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June 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
so...friggin...hott...O___O.......just speechless.....
~tina-chan
~tina-chan
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June 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Very Hot!
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May 11, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I do like this story. It’s a sweet story, and I like stories about Sasuke coming back to Naruto. But I want to help make it even better with some grammar suggestions.
You could of become stronger here. – Actually the ‘of’ is a ‘have’. It’s a common mistake. If you want to combine could and have, you can write could’ve (which sounds like could of and that’s why people write it).
Naruto hangs his head in defeat. – You changed tense in the middle of a story. Change the ‘hangs’ to hung.
My one wish that is stronger then becoming the Hokage is that, . . . – change the ‘then’ to ‘than’.
Naruto erected a few traps to provide some form of protection as he was mediaitating – Meditating I believe?
Sasuke brushed the hair away from Naruto’s forehead, which seemed to have got shaggier since the last time that they met. – Change the ‘got’ to ‘become’. ‘got’ really isn’t the proper way to express something that has become something else.
‘I can’t believe this is happening that my dobe is doing this and when did he have such a naughty tongue?’ – This sentence needs some punctuation. Possibly in between ‘happening’ and ‘that’. Maybe a period. And then maybe a ‘…’ in-between ‘this’ and … ‘and’. Lol. So it says ‘doing this … and when did he’.
With a desperate kiss Sasuke began to move inside the hot cavern that hold him like a form fitting glove. – Change ‘hold’ to ‘held’.
All this stimulation prove to be to much for Naruto and he with a loud wail white ropes of cum began to erupt from the blonde. – Instead of saying what’s wrong with this sentence I’d change the sentence around just a bit. Say… “All this stimulation proved to be too much for Naruto and, with a loud wail, came as white ropes of cum erupted from his cock.” Or something of that nature. It’ll flow better… and the climax is the climax of your story!
"Is their nothing, I can do to make you stay is it?” -> Is there nothing I can do to make you stay? Or ‘there is nothing I can do to make you stay, is there.” If you pick the second one, don’t use a question mark (?) just make it a statement. The main problem with this sentence was the incorrect use of ‘their, and there’. Their is used for people or some such. “their dog is over there.” And so forth.
‘We might never see each other again but I know just for once you I was yours and I just hope you were mine.’- you’re missing a word between ‘you’ and ‘I’. Maybe you meant to say ‘you knew I was yours’.
Sorry for the huge review, but I think these suggestions would make your story so much better. There all pretty little fixes and on the whole your grammar is good! And I’m glad to hear you have a beta now and that they’re catching these things.
Lookin’ forward to your next chapters!
Jen The Beta.
You could of become stronger here. – Actually the ‘of’ is a ‘have’. It’s a common mistake. If you want to combine could and have, you can write could’ve (which sounds like could of and that’s why people write it).
Naruto hangs his head in defeat. – You changed tense in the middle of a story. Change the ‘hangs’ to hung.
My one wish that is stronger then becoming the Hokage is that, . . . – change the ‘then’ to ‘than’.
Naruto erected a few traps to provide some form of protection as he was mediaitating – Meditating I believe?
Sasuke brushed the hair away from Naruto’s forehead, which seemed to have got shaggier since the last time that they met. – Change the ‘got’ to ‘become’. ‘got’ really isn’t the proper way to express something that has become something else.
‘I can’t believe this is happening that my dobe is doing this and when did he have such a naughty tongue?’ – This sentence needs some punctuation. Possibly in between ‘happening’ and ‘that’. Maybe a period. And then maybe a ‘…’ in-between ‘this’ and … ‘and’. Lol. So it says ‘doing this … and when did he’.
With a desperate kiss Sasuke began to move inside the hot cavern that hold him like a form fitting glove. – Change ‘hold’ to ‘held’.
All this stimulation prove to be to much for Naruto and he with a loud wail white ropes of cum began to erupt from the blonde. – Instead of saying what’s wrong with this sentence I’d change the sentence around just a bit. Say… “All this stimulation proved to be too much for Naruto and, with a loud wail, came as white ropes of cum erupted from his cock.” Or something of that nature. It’ll flow better… and the climax is the climax of your story!
"Is their nothing, I can do to make you stay is it?” -> Is there nothing I can do to make you stay? Or ‘there is nothing I can do to make you stay, is there.” If you pick the second one, don’t use a question mark (?) just make it a statement. The main problem with this sentence was the incorrect use of ‘their, and there’. Their is used for people or some such. “their dog is over there.” And so forth.
‘We might never see each other again but I know just for once you I was yours and I just hope you were mine.’- you’re missing a word between ‘you’ and ‘I’. Maybe you meant to say ‘you knew I was yours’.
Sorry for the huge review, but I think these suggestions would make your story so much better. There all pretty little fixes and on the whole your grammar is good! And I’m glad to hear you have a beta now and that they’re catching these things.
Lookin’ forward to your next chapters!
Jen The Beta.
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May 11, 2007 at 12:00 AM
bittersweet goodness
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April 7, 2007 at 12:00 AM
gyaaa!!!!
i love this!!!!
write more sasunaru lovin!!!!
i love this!!!!
write more sasunaru lovin!!!!
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March 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Jessica, I can't see your email So you gonna have to Email me.
P.S Great story, I just read it again
P.S Great story, I just read it again
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March 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
It's Danie1234@excite.com
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March 4, 2007 at 12:00 AM
This is so surprisingly good. I mean wow! I can't believe that was your first Lemon. Great job. Up date soon.
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March 3, 2007 at 12:00 AM
love it
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March 3, 2007 at 12:00 AM
You did a very nice job for your first lemon. I remember how hard my first lemon was. But, over time, it does get better, trust me.
The only thing I saw wrong was the impossibly long paragraphs. Normally, when fans click the link to your story and see a large paragraph, they run away screaming. Readers are lazy, large paragraphs scare them. Remember that. Also, it's more diffcult to read because your ideas run together.
Other than that, nice job! And, I'll be looking forward to more of your work!
~*~Starry~*~
The only thing I saw wrong was the impossibly long paragraphs. Normally, when fans click the link to your story and see a large paragraph, they run away screaming. Readers are lazy, large paragraphs scare them. Remember that. Also, it's more diffcult to read because your ideas run together.
Other than that, nice job! And, I'll be looking forward to more of your work!
~*~Starry~*~