schedule
September 5, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Interesting premise. In the description you should metion it's gaa/hina. The pairing has a lot of fans (including myself) and I would have been more likely to click on it if I had known it was gaa/hina.
I'm thinking English is not your first language - there's something about your word choice, cadence, and wording actually that reminds me of my Danish cousins. If English isn't your first language, I'm more forgiving - you've made a number of small errors in spelling and grammar. All in all they aren't too bad, but you could benefit from a proofreader who has a strength in that area.
There's one pet peeve of mine that I must bring up. Males do not go into heat, females do. Males go into rut. So Gaara should say that he's in rut, not that he's in heat.
Also, it seems that Hinata is at least somewhat tempted by the idea of having sex with Gaara - the thoughts of hers that you show us demonstrate that, as does the fact that she hasn't tried to call for help or attack him. Gaara could probably turn her on with a little more kissing and touching, and then he'd probably overcome most of her reluctance. She's open to the idea at least, some foreplay would get her started. Seriously, foreplay is good. It's also hot to read.
Keep writing this. In the immortal words of 4Chan - MOAR!
I'm thinking English is not your first language - there's something about your word choice, cadence, and wording actually that reminds me of my Danish cousins. If English isn't your first language, I'm more forgiving - you've made a number of small errors in spelling and grammar. All in all they aren't too bad, but you could benefit from a proofreader who has a strength in that area.
There's one pet peeve of mine that I must bring up. Males do not go into heat, females do. Males go into rut. So Gaara should say that he's in rut, not that he's in heat.
Also, it seems that Hinata is at least somewhat tempted by the idea of having sex with Gaara - the thoughts of hers that you show us demonstrate that, as does the fact that she hasn't tried to call for help or attack him. Gaara could probably turn her on with a little more kissing and touching, and then he'd probably overcome most of her reluctance. She's open to the idea at least, some foreplay would get her started. Seriously, foreplay is good. It's also hot to read.
Keep writing this. In the immortal words of 4Chan - MOAR!
schedule
March 16, 2009 at 12:00 AM
oh my god! i laughed my ass off reading this! hope you are still working on it! thanks!
schedule
November 22, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hahahahah! I love this one too!
"Hey! It's the one that changes flavors. Nice"
I was laughing prrreetty loud at one =D
Continue the great work >.>
Nellysan
"Hey! It's the one that changes flavors. Nice"
I was laughing prrreetty loud at one =D
Continue the great work >.>
Nellysan
schedule
November 19, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Keke, I wonder how long Hinata's henge will last. I wonder if Anko will join them. She might be able to put the dildo away then. No need for that now. I don't know how realistic it is for Hinata to be "horny." However, they say you always have to look out for the quiet ones. This story appeals to my hentai side, continue please.