception! I mean, we all know that’s not surprising, but like I keep saying, you get it across so damn well!
Oh, so that’s why he pulls out his book at odd moments. Makes sense; stress, relaxation/distraction (though slight for him). . . . I like the four lines starting with “Iruka? Hostile?”
Wait. Shizune’s middle-aged? I never would’ve thought. I thought she’d be in her thirties (and I don’t think that’s middle-aged).
Nice characterization of Tsunade. And nice description of the note; we don’t even know the exact words, and that says it all!
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December 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 4: In the initial dialogue, I could easily imagine each character saying what they said, although I had a hard time with Shino’s line (but then I usually have a hard time with him); Ino’s skepticism, Gai’s fervor, and Kiba’s mutterings were so them. Sai’s statement also caught me by surprise, but then that was the idea--and once again, it wasn’t a totally outrageous thing for him; he’s trying. ;) . . . Boy, you really thought this plan out, haven’t you!
Hee, “but he had always been loyal and good in a fight.” It was Kiba’s perception, so the word “loyal” stuck out at me. . . . Sakura’s hints were good, too.
The whole commotion scene was nicely constructed.
PERFECT. “Allowed a wide but empty smile stretch his lips.” Couldn’t’ve put it better myself.
I liked Ino’s experience and the effect of that whole bit.
Whoa, wait, I thought the ninjutsu part of Naruto was gone. Why suddenly the clones?
Oh, so that’s why Sasuke’s so irritable. Being kept in unmarred condition. . . . I dunno, I thought that was a bluff when he said he’d give up his body for revenge; I mean, maybe he would, but only if he was guaranteed it would work--and Orochimaru’s questionable in the matter. . . . I honestly don’t think Sasuke would try to kill Naruto, or that Naruto would mean so little to him now; in my opinion, the bond didn’t disintegrate like your story suggests (maybe I’m wrong or using a bad analogy), but he only pushed it aside until he can get his revenge business out of the way. That’s my two-cents worth. But what you suggests seems to work for your story, so never mind. -_-' I do like the complexity of Sasuke’s thoughts.
That line made me laugh: 'And he’s still short.’ XD
After reading more of this scene, maybe I spoke too soon in the earlier paragraph.
I liked Kabuto’s interruption of Sasuke’s thoughts. And then . . . XD “Something was seriously wrong. Or at least something was going to seriously piss off Sasuke.”
That last bit sure got my attention. Aside from that, I’m worried about Ino.
Hee, “but he had always been loyal and good in a fight.” It was Kiba’s perception, so the word “loyal” stuck out at me. . . . Sakura’s hints were good, too.
The whole commotion scene was nicely constructed.
PERFECT. “Allowed a wide but empty smile stretch his lips.” Couldn’t’ve put it better myself.
I liked Ino’s experience and the effect of that whole bit.
Whoa, wait, I thought the ninjutsu part of Naruto was gone. Why suddenly the clones?
Oh, so that’s why Sasuke’s so irritable. Being kept in unmarred condition. . . . I dunno, I thought that was a bluff when he said he’d give up his body for revenge; I mean, maybe he would, but only if he was guaranteed it would work--and Orochimaru’s questionable in the matter. . . . I honestly don’t think Sasuke would try to kill Naruto, or that Naruto would mean so little to him now; in my opinion, the bond didn’t disintegrate like your story suggests (maybe I’m wrong or using a bad analogy), but he only pushed it aside until he can get his revenge business out of the way. That’s my two-cents worth. But what you suggests seems to work for your story, so never mind. -_-' I do like the complexity of Sasuke’s thoughts.
That line made me laugh: 'And he’s still short.’ XD
After reading more of this scene, maybe I spoke too soon in the earlier paragraph.
I liked Kabuto’s interruption of Sasuke’s thoughts. And then . . . XD “Something was seriously wrong. Or at least something was going to seriously piss off Sasuke.”
That last bit sure got my attention. Aside from that, I’m worried about Ino.
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December 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 5: Oooooh, Sasuke’s rage . . . luvit! . . . Flickered green? Wha--? Oh, does that mean blue + yellow? Hmmm. . . .
Oh, I like the distinction between transfer and transfer safely. That makes a lot of sense. You are very observant; I like that in an author. ^_~
I dunno, Orochimaru, “beck and call?” You sure about that?? (He’s arrogant and out-of-date! XD)
Nice dream-turned-nightmare scene. It’s harder to craft dream-scenes than some might think. You did it well.
A little suggestion . . . “Sorry, but my idea of revenge isn’t watching my brother die of old age while he hops around to other bodies!” I suggest italicizing he, so that we know Sasuke’s talking about Orochimaru and not Itachi when he says it.
I liked the extra-short scene of Kabuto’s observation. One of my favorite novelists does that sometimes and I’ve always liked it.
Good mental-Naruto scene. I like the ending line. I hope he regains control! >__<
Ino’s testimony was amazing. I liked Sai’s words and tones, how they were in harmony and then in contrast.
(By the way, if all my reviews so far seem like I’ve been kissing up to your story, trust me, I’m not. I just haven’t found much wrong with it besides a few typos here and there, and they’re so few that I don’t think they’re worth mentioning.)
Oh, I like the distinction between transfer and transfer safely. That makes a lot of sense. You are very observant; I like that in an author. ^_~
I dunno, Orochimaru, “beck and call?” You sure about that?? (He’s arrogant and out-of-date! XD)
Nice dream-turned-nightmare scene. It’s harder to craft dream-scenes than some might think. You did it well.
A little suggestion . . . “Sorry, but my idea of revenge isn’t watching my brother die of old age while he hops around to other bodies!” I suggest italicizing he, so that we know Sasuke’s talking about Orochimaru and not Itachi when he says it.
I liked the extra-short scene of Kabuto’s observation. One of my favorite novelists does that sometimes and I’ve always liked it.
Good mental-Naruto scene. I like the ending line. I hope he regains control! >__<
Ino’s testimony was amazing. I liked Sai’s words and tones, how they were in harmony and then in contrast.
(By the way, if all my reviews so far seem like I’ve been kissing up to your story, trust me, I’m not. I just haven’t found much wrong with it besides a few typos here and there, and they’re so few that I don’t think they’re worth mentioning.)
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December 5, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OH My God!
You are such an excellent writer!
You should check out www.deviantart.com
If you posted your story on there you'd get alot of fans.
You have amazing talent, are you an author? Cause if not, you should be.
You are such an excellent writer!
You should check out www.deviantart.com
If you posted your story on there you'd get alot of fans.
You have amazing talent, are you an author? Cause if not, you should be.
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December 5, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I thoroughly enjoyed your story, the well-developed plot-line, the wonderfully descriptive lemons and the amazing evolution of the emotions both Sasuke and Naruto display. I spent many sleepless mights finishing your story and loved it the whole time. Anyway I just wanted to let you know that apart fro a very minor spelling errors, your story is one of the best ones i've read on AFN. Hope you have a good holiday and I waited, albeit impatiently for the Sequel!
~ =^.*=
~ =^.*=
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December 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I just read "Not My Lover". I thought that was a great story. I hope you're not going to do something similar to that w/ the sequel. I can't stand Sasuke w/ Sakura. I hope you let us know in advance if you do because I think I'll just let the story end w/ "The Sound of Dreams". Because if I read a SasuSaku lemon, it'll stick in my head & destroy the whole story for me. Harsh I know but I can't help it.
Oh by the way, I'm back because I just wanted to read a couple of my favorite chapters again. It took a while to find those chapters but it was worth it.
Oh by the way, I'm back because I just wanted to read a couple of my favorite chapters again. It took a while to find those chapters but it was worth it.
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December 1, 2007 at 12:00 AM
ok, NOW i can finally post a response. I just had to read the whole thing before responding. not to be a suck up or anything, but this is an NaruSasu CLASSIC and ranks right up with Downward Spiral by Becca Ammon. this was just totally amazing. you were consistent with the characters all the way through, you didn't get bogged down in details but kept the pace perfect, and even had a bittersweet ending. Absolutely PERFECT!
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Thank you so much for sharing this!