rate_review Reviews

OKAY I AM GOING TO DIE BEFORE YOU UPDATE!

I can't wait a week. I'll cry. I'll die . . . but I'll make sure to come back once you update :D

Also if you have an update list, a list of people you email when you update, then could you please add me to it.

Can't wait to read more, No seriously I can't!

:)

First of all, I was curious to see how this story would progress because regardless of the fact that the title was spelled incorrectly, the summary looked promising. However, I must say that I am sorely disappointed in the progress and the direction of this story.

The idea behind it is interesting, and I really think that if it was done in a much more fashion, it would be pulled off. However, your story is not presenting itself in a legible fashion. Yes, it is written in easy to understand English, yes it’s presented in story format, and yes, for the most part the story is spelled correctly. But there are a lot of gaps and holes that need filling in. There is a lot of work that needs to be done on this story to make it much better than what it is.

My first suggestion would be to work on the formatting. When you have somebody speaking, make it a new paragraph. It’s easier to follow if the speaker’s are differentiated between. It makes it easier for the reader to be able to tell when there’s somebody different speaking. It makes it easier on our eyes, we’re not working so hard on trying to read the story. The paragraph breaks provide a much needed reprieve for our eyes.

My second suggestion would be to try not to use so many shortened words. Spell a word out. Not only does it make the story look and flow better, it helps to prove your intelligence. Using shortened words, abbreviations when they aren’t necessary, and numbers instead of words, makes it look like you’re too lazy to attempt to try to put some effort into the writing of the story, you know what I mean?

Now, I know this is a lot of criticism, but it’s something I would recommend taking to heart. You have the potential to write a decent story, you just have to put some effort into it. You need to find a beta reader; a beta would benefit you greatly. I would recommend finding somebody who would help you learn the mistakes and what you can do to make them better.

Good luck.

~hanyou-elf

thanks for the comments in the author's note. it's nice to know that my habit of asking questions isn't bothering. did the leader of the other gang have a previous connection with oochimaru. is it sorta based on how oochimaru was part of "the dawn people" (you know itachi and kisime group). sorry i am always so horrible with spelling. where he might have had secret dealings with them in the past when naruto's father was alive. or maybe even leaked some information to thm so that techincally he had nothing to do with it. what about itachi is he connected to the other gang at all. since you made him start a business in another country is this really a front for the other gang run by the leader. what about the leader's ordered hit on naruto will sasuke be hurt instead of him and this is how he finds out about naruto's past. i also like that after you had naruto stand up to oochimaru you also gave a bit more sexual confidence. i am not one who believes in rushing the story for sex scenes so i liked that you interupted them. thanks for the update and hope you sleep til 5pm.

I seriously believed you there and I should know better!!!

have a wonderful time on your vacation. i hope you make a whole bunch of wonderful memories and come back refreshed. after all isn't that what vacations are for no matter how long. as you know i am going to have some questions might as well get them out of the way. because i feel really stupid for asking this are you going to have oochimaru interfering in sasuke andd naruto's relationship. is he going to be the one to tell sasuke before naruto has a chance. since oochimaru wants naruto because of his connections why is he so pressed to have an opportunity to see naruto. does he have deeper feelings for him then i thought or is it a control thing. is neiji going to be one of the people that oochimaru is going to use (only because he gives the impression that he will do anything to get naruto) and oochimaru would exploit the weak people around naruto. since gaara finallyshowed up is he going to have feelings of love or friendship for naruto. if friendship will it be the overprotective type that will interfer or will it be the type to help when things eventually start to fall apart. by the way i really like how you had naruto stand up to oochimaru for my first time seeing them interact in the story. he was to me totally how i would expect naruto to act in that type of situation if you know what i mean. thanks and can't wait til the next update.

i never expected anything to happen to momo ( sorry i can't remeber how to spell his name) that was an unexpected turn. but i can see how yo would use that so naruto has to have a reason to interact with oochamaru. you know i have questions so here goes:are you going to have oochamaru have only a thing for naruto or is he going to want sasuke as well. is itachi going to visit and are you going to have him be a help or a hinderance. is iruka in this fic and will he be part of the "family". that's all for now thanks for the update and can't wait til the next one.

One thing I know you're Not and that is boring:) Read you later!

wow two great chapters. i like how you used the filler to show more of haku's and momo (you know i can't spell his name)dependance on each other. will you continue to show more glimpses about their past and relationship as the story progresses. i can't wait to see how sasuke isgoing to react to all the lies that naruto is telling him. what about oochamaru is he going to do something to naruto that makes him tell sasuke about his uncle and the family or will more things have to happen first. thanks for the quick update and can't wait for the next one.

aaa the suspence is killing me i love it and this chapter just leaves you wondering if naruto will call in sauska or face his uncle alone eee i just cant wait keep up the good work ... p.s. i enjoy how this story portrays male/male in a very classy and pastionet way

omg i love this story it is very well developed story line and it is so romantic even with the violance i cant wait to read the rest keep up the good work