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June 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 2: So this continues right after the first chapter? . . . . O.O Naruto knows that Sasuke goes to the gay bar from time to time! That’s interesting. This is the first fic I’ve read where I’ve seen something like that. . . . Really. So that’s how Sasuke came out of the closet (or leapt out, I should say). I’d like to see that scene sometime. =D . . . . I liked Sasuke’s thought: “Maybe I should tell him . . . o-or maybe tomorrow. Yeah, or this weekend. . . .” Makes sense. . . . Teehee, Naruto’s just waiting outside the gay bar? (*giggles*) That must be a little awkward. ^^ . . . . Is Yuki going to put in another appearance later? It’d be interesting if he got a crush on Sasuke. . . . Soooo, Naruto took the job? I’m a little confused here. . . . Heh. Sasuke forgot about telling Naruto that he liked him.
Lemme guess: Yuki tells Naruto. Second guess is Shikamaru.
Lemme guess: Yuki tells Naruto. Second guess is Shikamaru.
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June 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 3: (*snort*) He recommends the poster, then burns it. Make up your mind, Sasuke!
At the bar again. . . .
Wait. Did Sasuke get the time mixed up or something? It said earlier that he left his home around 5:21 “even though the party didn’t start for a few more hours.” Now it’s just a little over a half-hour later, and the party’s starting without him. What the heck. õ.ô
Uh-oh. What’s going on? . . . . Oh, I see. (*sigh*) ‘Scuse the criticism, but it was a little too coincidental if you ask me. Sorry.
How badly did Sasuke hurt those guys? . . . . I wonder if Naruto’s just overwhelmed and he can’t think too much about it right now, or if he just doesn’t feel that way towards Sasuke?
At the bar again. . . .
Wait. Did Sasuke get the time mixed up or something? It said earlier that he left his home around 5:21 “even though the party didn’t start for a few more hours.” Now it’s just a little over a half-hour later, and the party’s starting without him. What the heck. õ.ô
Uh-oh. What’s going on? . . . . Oh, I see. (*sigh*) ‘Scuse the criticism, but it was a little too coincidental if you ask me. Sorry.
How badly did Sasuke hurt those guys? . . . . I wonder if Naruto’s just overwhelmed and he can’t think too much about it right now, or if he just doesn’t feel that way towards Sasuke?
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June 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 4: (*reads the title*) Oh my . . . that’s a must-see. *__*
For three months? Wow. Dedicated. But then again, I’m not that surprised. After all, Sasuke spent years going after Itachi, hadn’t he? . . . . You should’ve had a different title. Just call it “The Plan” or something. Cuz now, there’s no suspense; we all know what Sasuke’s practicing at. . . . “After the seven months he FINALLY got the hang of it [. . .]” It took him that long? (*boggles*) Slow, isn’t he?
How many people have seen Sasuke in that form, I wonder?
For three months? Wow. Dedicated. But then again, I’m not that surprised. After all, Sasuke spent years going after Itachi, hadn’t he? . . . . You should’ve had a different title. Just call it “The Plan” or something. Cuz now, there’s no suspense; we all know what Sasuke’s practicing at. . . . “After the seven months he FINALLY got the hang of it [. . .]” It took him that long? (*boggles*) Slow, isn’t he?
How many people have seen Sasuke in that form, I wonder?
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June 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 5: Interesting title.
“Kanami.” That’s pretty. But “Thanks to her quick thinking . . .” Where the hell was that “quick thinking” when you were practicing the jutsu, Kanami? Hm? It took a genius like you seven months to do it. I doubt it took Naruto that long to invent and perfect it.
Well, we know that Sasuke made that name up on the spot, so naturally no one would know who that was. Then again, if Naruto had asked, “Who’s that babe outside?” I wonder what the answer would’ve been.
(*snort*) Now Naruto’s questioning his sexuality. But this answers my question: No one (or not many people, anyway) have seen Sasuke in that form. . . . And Naruto doesn’t ask how she knows who he is? He just says yes?
So now Naruto knows or at least suspects who Kanami really is.
That scene was cute. But . . . does Naruto know or not?
Oh, I’m sorry about your guinea-pig.
This story is a little erratic, but it’s cute.
“Kanami.” That’s pretty. But “Thanks to her quick thinking . . .” Where the hell was that “quick thinking” when you were practicing the jutsu, Kanami? Hm? It took a genius like you seven months to do it. I doubt it took Naruto that long to invent and perfect it.
Well, we know that Sasuke made that name up on the spot, so naturally no one would know who that was. Then again, if Naruto had asked, “Who’s that babe outside?” I wonder what the answer would’ve been.
(*snort*) Now Naruto’s questioning his sexuality. But this answers my question: No one (or not many people, anyway) have seen Sasuke in that form. . . . And Naruto doesn’t ask how she knows who he is? He just says yes?
So now Naruto knows or at least suspects who Kanami really is.
That scene was cute. But . . . does Naruto know or not?
Oh, I’m sorry about your guinea-pig.
This story is a little erratic, but it’s cute.
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December 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
weird ending to this chappie, but me likie ^^
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November 1, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Grate chapter!!!! I'm so happy that you are back and writing again. I can’t wait to read the next chapter so please keep on writing and UPDATE SOON.
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November 1, 2007 at 12:00 AM
that was a good chapter what goin to happend next and who punch naruto? can't waite for the next chapter plez continue
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November 1, 2007 at 12:00 AM
WOW! Thank you... It's easy and interesting story! =)
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October 2, 2007 at 12:00 AM
what goin to happened plezz continue
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July 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
First off, you desperately need a beta. If you can't find one, at least read over what you've written to see if it makes sense. You jump from future tense to present tense. You need to change things like She jumps up; in chapter 10 to She jumped up. Another example is this part right here
Both Guards took hold of Naruto arms and shoulders, pushing him out of her offices. Naruto looks back at her as they walked down the hall to the cell.
Should be
Both guards took hold of Naruto's arms and shoulders, pushing him out of her office. Naruto looked back at her as they walked down the hall to the cell.
There are quite a few omitted words throughout the entire story and the jump back one year to a meaningless mission only to jump forward five times to land back at the present. It just could have been done better in general if you wanted to show what Naruto went through over his meaningless one year mission
It also doesn't make sense that after a supposed night of sex with Naruto that 'Kanami' would pass out and Naruto would put her unconscious body in a CHAIR instead of on a bed.
This really, really needs a lot of work. Read it over, DO it over. Find someone to beta and fast.
Both Guards took hold of Naruto arms and shoulders, pushing him out of her offices. Naruto looks back at her as they walked down the hall to the cell.
Should be
Both guards took hold of Naruto's arms and shoulders, pushing him out of her office. Naruto looked back at her as they walked down the hall to the cell.
There are quite a few omitted words throughout the entire story and the jump back one year to a meaningless mission only to jump forward five times to land back at the present. It just could have been done better in general if you wanted to show what Naruto went through over his meaningless one year mission
It also doesn't make sense that after a supposed night of sex with Naruto that 'Kanami' would pass out and Naruto would put her unconscious body in a CHAIR instead of on a bed.
This really, really needs a lot of work. Read it over, DO it over. Find someone to beta and fast.