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August 30, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hott smex and then the lovely fluffy ending... loved it!
Best line: "...there was no doubt in Neji's mind that this was definitely the best way he'd ever seen to put on a condom."
Great chapter!
Best line: "...there was no doubt in Neji's mind that this was definitely the best way he'd ever seen to put on a condom."
Great chapter!
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August 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Ok so here's the real deal! It wasn't that it was bad per say... I think the problem that I had with it was it was too unrealistic. I mean in the beginning of the lemon Neji somehow managed to suck Nara off and then finger both Nar and Kiba simultaneously without breaking speed. And then when they were getting into the act Naruto somehow managed to thrust back against Neji, while thrusting his cock into Nara's mouth while fingering Nara. Not that its impossible its just that you know when people are in the moment and its really good concentration is lacking.
I think what happened is that obviously this is a foursome and you didn't want to leave anyone out, but it would have come out better if say instead of the beginning part where Neji is performing 'acrobatics,' while he was sucking Nara off Kiba prepared Nar. Or like when they got into the act Kiba screwed Neji and while that was going on Nar and Nara are doing their thing together and you alternate povs's between the two couples. Or you could have kept it how you had it before but while Neji screws Nar and Kiba screws Neji, Nara screws himself with the vibrator while watching them. Anyway these are just some examples, really though they are going to be with Neji forever???, there is no rule that says he has to get his 'licks' off of them all at the same time or something like that. What I did like about this chapter (which is despite the fact that out of the three of them he gets way too much of Neji's attention already)is how Neji 'worshipped' Nara in the shower . I think it would have been better if Neji paid each of them that same worship. So yeah there you have it, and hopefully in the next one there will be no more 'acrobatics,' unless its something like Nar being really flexible or something like that, which I can totally picture.
p.s. just a little correction, at one point you say Naruto bottoms from the top, it should be switched around to tops from the bottom.
I think what happened is that obviously this is a foursome and you didn't want to leave anyone out, but it would have come out better if say instead of the beginning part where Neji is performing 'acrobatics,' while he was sucking Nara off Kiba prepared Nar. Or like when they got into the act Kiba screwed Neji and while that was going on Nar and Nara are doing their thing together and you alternate povs's between the two couples. Or you could have kept it how you had it before but while Neji screws Nar and Kiba screws Neji, Nara screws himself with the vibrator while watching them. Anyway these are just some examples, really though they are going to be with Neji forever???, there is no rule that says he has to get his 'licks' off of them all at the same time or something like that. What I did like about this chapter (which is despite the fact that out of the three of them he gets way too much of Neji's attention already)is how Neji 'worshipped' Nara in the shower . I think it would have been better if Neji paid each of them that same worship. So yeah there you have it, and hopefully in the next one there will be no more 'acrobatics,' unless its something like Nar being really flexible or something like that, which I can totally picture.
p.s. just a little correction, at one point you say Naruto bottoms from the top, it should be switched around to tops from the bottom.
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August 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hott!
It was definitel great!
Heh, Kiba finally got Neji and Naruto got to be Neji's uke. xD
And Shika got his treatment as well. :D
It really must've been hard to write foursome, at least I think it would be.
But you did it really great!
Lovint it! And it continues in the next chapter? Shika's will get his release. xD
I hope you keep writing and update soon again!
Awesome chapter and awesome story!
It was definitel great!
Heh, Kiba finally got Neji and Naruto got to be Neji's uke. xD
And Shika got his treatment as well. :D
It really must've been hard to write foursome, at least I think it would be.
But you did it really great!
Lovint it! And it continues in the next chapter? Shika's will get his release. xD
I hope you keep writing and update soon again!
Awesome chapter and awesome story!
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August 24, 2008 at 12:00 AM
That was highlight of my internet experience of this week. You are yaoi goddess! That was the hottest foursome I have ever read (and I read a lot) I am proud of you.
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August 24, 2008 at 12:00 AM
That is so hot. Please give me more smut.
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August 24, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Oh it's getting good! I can't wait for the next one.
I promise no killing though.
Neji really likes all three of them, doesn't he?
It's such a strange situation that works so well.
*waiting as patiently as possible*
I promise no killing though.
Neji really likes all three of them, doesn't he?
It's such a strange situation that works so well.
*waiting as patiently as possible*
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August 24, 2008 at 12:00 AM
HOLY HANNAH!
Sensory Overload! I can't even say anything else!
Sensory Overload! I can't even say anything else!
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August 24, 2008 at 12:00 AM
That was unbelievably hott! Greatest lemon ever!
I love Naruto's mischievous side! "Purple!"
Great chapter!
I love Naruto's mischievous side! "Purple!"
Great chapter!
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August 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Worst cliffie EVER!!! Argh...
Quick question: I thought Naru's nickname meant angel, nor darling. Which is it?
Great chapter. Naruto is really too cute for words XD
update!
Quick question: I thought Naru's nickname meant angel, nor darling. Which is it?
Great chapter. Naruto is really too cute for words XD
update!
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August 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Lol, at Nar making hickies on Shika's ass cheeks. The thought of Naruto paying homage to Shika's ass is too funny! I know you didn't mean it that way but when I read that all I could think about was Naruto worshiping Shika's ass. LMAO that was definitely the highlight for me of this chapter.
And nope not mad at you, I think if you are going to make it a full blown lemon between them then it might have been too long to put in this chapter, so it does make sense. See you next chapter.
And nope not mad at you, I think if you are going to make it a full blown lemon between them then it might have been too long to put in this chapter, so it does make sense. See you next chapter.