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December 27, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Wow still quick as ever i was in the middle of 16 when 17 popped up. ok hinatas story is great, not only does it make perfect plot and when neji finds out DAMN gonna be good
~Dim Song ( ur biggest fan)
~Dim Song ( ur biggest fan)
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December 27, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Wow, what you did with Neji and Hinata was a real shocker. Wow, my eyes nearly feel out of each part. Still you handled it real well. Why exactly is Neji mad at Hinata? Why is Hinata no longer a part of her family?
I hope she will be okay, gah why did she have to go back! I want more! of course, seeing the update speed, I really don't have to wait that long do I? Maybe you should do that Nanowrimo shitzit, write one novel in a month.
Thanks for the story.
I hope she will be okay, gah why did she have to go back! I want more! of course, seeing the update speed, I really don't have to wait that long do I? Maybe you should do that Nanowrimo shitzit, write one novel in a month.
Thanks for the story.
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December 26, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Well, I'm reading the story for the Nar/Hin part, so you might already guess that for me the story is missing something. :D
Yeah well, anyway, this is not meant to rush you, more like my way to tell you I might not be the best judge on the story so far. I still like the story, especially Naruto ruffling Neji's feathers, which I guess might not happen that often after chapter 10. T_T
Anyway, just keep going. ^^
Yeah well, anyway, this is not meant to rush you, more like my way to tell you I might not be the best judge on the story so far. I still like the story, especially Naruto ruffling Neji's feathers, which I guess might not happen that often after chapter 10. T_T
Anyway, just keep going. ^^
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December 26, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I have to admit I was a bit wierded out by the rape scene. I kind of wished Naruto had jumped in sooner, like when he saw the guy pull out his thing. But that's like chapter two. Chapter three and on are pretty strong. I'm curious as to why Hinata was wearing the same clothes as that day, only two days after? How exactly did she get stuck in that mess in the first place.
Neji and Sasuke are a hot item, I like the sexual tension and the mysterious issue driving them apart. I also like that you're exploring more than the pervy side of Naruto. I know I said show don't tell, but also explore. That means to look at your character and how he affects others. That was done greatly by the whole brother thing with him and Sasuke.
Also, what happened to the guysy who assaulted Hinata and Naruto before, where are the police and the investigators. I would imagine Hinata alerted secuirty as to what happened and what could be happening, why else did the gaurd suddenly show up there?
You have a lot of material you can cover with this story. Don't be afraid to explore the angst, drama and conflict.
Have fun, writing. I'll keep reading!
Angst
Neji and Sasuke are a hot item, I like the sexual tension and the mysterious issue driving them apart. I also like that you're exploring more than the pervy side of Naruto. I know I said show don't tell, but also explore. That means to look at your character and how he affects others. That was done greatly by the whole brother thing with him and Sasuke.
Also, what happened to the guysy who assaulted Hinata and Naruto before, where are the police and the investigators. I would imagine Hinata alerted secuirty as to what happened and what could be happening, why else did the gaurd suddenly show up there?
You have a lot of material you can cover with this story. Don't be afraid to explore the angst, drama and conflict.
Have fun, writing. I'll keep reading!
Angst
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December 26, 2006 at 12:00 AM
cool keep up the good work. This is one of the few storys im fallowing update by update becuase its that good
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December 25, 2006 at 12:00 AM
nice hoping for more nar/hina plz keep it up
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December 23, 2006 at 12:00 AM
So far, so good. Nice introduction. Looking at the summary and first chapter I'm very curious to see what happens in this story, it looks interesting.
One thing, show don't tell. don't tell us Naruto is a pervert after Jiraiya's heart, but show us. Perhaps he has a collection of Jiraiya's smut or playboys that he snuck into his suitcase.
Try to have the characters act out a behavioral trait, don't just tell us their trait. If someone is stuffy and boring you can have them talk in a monotone vopice with a blank face. Okay, I hope my review will be helpful to you.
Please continue.
One thing, show don't tell. don't tell us Naruto is a pervert after Jiraiya's heart, but show us. Perhaps he has a collection of Jiraiya's smut or playboys that he snuck into his suitcase.
Try to have the characters act out a behavioral trait, don't just tell us their trait. If someone is stuffy and boring you can have them talk in a monotone vopice with a blank face. Okay, I hope my review will be helpful to you.
Please continue.