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April 16, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I just noticed you spelled Ayame's name wrong. You might want to fix that.
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February 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
nice work man keep it up
schedule
February 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
The only thing that I hate about your story is that your not clear about what is going on between them and different views are thrown in without telling us what is going on. I like the way your making Hinata a lil freak and Naruto finally sees her instead of Sakura. When does this all happen when he comes back from training or what. How does this effect Tenten seeing them having sex
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February 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
So it's interesting really. I started reading the first chapter and was like... wow, things are getting pretty hot and heavy pretty quickly and I sorta kept waiting for you to tell us who was actually like... making out. Very detailed description of two people getting it on, but you sort of left something out... the characters- Descriptions, little kinks to their personality and most of all, description. Naruto has blue eyes, not green. Half the time I was thinking... Gaara?
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February 10, 2007 at 12:00 AM
This was a messed up chapter. You kept switching perspective mid sentence. It's almost impossible to comprehend.
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February 10, 2007 at 12:00 AM
The only thing I didn't like was all the missing details of what is happening. Plus your spelling was a bit terrible. It took away from the reading cuz we would have to think what you meant to put and other than that it was ok but can you fix the mistakes in chap.3??? But you keep up the writing
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February 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
i would have liked knowing that it was hinata in the first chapter. i figured from the summary but i wasn't sure. helps when readin so i can picture it in my mind. good start. it looks like you will have naruto and multiple girls which is great. hope you keep this up and make tenten one of the girls.
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February 7, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Very interesting but the bit with Hinata in the clearing was confusing. It's lik it just jumped around and suddenly they were asleep. You need to flesh out the details more. There's plenty of room for it and longer chapters would be a boon to the story too. Either way, I love harems so i'll throw my two cents. The three that need to be in it are Sakura, Ino, and Hinata. Everyone else is just gravy.
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February 7, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Well, I think you need a beta. It's missing some detail work and grammer, but I like that you're keeping true to the characters. I have'nt betaed in a while, but if you're interested I offically offer my services ;) My e-mail's on my profile if it didn't come thru on the review.
And, by the way if it MUST be harem it should be Sakura and Ino.
Love Ya!
And, by the way if it MUST be harem it should be Sakura and Ino.
Love Ya!
schedule
February 7, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Pairings I like for harem stories include: Narut/Temari, Naruto/Sakura, Naruto/Ayame, and Naruto/Kurenai. On another note, the writing in this chapter seemed a little rushed.