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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Aaaww, I LOVE Kiba... that last bit was the sweetest. I am Delighted, with this story, you have no idea. And when Sasuke said that if this was a joke the boy was going to need an ambulance, Fabulous, PERFECT, so true. Thank you soo much for sharing, I'm a little sad it'll be so short, but hey, I'll take what I can get and be nothing but grateful. You should look into writing a long AU, (When you're done SoD of course) is there anything I can do to persuade you to go for it? Anything at all?? Just say the word.
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
ROFL
I have never ever laughed so hard in my life!!! That had to be the best and worst phone monologue I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing barring few! Great start! Gods! I am still laughing! it was hot... and cool... and it was obvious he was picturing Sasuke more than halfway there! LOL... T.T So incredibly cool! Talk about karma! Cant wait to read the next chapter!!!
I have never ever laughed so hard in my life!!! That had to be the best and worst phone monologue I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing barring few! Great start! Gods! I am still laughing! it was hot... and cool... and it was obvious he was picturing Sasuke more than halfway there! LOL... T.T So incredibly cool! Talk about karma! Cant wait to read the next chapter!!!
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
please sasuke, be interested... please autor, be good and update soon... dont follow my example... cats are very fickle... but you... you will update quickly...such a great idea!!! I was laughing and sad and curious all at the same time...n yah!! I want to know what's next... pretty please???
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I hope you are making this multi-chapter fiction because that was really, really good and I can't wait to read the next chapter!
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Hahahahaha, Kiba is one sly dude. LMAO! Anyway I'll read the next chapter as soon as I stop giggling and rolling around the floor. :DD
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Oh my what's next?
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
damn! i want more! more more more!! please hurry, this is really good!!~
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
kyaa i love this! (knowing how i love your writing, i'm not that surprised :p) ooh kiba was so sneaky! i love how naruto kept having to try to force himself to think of sakura while he was on the phone. and then sasuke's own reactions afterwards made me giggle. i especially loved: If Uzumaki was currently entertaining thoughts of shoving his endowment up Sasuke’s ass, then perhaps he should be concerned with the size.
heheh, indeed, sasuke...
oh yeah, and the line about his cock pouting at the thought of sakura lol
and when sasuke overheard naruto and kiba in the locker room, i was holding my breath too! i'm glad he got to find out more about what was going on that way, before he ended up blowing up at naruto about it being a joke or not.. and i can't wait to read the next two chapters!!
heheh, indeed, sasuke...
oh yeah, and the line about his cock pouting at the thought of sakura lol
and when sasuke overheard naruto and kiba in the locker room, i was holding my breath too! i'm glad he got to find out more about what was going on that way, before he ended up blowing up at naruto about it being a joke or not.. and i can't wait to read the next two chapters!!
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January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
What to say? What to say? I like it--a lot. Your writing is just so lively and captivating and really draws me in.
I can offer some constructive criticism, I suppose. I thought that Sasuke's back story felt a little forced. Actually the whole first scene felt forced. It wasn't as lively as the first chapter or the second half of this chapter. The build up of Sasuke's emotions and contemplations pales considerably to Naruto's; he's thinking about a 'certain dream' and 'pale toned abs' while trying to sex up a girl he thinks he likes. That is very poignant and strong. However, Sasuke...I dunno if I can put my finger on it. I know I felt like the transition into Sasuke's viewpoint (and therefore chapter 2) seemed like it was missing something. The beeping and the prerecorded message was good. The reflection on not wanting to go in the shower with him was good, the making of the turkey sandwich was good. I almost wonder if you could take out the back story? Or shorten it? Or portray it with more concrete details? Hmm...I'm not sure exactly. Like I said, I can't quite put my finger on it.
The second half, though, with the eavesdropping, was very good. Wait...I think maybe I've got it. So when you write from Naruto's viewpoint, we get inside his head, we hear him muttering to himself. We know what he's visualizing while he's on the phone. We don't get into Sasuke's head nearly so much. We really don't have a concrete sense of what Sasuke is thinking or what's floating about in that noggin of his. You hint! You do hint. But it's not as thorough as Naruto. It gives me a sense of imbalance between the two...I think you could definitely play around with this chapter...tweak it a bit here and there, add more concrete details, more of Sasuke's inner workings (though no more than you do for Naruto in the first chapter).
Got this fresh from my writing workshop just today:
"Writing is rewriting what you have rewritten." ~Paul Engle
There! An official(ish) critique!
You can update now, yes?
I can offer some constructive criticism, I suppose. I thought that Sasuke's back story felt a little forced. Actually the whole first scene felt forced. It wasn't as lively as the first chapter or the second half of this chapter. The build up of Sasuke's emotions and contemplations pales considerably to Naruto's; he's thinking about a 'certain dream' and 'pale toned abs' while trying to sex up a girl he thinks he likes. That is very poignant and strong. However, Sasuke...I dunno if I can put my finger on it. I know I felt like the transition into Sasuke's viewpoint (and therefore chapter 2) seemed like it was missing something. The beeping and the prerecorded message was good. The reflection on not wanting to go in the shower with him was good, the making of the turkey sandwich was good. I almost wonder if you could take out the back story? Or shorten it? Or portray it with more concrete details? Hmm...I'm not sure exactly. Like I said, I can't quite put my finger on it.
The second half, though, with the eavesdropping, was very good. Wait...I think maybe I've got it. So when you write from Naruto's viewpoint, we get inside his head, we hear him muttering to himself. We know what he's visualizing while he's on the phone. We don't get into Sasuke's head nearly so much. We really don't have a concrete sense of what Sasuke is thinking or what's floating about in that noggin of his. You hint! You do hint. But it's not as thorough as Naruto. It gives me a sense of imbalance between the two...I think you could definitely play around with this chapter...tweak it a bit here and there, add more concrete details, more of Sasuke's inner workings (though no more than you do for Naruto in the first chapter).
Got this fresh from my writing workshop just today:
"Writing is rewriting what you have rewritten." ~Paul Engle
There! An official(ish) critique!
You can update now, yes?
schedule
January 31, 2007 at 12:00 AM
yet another fabulous chapter. i'm really digging this story! keep up the great work!!