schedule
November 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
^o^ You caught my attention. Seems like it'll have a good story line. I'm excited to see what awaits Naruto.
schedule
November 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
droooll hehehe i cant wait for the next chap :)
schedule
November 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
O wow I love the way you described naruto. Lol ^^ I love naruto so much. Trust me when you were describing him, Hell I was Drooling.............and..........(blush)........and maybe a little.....
'blushing like a ripe tomato'
(glare)a little lusting.......
'lie'
....Ok, ok......maybe I was lusting.....a lot...
'if she turns more red she will explode, like a volcano'.
Shut up you stupid mind of mine your suppose to be on my side...
'O well'
....Well I blame the author.....I mean if they didn't make naruto so....so........
'blushing.....again'
so damn hot.......
'god she's day dreaming'
no I'm not..
'ya sure your not'
Anyway.......back to the story (you ass).
'You do realizes your not only getting mad at yourself, but your also talking To yourself.....'
So ass long as I don't start answer myself, then I don't see the problem....
-_-.......'but you are answering yourself......'
O ya your right. ^^ Lol
'idiot'
Shut up. Besides I actually, I prefer the term mentally insane then to retarded..(huh).
'ya ok whatever you say'
Anyway I just wonted to say great story really I am so loving it. LOL ^_^ and as for sasuke? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lol I cant wait to see what he does to naruto. ^^ yaoi!! ha ha And I wonder when gaara terns up. Ha ha ha ass well as what he says and thinks about sasuke coming on to HIS naruto! Lol (squeals) I can't wait. ^^ you must update soon ok. Update, update, update. Please update soon. Ha ha I can't wait. anyway hope to see you
soon.......O say bye mind
'what? why? this does not involve me’
cause I said so. now say bye
'fine whatever. Um ya Latter. and um see you soon I guess'
Yay lol bye-bye
Kisses ^_~
'blushing like a ripe tomato'
(glare)a little lusting.......
'lie'
....Ok, ok......maybe I was lusting.....a lot...
'if she turns more red she will explode, like a volcano'.
Shut up you stupid mind of mine your suppose to be on my side...
'O well'
....Well I blame the author.....I mean if they didn't make naruto so....so........
'blushing.....again'
so damn hot.......
'god she's day dreaming'
no I'm not..
'ya sure your not'
Anyway.......back to the story (you ass).
'You do realizes your not only getting mad at yourself, but your also talking To yourself.....'
So ass long as I don't start answer myself, then I don't see the problem....
-_-.......'but you are answering yourself......'
O ya your right. ^^ Lol
'idiot'
Shut up. Besides I actually, I prefer the term mentally insane then to retarded..(huh).
'ya ok whatever you say'
Anyway I just wonted to say great story really I am so loving it. LOL ^_^ and as for sasuke? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Lol I cant wait to see what he does to naruto. ^^ yaoi!! ha ha And I wonder when gaara terns up. Ha ha ha ass well as what he says and thinks about sasuke coming on to HIS naruto! Lol (squeals) I can't wait. ^^ you must update soon ok. Update, update, update. Please update soon. Ha ha I can't wait. anyway hope to see you
soon.......O say bye mind
'what? why? this does not involve me’
cause I said so. now say bye
'fine whatever. Um ya Latter. and um see you soon I guess'
Yay lol bye-bye
Kisses ^_~
schedule
November 12, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Loved this chapter, great starting point, can't wait for the next chapter. Curious about how Naruto nearlly died. Anyway, please update soon, so wanna know what happens next.
schedule
November 11, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Alright, I like the way you portrayed Naruto. I prefer him to be older and more mature as opposed to ridiculously obnoxious and oblivious.
However, in the interest of constructive criticism, I do have a few suggestions. First of all, you need to work on your punctuation, particularly in regards to the use of the comma. You have a lot of run-on sentences that become confusing. I would say that you either need to break the sentences down to simpler forms or you need to put commas in there from time to time.
Secondly, your grammar could use a bit of work. Writers don’t usually realize how important grammar is, but the reality of the situation is that if you want your readers to be able to understand your writing, you need to have good grammar.
Now, if you aren’t the best at grammar than that’s fine. All that means is that you need a beta reader, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you know of someone that can beta your work for you then I highly suggest you ask them to do it. However if you don’t know anyone there is a beta sub-category where you can post a request. If you’d like I could even beta a chapter or two for you. Regardless though, I would say to continue this fic. It’s interesting and I’d like to see where you take it. My best wishes for you and your writing.
Dryad1789@hotmail.com
However, in the interest of constructive criticism, I do have a few suggestions. First of all, you need to work on your punctuation, particularly in regards to the use of the comma. You have a lot of run-on sentences that become confusing. I would say that you either need to break the sentences down to simpler forms or you need to put commas in there from time to time.
Secondly, your grammar could use a bit of work. Writers don’t usually realize how important grammar is, but the reality of the situation is that if you want your readers to be able to understand your writing, you need to have good grammar.
Now, if you aren’t the best at grammar than that’s fine. All that means is that you need a beta reader, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you know of someone that can beta your work for you then I highly suggest you ask them to do it. However if you don’t know anyone there is a beta sub-category where you can post a request. If you’d like I could even beta a chapter or two for you. Regardless though, I would say to continue this fic. It’s interesting and I’d like to see where you take it. My best wishes for you and your writing.
Dryad1789@hotmail.com