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April 17, 2008 at 12:00 AM
omg i have to *thumbs up* your brilliant song choice of john mayer for chapter 24 :D
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April 17, 2008 at 12:00 AM
just dropping a not to say well done on the fantastic story so far as ive read :D good work
love it
love it
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April 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Are you ok? You haven't updated for a while.
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March 31, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I hope every thing is okay with you. You just up and disappeared. Miss your writing.
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March 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hey Sho-chan. Loved the upadte it was a good laugh and a bit erotic for Hanzori. Being flirtacious with two of the strongest ninjas there. I would think a bit of a down fall that he would flirt with two wives and husbands not far from them... Not good but no harm in not knowing... Hope you have a great update planned and would love to read it.
Josh
Josh
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March 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
i'm back! story's still twisting and turning and i loveeee the new hyuuga addition! kiccck ass! ja!
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March 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
You seem to ramble in your A/N. :P
A good chapter. Hanzou seems to be a good guy. But I'm curious. Dark side to every light, eh?
A good chapter. Hanzou seems to be a good guy. But I'm curious. Dark side to every light, eh?
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March 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Poor Hinata, she just missed a chance to meet her brother and get to know him better.
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March 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I liked the introduction of this new character. I can't wait to see what stems from him.
Rox
Rox
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March 20, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I have to admit that I'm a little scared to review this story honestly. You seem to have a rabid amount of supporters, and I'm not sure you take constructive criticism well. With that said, I am going to tell you what I truthfully think of this story. I read three chapters fully (word for word), read and skimmed another three (that means I read about 75% word for word) and then I started skimming until chapter nineteen and a couple of the later chapters. I had to stop there, because I know the story isn't for me and the problems were too great for me to work through.
Surprisingly, it isn't the sexual submission or BSDM that was a turn off for me. In fact, that was your biggest saving grace in the story. It was all the other stuff, the story, the plot line, the placement of dialogue and flow of the story itself that had me cringing at times. I believe that a big part of what was distracting were the numerous plot holes. I spent half my time lost, and the other time saying to myself, "Okay, um, she has established this character as one way, but now said character did a one-eighty with their personality, and now another."
I think it is because you are a newer author that you have a lot of these beginner mistakes. Looking back to when I published my first adult story here on AFF, I cringe and cringe. I made the exact same mistakes that you did. I made a plot that was confusing and characterizations which hurt my story exponentially. I'm telling you this because it was only when a respected author of the community told me that my story needed a major overhaul that I actually started examining my writing practices much closer. I started worrying about all the elements of writing more than just churning out chapters. I didn't let my stories run out from under me anymore. Right now, I think you have a story that has trainwrecked.
I have to admit that when I skimmed chapters up in the fourties, I was much more impressed with your writing. Your flow had improved greatly from the earlier chapters, and the diologue and plot seemed much more believable. This is why I hold a lot of hope for you as an author. I see that you have the ability to improve, and that is such a good thing. I hope that when you start your next story, you take into consideration outlining the plot beforehand. I think the most confusing thing about *this* story is that it feels like seven or eight stories in one. You have it going in so many directions at once that it confuses me.
I'd leave a more detailed review with specific examples, but I know you are probably seething with hatred for me already XD Just know that this is constructive criticism that you needed to hear.
p.s. This is my secondary penname where I stick all my crappy (and I mean crappy) stories, so don't think, "What the hell, she just started writing two weeks ago, she doesn't know anything." Trust me, I do. I teach fanfiction workshops across the country at various anime conventions. I'm a well-respected member of the Naruto and other fandom communities. Please don't just brush off what I've said. It is important for you to take a closer look at your fanfiction. And please don't delete my review either. It is important for you to see that not all reviews are glowing love for your stories. Sometimes it is a difficult pill to swallow, but please try. I really do hold hope for you and your stories. You write one mean BDSM sex scene. You have many strengths, and I hope you continue to put them to good use.
Surprisingly, it isn't the sexual submission or BSDM that was a turn off for me. In fact, that was your biggest saving grace in the story. It was all the other stuff, the story, the plot line, the placement of dialogue and flow of the story itself that had me cringing at times. I believe that a big part of what was distracting were the numerous plot holes. I spent half my time lost, and the other time saying to myself, "Okay, um, she has established this character as one way, but now said character did a one-eighty with their personality, and now another."
I think it is because you are a newer author that you have a lot of these beginner mistakes. Looking back to when I published my first adult story here on AFF, I cringe and cringe. I made the exact same mistakes that you did. I made a plot that was confusing and characterizations which hurt my story exponentially. I'm telling you this because it was only when a respected author of the community told me that my story needed a major overhaul that I actually started examining my writing practices much closer. I started worrying about all the elements of writing more than just churning out chapters. I didn't let my stories run out from under me anymore. Right now, I think you have a story that has trainwrecked.
I have to admit that when I skimmed chapters up in the fourties, I was much more impressed with your writing. Your flow had improved greatly from the earlier chapters, and the diologue and plot seemed much more believable. This is why I hold a lot of hope for you as an author. I see that you have the ability to improve, and that is such a good thing. I hope that when you start your next story, you take into consideration outlining the plot beforehand. I think the most confusing thing about *this* story is that it feels like seven or eight stories in one. You have it going in so many directions at once that it confuses me.
I'd leave a more detailed review with specific examples, but I know you are probably seething with hatred for me already XD Just know that this is constructive criticism that you needed to hear.
p.s. This is my secondary penname where I stick all my crappy (and I mean crappy) stories, so don't think, "What the hell, she just started writing two weeks ago, she doesn't know anything." Trust me, I do. I teach fanfiction workshops across the country at various anime conventions. I'm a well-respected member of the Naruto and other fandom communities. Please don't just brush off what I've said. It is important for you to take a closer look at your fanfiction. And please don't delete my review either. It is important for you to see that not all reviews are glowing love for your stories. Sometimes it is a difficult pill to swallow, but please try. I really do hold hope for you and your stories. You write one mean BDSM sex scene. You have many strengths, and I hope you continue to put them to good use.