rate_review Reviews

Hmm< I see you changed the first chapter. It wasn't really necessary, but it does emphasis Ryuu's needfor Lee more. I'm guessing Lee choose gaara though. Hmm I'm not sure if you want to make him part demon, or part spirit. That's up to you. However, it looks like you've introduced them into the world.
I guess by making hInata one as well, you normalized it. The actions are happening quickly here. I wouls have liked to have seen Knakuro and Ryuu experience at least soem sexual tension. Show don't tell. Please don't tihnk I'm a bitch hun, I justl iek to be honest in my review.
It's a curious chapter and your characters unwillingness to let go of Lee is realistic after an enmotional break up. I hope to see more chapters. Ciao.

Is Ryuu a bog or a girl, because you just called him Gai's daughter and yet you sopeak of his chiseled chest.
Be careful with the noun and pronoun confusion.
It looks interesting, be sure to give your character flaws though. Don't make him too much of a smart ass genius. There are such things as Gary Stu. he's still new to the story, so i don't know enoguh to say he is one. Just be careful.
This has got me interested, that's why I'm beign critical. I would like to continue reading this, and i hope to readm ore soon.

No, no--I agree with you.

I was trying so damn hard not to make this look like a self-insert that I ultimately ruined it in the process--I'm a very over-apologetic, gentle person, and a total Uke. ...I guess I was making Ryuu look too much like my dream guy. ^^;

It's edited now. Thank god...