schedule
January 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Oh wow. Oh my god wow. I love this fic! your word choice is amazing and the description is highly original (their first kiss was hooot). Even the plot is awesome. Great work! Finish ^_^
schedule
January 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
another great chapter. i wonder if you will put all of the curse on naruto and sasuke, or just take certain elements of the curse and make up the rest. i can't wait to see the next update.
schedule
January 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Got-damn, did I just incite you to write more terrible adjectives? You did not just write, “To summarize, the past week had inhaled profusely” to mean the past week sucked, did you?? ...You did. =_=;;; “for the atmosphere that I am trying to construct, plus the themes I wish people would pick up on, these surreal, almost completely absurd metaphors/similes are needed.” No, they're not. You need to try harder to get your ideas across in language that can be understood, or no one will get your message. And because you were drunk(?) I will forgive you for saying you don’t have to edit your writing because it’s fanfiction. If you expect people to bother writing wonderful reviews like mine, you should at least take yourself seriously enough revise what you’ve written.
“I would expect someone to be a bit more helpful then derogatory if they honestly wanted to help a sista out” Okay, I’ll try to be a little less derogatory if you try to stop pumping every sentence full of adjectives in chapter 3, howzat? Kang is concerned: very concerned. C’mon, you seem intelligent enough, if not somewhat unreasonable. Can’t you understand that saying something like “black eyes molding into two polished globs of marble” is terrible because marble is a beautiful, shiny stone with a sharply defined boundary (and if ya want to go crazy, it symbolizes rigidity, purity of work ethic, and brings to mind both the severe classical beauty of marble statues from antiquity and the decadent, highly hierarchical society that patronized it), and glob is a gelatinous, sticky, floppy, undefined shape (that symbolizes boogers?)? “Globs of marble” is not a clever juxtaposition of opposites, it’s nonsensical, and as a ‘writing technique’ the phrase utterly fails. Hmm. Please read the following essay by George Orwell. If you don’t get it, then it’s unlikely your writing style will change at all, but if you do, perhaps there’s hope for you after all! http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm
Moving on. “In the ancient Egyptian times, high priests tied the essences of the laboring slaves’ sweat together so when they began to toil under the high sun....” History lesson time! ♥ The pyramids were not made by slaves, as many Hollywood movies would lead you to believe, but by citizens. Labor was conscripted, like a military draft, from able-bodied Egyptians during the Nile’s flood season when farmers had nothing else to do (cuz their fields were under water). It was precise and meticulous labor, and it was generally considered an honor to work on the pyramids, since they were monuments to their living God, the pharaoh, and the pyramids were certainly not something to be trusted to slaves.
Haha, I like the pinky swear curse. Anyway, seeing that my constructive criticism only resulted in you doing MORE of exactly what I didn’t like, I’ll try changing tactics this time and point out one of the few good descriptions you used. “The entire structure trembled as dust sprinkled from the ceiling and refracted the orange, afternoon sunshine so that the whole room seemed almost surreal and mystical.” Ehh, ehh? *nudge nudge* This was great. I had a basic image in my mind of an interior something like Tyler Durden’s house for the hotel, and it was working well enough to set the scene when this line came along and suddenly the image in my head was flooded with orange filtered light. Dust sparkling in hazy light is a familiar yet exciting image that lends a lot of atmosphere and visually created the whole surreal/mystical aura you were going for. And having an old wall ‘tremble’ after its hit is a great description as well. Fantastic! btw, just do a good job describing concrete details like orange light and eddying dust motes and the reader will envision a surreal and mystical atmosphere all on their own, without you having to mention that it’s surreal and mystical. You could cut out that whole last clause. The best writing is subtle, and allows the story’s setting, emotions, and characters’ actions to speak for themselves, without constantly informing the reader what the mood is, what so-and-so is thinking, or EXACTLY what so-and-so looks like.
You like Conrad? Well allow me to quote and analyze my favorite line from Heart of Darkness for you. “We live as we dream: alone.” Just as it’s impossible to completely convey the experience of a nightmare to a second party, our lives are separated by our intellects, and brought together through communication. Writing that tries to tell you how frightening or beautiful or surreal something is will always fall short of its goal. Only writing that physically describes the cold drip of sweat sliding down a boy’s face as his pursuer pauses and creeps ever closer to his hiding spot, or the way a man’s white hands flutter down his lover’s quivering ribcage like dove’s wings, or how an entire room trembles as dust sparkles in hazy, orange sunlight can possibly show you fear, beauty, or surrealism because the feeling now originates in the reader, inspired by what the author has written.
“I would expect someone to be a bit more helpful then derogatory if they honestly wanted to help a sista out” Okay, I’ll try to be a little less derogatory if you try to stop pumping every sentence full of adjectives in chapter 3, howzat? Kang is concerned: very concerned. C’mon, you seem intelligent enough, if not somewhat unreasonable. Can’t you understand that saying something like “black eyes molding into two polished globs of marble” is terrible because marble is a beautiful, shiny stone with a sharply defined boundary (and if ya want to go crazy, it symbolizes rigidity, purity of work ethic, and brings to mind both the severe classical beauty of marble statues from antiquity and the decadent, highly hierarchical society that patronized it), and glob is a gelatinous, sticky, floppy, undefined shape (that symbolizes boogers?)? “Globs of marble” is not a clever juxtaposition of opposites, it’s nonsensical, and as a ‘writing technique’ the phrase utterly fails. Hmm. Please read the following essay by George Orwell. If you don’t get it, then it’s unlikely your writing style will change at all, but if you do, perhaps there’s hope for you after all! http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm
Moving on. “In the ancient Egyptian times, high priests tied the essences of the laboring slaves’ sweat together so when they began to toil under the high sun....” History lesson time! ♥ The pyramids were not made by slaves, as many Hollywood movies would lead you to believe, but by citizens. Labor was conscripted, like a military draft, from able-bodied Egyptians during the Nile’s flood season when farmers had nothing else to do (cuz their fields were under water). It was precise and meticulous labor, and it was generally considered an honor to work on the pyramids, since they were monuments to their living God, the pharaoh, and the pyramids were certainly not something to be trusted to slaves.
Haha, I like the pinky swear curse. Anyway, seeing that my constructive criticism only resulted in you doing MORE of exactly what I didn’t like, I’ll try changing tactics this time and point out one of the few good descriptions you used. “The entire structure trembled as dust sprinkled from the ceiling and refracted the orange, afternoon sunshine so that the whole room seemed almost surreal and mystical.” Ehh, ehh? *nudge nudge* This was great. I had a basic image in my mind of an interior something like Tyler Durden’s house for the hotel, and it was working well enough to set the scene when this line came along and suddenly the image in my head was flooded with orange filtered light. Dust sparkling in hazy light is a familiar yet exciting image that lends a lot of atmosphere and visually created the whole surreal/mystical aura you were going for. And having an old wall ‘tremble’ after its hit is a great description as well. Fantastic! btw, just do a good job describing concrete details like orange light and eddying dust motes and the reader will envision a surreal and mystical atmosphere all on their own, without you having to mention that it’s surreal and mystical. You could cut out that whole last clause. The best writing is subtle, and allows the story’s setting, emotions, and characters’ actions to speak for themselves, without constantly informing the reader what the mood is, what so-and-so is thinking, or EXACTLY what so-and-so looks like.
You like Conrad? Well allow me to quote and analyze my favorite line from Heart of Darkness for you. “We live as we dream: alone.” Just as it’s impossible to completely convey the experience of a nightmare to a second party, our lives are separated by our intellects, and brought together through communication. Writing that tries to tell you how frightening or beautiful or surreal something is will always fall short of its goal. Only writing that physically describes the cold drip of sweat sliding down a boy’s face as his pursuer pauses and creeps ever closer to his hiding spot, or the way a man’s white hands flutter down his lover’s quivering ribcage like dove’s wings, or how an entire room trembles as dust sparkles in hazy, orange sunlight can possibly show you fear, beauty, or surrealism because the feeling now originates in the reader, inspired by what the author has written.
schedule
January 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I flow of this story is a little odd... but not in a bad way. It's not your typical Naruto fanfic and I'm enjoying the originality. So please, by all means, continue.
schedule
January 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
soooooooo i absolutely love the story
and i love where it's going
but if it's already written y don't u post all of it?
caz this one chapter at a time thing.... honestly
it's killing me
so, much love and ur amazing 4 writing the story
:D
and i love where it's going
but if it's already written y don't u post all of it?
caz this one chapter at a time thing.... honestly
it's killing me
so, much love and ur amazing 4 writing the story
:D
schedule
January 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
awesome chapter can't wait for more.
=)
=)
schedule
January 7, 2008 at 12:00 AM
>w< YAY!! You posted!! I wish I could write like you!! I seriously suck at it >< I don't know how to spell or write something that makes sense to save my life. I love your stories and who ever says you suck is just jealous ;D Can't wait for you to post again!
schedule
January 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Okay, overall I was interested enough to want another chapter, but seriously?? WTF?!?! You used a whole lot of terrible metaphors that barely made sense, but this one took the cake: "His black eyes that seemed to draw in the very quintessence of the night glittered when the boy’s eye lids finally began to droop until azure diamonds were tucked safely back into their fleshy pouch." Stop raping your thesaurus. Azure diamonds in fleshy pouches? Do you even understand what a disgusting visual that piss-poor metaphor conjures? You would have been light-years better off to have said something much simpler and concise, like, "His eyes, black as night given form, glittered when the boy he watched finally drifted to sleep." No fucking blue jewels in meat sacks, please.
I know in 6th grade you teacher probably told you something along the lines of 'more adjectives = better writing!' This is false. More DESCRIPTION equals better writing, and the fewer words you can use to say the same thing, the better. Like saying somebody 'very slowly stalked and loitered around the hallway' uses many more adjectives to a decidedly worse effect than the better-fitting verb, somebody 'skulked in the hallway'. Yeah. So go write some more, without calling eyes orbs or comparing everyone's eyes to as many jewel tones as you can think of. You don't even call blue diamonds "azure diamonds", you call them "blue diamonds." If you ask a jeweler for azure diamonds, you will get the WTF? look, fyi. That's like--like calling blue whales "cobalt whales." Whuteva. Kang approves of your plot, if not your style. *thumbs up*
I know in 6th grade you teacher probably told you something along the lines of 'more adjectives = better writing!' This is false. More DESCRIPTION equals better writing, and the fewer words you can use to say the same thing, the better. Like saying somebody 'very slowly stalked and loitered around the hallway' uses many more adjectives to a decidedly worse effect than the better-fitting verb, somebody 'skulked in the hallway'. Yeah. So go write some more, without calling eyes orbs or comparing everyone's eyes to as many jewel tones as you can think of. You don't even call blue diamonds "azure diamonds", you call them "blue diamonds." If you ask a jeweler for azure diamonds, you will get the WTF? look, fyi. That's like--like calling blue whales "cobalt whales." Whuteva. Kang approves of your plot, if not your style. *thumbs up*
schedule
January 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
next ch please
schedule
January 6, 2008 at 12:00 AM
this story sounds very interesting. I can't wait to read more.
=)
=)