schedule
April 3, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Not bad. The last chapter shows that you're getting somewhat better. Still, fighting scenes are definitely not your thing.
schedule
March 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I also like your story so far.
I think you did a very good job.
And Hiashi Hyuga is as annoying as always ^^.
Keep up your good work please.
I think you did a very good job.
And Hiashi Hyuga is as annoying as always ^^.
Keep up your good work please.
schedule
March 5, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I can't believe that people actually find my story good.... maybe I just have too low "writer's self esteem". But thanks to you guys it's goin up :) thx for the good reviews.
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March 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
well i have to say even with writer's block the story as it is, it's pretty awesome.
and as for me personally i say the story and plot way more then make up for lack of smut, the story is well enough where it doesn't need it really but hey lol this is adultfanfiction.
overall great story.
and as for me personally i say the story and plot way more then make up for lack of smut, the story is well enough where it doesn't need it really but hey lol this is adultfanfiction.
overall great story.
schedule
March 3, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Very good start.
I bookmarked your story and I'm waiting for more.
I bookmarked your story and I'm waiting for more.
schedule
March 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Good so far! Keep it up, okay? Looking forward to future chappies!
~Sho-Chan~
~Sho-Chan~
schedule
March 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I think this has the potential to be a good story. I'd like to offer some advice though. First: The format that your writing is in is a little, as Shikamaru would say "Troublesome" to read. You should start a new paragraph every time someone speaks.
(ex)
Say this is the last scentence in the paragraph before the next person speaks.
"Start a new paragraph in the quotation marks," said the reviewer.
When you start this next scentence after the person speaks you should start a new paragraph also. Don't make the paragraphs too long. You should be able to tell when you can stop one paragraph and start a new one, even if they both go along with the same thought line. If you can't do this, which is okay some people are just bad at it, you should get a beta to look at your stories before you post them. Always put a space between each new paragraph and the one before it. It just makes it easier for us readers to read.
Okay...Number Two: Some of your descriptions are very blunt. You should try to be more creative with metaphors and artistic language. It kind of stops the flow of things if you're talking about how Hinata is watching him masturbate and you stop to say that it's 10 inches. Information like that is unnecessary, and kind of stops the flow of things. If you are going to say things like that, you should tactfully hide them within a nicely detailed description of how Naruto looks while he is masturbating. When Hinata starts to touch herself describe how it feels to her. Don't be afraid to go into it. Details are always a good thing if they are properly written.
This was in no way meant to be mean. This is just an author giving constructive criticism to another author. I honestly believe that this story is not bad at all, but I think you can do better. If you need any help with anything...don't hesitate to drop me a line at AAngelangel189@aol.com.
~Reigh~
(ex)
Say this is the last scentence in the paragraph before the next person speaks.
"Start a new paragraph in the quotation marks," said the reviewer.
When you start this next scentence after the person speaks you should start a new paragraph also. Don't make the paragraphs too long. You should be able to tell when you can stop one paragraph and start a new one, even if they both go along with the same thought line. If you can't do this, which is okay some people are just bad at it, you should get a beta to look at your stories before you post them. Always put a space between each new paragraph and the one before it. It just makes it easier for us readers to read.
Okay...Number Two: Some of your descriptions are very blunt. You should try to be more creative with metaphors and artistic language. It kind of stops the flow of things if you're talking about how Hinata is watching him masturbate and you stop to say that it's 10 inches. Information like that is unnecessary, and kind of stops the flow of things. If you are going to say things like that, you should tactfully hide them within a nicely detailed description of how Naruto looks while he is masturbating. When Hinata starts to touch herself describe how it feels to her. Don't be afraid to go into it. Details are always a good thing if they are properly written.
This was in no way meant to be mean. This is just an author giving constructive criticism to another author. I honestly believe that this story is not bad at all, but I think you can do better. If you need any help with anything...don't hesitate to drop me a line at AAngelangel189@aol.com.
~Reigh~