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November 29, 2013 at 12:00 AM
You can't have Sasuke attack the village so blatantly, and NOT be a villain. Even if he has a harem it will be nothing but OCs since no one in Konoha would like him now much less be permitted to marry him.
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March 30, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Who is tayuya going to be with. I was hoping that you put her with naruto since she and his mother are just alike.
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March 4, 2010 at 12:00 AM
ohh man that was awasome .. please please update soon i would love to read more .. later for now
agnel
agnel
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October 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Please update soon this story needs to be finished
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September 11, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Ok where to start... You plot is good... however your writing needs a lot of work, I suspect English is not you first language(though I may be wrong) because you don't seem to realize what "sounds" good or bad.
"I'm going to kill you!" Naruto says in a serious tone
"I'd like to see you try" Neji tells him in a funny tone
"Please don't fight" hinata interrupts in a moody tone.... Well its not literature, there is far too much repitition, and you really don't have to detail everything.
So a few pieces of advice... Go though you work and remove 90% of the "tone"s Instead just have something like
"I'm going to kill you!" Naruto screams at neji
"Ha!" Neji laughs "I'd like to see you try" He adds as he readies his stance
"Please don't fight" hinata interrupts, the first of her tears splashes on the ground
And amazingly we have something that has more suspense and is readable
also
"blah blah blah" naruto says in a questioning tone "Blah?" is incorect it implies that the previous statement was a question, you should put in a "then".
So that's speech 101
Next... realism in the sex scenes...
they continue this for a couple of hours
blah blah blah blah
they do this for an hour and a half blah blah... I remember once counting 4 hours of hinata watching tsunade and naruto having sex and not being mentioned once! and the same vica versa, i know naruto is meant to be some kind of stud, but saying they do it for hours doesn't make it any more erotic to read
and finally there's the spelling....
All of that in short... YOU NEED AN EDITOR
m sorry i sound harsh, I actualy like the story but i just couldnt read anymore after chapter five.
Hoping you'll pay this advice some attention, and thats all it is "advice"
Signed Katrex
"I'm going to kill you!" Naruto says in a serious tone
"I'd like to see you try" Neji tells him in a funny tone
"Please don't fight" hinata interrupts in a moody tone.... Well its not literature, there is far too much repitition, and you really don't have to detail everything.
So a few pieces of advice... Go though you work and remove 90% of the "tone"s Instead just have something like
"I'm going to kill you!" Naruto screams at neji
"Ha!" Neji laughs "I'd like to see you try" He adds as he readies his stance
"Please don't fight" hinata interrupts, the first of her tears splashes on the ground
And amazingly we have something that has more suspense and is readable
also
"blah blah blah" naruto says in a questioning tone "Blah?" is incorect it implies that the previous statement was a question, you should put in a "then".
So that's speech 101
Next... realism in the sex scenes...
they continue this for a couple of hours
blah blah blah blah
they do this for an hour and a half blah blah... I remember once counting 4 hours of hinata watching tsunade and naruto having sex and not being mentioned once! and the same vica versa, i know naruto is meant to be some kind of stud, but saying they do it for hours doesn't make it any more erotic to read
and finally there's the spelling....
All of that in short... YOU NEED AN EDITOR
m sorry i sound harsh, I actualy like the story but i just couldnt read anymore after chapter five.
Hoping you'll pay this advice some attention, and thats all it is "advice"
Signed Katrex
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July 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Awesome chapter update soon.
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July 1, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Awesome chapter update soon.
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June 30, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Awesome chapter update soon.
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June 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Awesome chapter update soon
schedule
June 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Awesome chapter update soon.