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schedule
November 3, 2014 at 12:00 AM
an interesting story, some things felt a little rushed.
for the size of the first chapter, I think that Naruto and Hinata went from first date to sex really fast, the sex itself also felt really rushed.
over all I think it was a good start to a story that had some potential, just needs more work.
for the size of the first chapter, I think that Naruto and Hinata went from first date to sex really fast, the sex itself also felt really rushed.
over all I think it was a good start to a story that had some potential, just needs more work.
schedule
February 6, 2011 at 12:00 AM
im not sure what people are having a problem with, it wasnt a bad story at all, a bit slow paced but thats not always a bad thing, i personally like faster stories but the way this one was done kept me in it
your take on hinita felt very much like her same with naruto, could have used more moments of the other characters
other than that i liked it ...... now he just needs to knock her up ^_-
your take on hinita felt very much like her same with naruto, could have used more moments of the other characters
other than that i liked it ...... now he just needs to knock her up ^_-
schedule
June 3, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Yo,thought I'd inform you.
The clit is not the whole damn pussy,its a *Holds fingers apart about a third of a centimeter*wee little thing at the top under the clitoral hood.\
all in all,8.7/10
the whole clit thing annoyed me.
The clit is not the whole damn pussy,its a *Holds fingers apart about a third of a centimeter*wee little thing at the top under the clitoral hood.\
all in all,8.7/10
the whole clit thing annoyed me.
schedule
March 9, 2008 at 12:00 AM
wut i like it but i think the hole sex on frist date a little weird but other that its good ^^
schedule
February 13, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Why so aggressive? Is it really necessary to get hostile simply because of other's opinions?
schedule
December 26, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Since this is your first story I'll go easy on you.
The plot behind the story is the same as any other Naru/Hin fic and there really isn't a way to change that but the introduction of their relationship was kind of sudden. One second Naruto doesn't even notice Hinata and the next he's agreeing to be her boyfriend. This would be ok if it was a one-shot, but it isn't and unless there is going to be some type of betrayal later(ie. Naruto admits that he is only going out with Hinata to get a better chance with Sakura, though I doubt this will happen based on the title.) it doesn't make much sense.
Spelling and grammer are a big thing for me personally, and lack of it is one of my pet peeves. The best solution to fix this is type it up in Word or something similar and use spell check, then read over it or have a friend(online or in real life) do it for you so as to find any homophones that don't belong were they are. If you can't find anyone, I'll gladly do this for you if time permits me to.
Another thing is to give a warning if you're going to have characters out of character. Other people have pointed this out already so I'm not going to elaborate on it.
Finally, don't give up writing. This is your first fic so there are going to be a lot of mistakes and errors. Learn from them and improve your writing. I've seen people write stories that were written worse than your's but still went on to become better and got up to those 15+ chapter fics. Good luck and I'll watch to see where this fic goes.
The plot behind the story is the same as any other Naru/Hin fic and there really isn't a way to change that but the introduction of their relationship was kind of sudden. One second Naruto doesn't even notice Hinata and the next he's agreeing to be her boyfriend. This would be ok if it was a one-shot, but it isn't and unless there is going to be some type of betrayal later(ie. Naruto admits that he is only going out with Hinata to get a better chance with Sakura, though I doubt this will happen based on the title.) it doesn't make much sense.
Spelling and grammer are a big thing for me personally, and lack of it is one of my pet peeves. The best solution to fix this is type it up in Word or something similar and use spell check, then read over it or have a friend(online or in real life) do it for you so as to find any homophones that don't belong were they are. If you can't find anyone, I'll gladly do this for you if time permits me to.
Another thing is to give a warning if you're going to have characters out of character. Other people have pointed this out already so I'm not going to elaborate on it.
Finally, don't give up writing. This is your first fic so there are going to be a lot of mistakes and errors. Learn from them and improve your writing. I've seen people write stories that were written worse than your's but still went on to become better and got up to those 15+ chapter fics. Good luck and I'll watch to see where this fic goes.
schedule
December 17, 2007 at 12:00 AM
its a good story dont get discouraged some people have nothing etter to do then flame and half of tem dont even attempt writting a fic themselves.....<3
schedule
December 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Not to bad but your sentences aren't the best of aome authors.. But how you do your story is your way and nobody could take it so I must say your quite good at it.. I am no writer but I can see you like to write this story so update and I will leave you a comment every time
schedule
December 11, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Wow, talk about insulting/hostile to your readership. You can't put a story up on a fanfiction site with a review button and expect nothing but positive comments, especially if you haven't spell checked your work.
schedule
December 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Some of this is so bad that it almost seems intentional, this spew is another effortless waste of AFF.net space. I never tell an author to stop writing, please, next time, a little more effort. Who in their sodding right mind would believe that Hinata would ever say DUH to Hiashi? You've got them going from confessing to fucking almost within the span of a page, good lord...
EDIT*
I didn't notice at first that you did mention at the top that this was your first fic, so I now admit I was harsh above, but my point still stands. Even a beginner could do better than this, come on.. You owe it to yourself to try again.
EDIT*
I didn't notice at first that you did mention at the top that this was your first fic, so I now admit I was harsh above, but my point still stands. Even a beginner could do better than this, come on.. You owe it to yourself to try again.