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June 2, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Okay, now I have a raging image of Sasuke sleeping naked in my head.
Dammit.
Dammit.
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May 27, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Why does a dysfunctional Sasuke surprise you?
Please continue writing.
Please continue writing.
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May 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I think your dialogue is wonderful, so please do not take it away.
And I think the same of your story.
And I think the same of your story.
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May 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Wait, what? Were they just going back to Home or somewhere else?
Ack!
Loved the chapter, as usual. I hope they eventually stop the dancing around eachother and get together!
Can't wait for the next update! ^^
Ack!
Loved the chapter, as usual. I hope they eventually stop the dancing around eachother and get together!
Can't wait for the next update! ^^
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May 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Great chapter, as always you have tapped effortlessly into Sasuke's mind to reveal to us readers how amazingly bad he has it for Naruto. I must say I am enjoying this.
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April 15, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Ah, yeah really sad, its really sad that kids have to go through shit like that, some people just should never be parents or be allowed to roam in public, but it happens no matter what and all we can do is make the best with what we have. Shit happens. Anyway good update, the beginning made me smirk and the middle made me sad and then i was able to smile at the end hehe can't wait for more!
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April 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
It was good! :3 I just cant get enough of it!! Please give me more! *chu*
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April 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
aww poor naruto but really with saskue there he must be feeling better
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April 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I'm so glad that this story's officially a WIP since stories with just sexiness get kinda boring after a while. It may have been a therapy story to begin with but damn, it's a well written one at that so I'm really elated to hear that there's plotness. :D
Even from the first chapter, you could tell that Sasuke was screwed not only because of Naruto's award winning charm and godly sexiness, but also because his brain/libido had already made up it's mind about said blond. I liked that horny Sasuke went straight to homicidal mode after he orgasmed to Naruto's moans... sounds like something Sasuke (pre-time jump) would do if he were put in an awkward situation like that. I was going to pick out my favorite Sasuke quote but damn, I love how you write his internal struggles. Period. Sasuke who knows exactly that he wants to jump Naruto but can't because he thinks too much, that is, until his body tells his brain to fuck off. Yup, I really like how you write him since he's super dominating but once Naruto makes his move, he melts like a kitten. And when he got jealous of small things like Naruto having a flirty conversation with Sakura on the field trip bus... so cute. XD
And Naruto... yummy. Sexy Naruto is hella sexy. You preserved his fun loving, idiotic, and super amiable character while making him very close to my favorite type of Naruto (the blue-eyed, blond sex god). He's the right combination of clingy but not too clingy that it makes him sound like a cuddly little puppy and not too horny that he's slutty (-_-+). I too want to know a little bit more of his background because I'd like to know your take on Minato, Kushina (although I hope you don't turn them to abusive parents cause NOOOOOOOOO they are the compelete opposite of that T_______T), and Kyuubi. Even if Naruto's background makes the story a little bit more angst-y, it gives more reason for more Sasuke therapy. :d
I didn't feel like you were bashing Sakura on Chapter 5. I kinda felt bad for her cause Sasuke's such an asshole when he gets jealous and everyone saw (?) how easily she gave to Sasuke's "advance." I also feel bad for her because with all her brains and with Sasuke's random kiss, after ignoring her for so long, she'd probably begin feeling/seeing the UST between Sasuke and Naruto. (I hope you figure out a way to insert the canon yaoi fangirl side of Sakura XD)
You also write the smexy goodness awesomely. It's very descriptive and well written grammar wise, with minor hiccups here and there, so even if the story was just smut, it'd be better than most PWP stories on the NaruSasuNaru section of AFF.
I feel bad that the Home is based off of a real deal because it's not really all that kid friendly and it's horrible that even when they're put in homes, sometimes kids aren't taken care of the way that they need to after dealing with hellish home lives.
Some awkwardness/mistakes I noticed:
Chp.2 "A jolt, very similar and much less painful then an electric one would be," it should be 'A jolt, very similar but much less painful than...' since you're comparing/contrasting the two jolts.
Chp.2 "...he’d stop for moment to reinforce his grip.." missing an 'a' between for and moment.
Chp.3 "It took longer then Sasuke remembered,..." again a comparison so it should be 'than'
Chp.3 "...allowing the oxygen quiet down Sasuke’s blood." missing a 'to' between oxygen and quiet
Chp.3 "Sasuke tried to determent the source," it should be 'determine' not determent
Chp.3 "...couple of minutes now, then having to deal..." comparison, should be 'than'
Chp.3 "...yellow light, prompting himself on..." think the word's 'propping' not prompting
Chp.3 "His forever restless hands slide passed Sasuke’s hips, lower, grabbed his ass to bring them closer together. " should be 'slid past' and 'grabbing his ass'?
Chp.3 "...fingers into the blind strands until they..." should be blond strands
Chp.3 "But Naruto trusted into his hand..." should be thrusted?
Chp.4 "Sasuke maybe wasn’t ready to tell it to the world..." switch Sasuke and maybe? 'Maybe Sasuke wasn't...'
chp.4 "...be more haunting them the actual memory of Naruto’s forever..." should be 'more haunting than the actual'
Chp.5 "It was that math teacher was insisting Sasuke tries this year to get up till the state competition, because winning it would provide him to enter any university that had math for enter examination without taking it at all, even though Sasuke said many times that he was going to study sociology of law. " I don't understand what the teacher wants Sasuke to get up for... Dx
Chp.5 "Why was he bothering with him anyway?" should be 'Why was she bothering with him anyway?'
Chp.5 "The bell ringed just a couple of seconds" 'The bell rung just a couple of seconds'? ringed is describing something with a ring shape.
LOL, can't wait for your next update. XD
Even from the first chapter, you could tell that Sasuke was screwed not only because of Naruto's award winning charm and godly sexiness, but also because his brain/libido had already made up it's mind about said blond. I liked that horny Sasuke went straight to homicidal mode after he orgasmed to Naruto's moans... sounds like something Sasuke (pre-time jump) would do if he were put in an awkward situation like that. I was going to pick out my favorite Sasuke quote but damn, I love how you write his internal struggles. Period. Sasuke who knows exactly that he wants to jump Naruto but can't because he thinks too much, that is, until his body tells his brain to fuck off. Yup, I really like how you write him since he's super dominating but once Naruto makes his move, he melts like a kitten. And when he got jealous of small things like Naruto having a flirty conversation with Sakura on the field trip bus... so cute. XD
And Naruto... yummy. Sexy Naruto is hella sexy. You preserved his fun loving, idiotic, and super amiable character while making him very close to my favorite type of Naruto (the blue-eyed, blond sex god). He's the right combination of clingy but not too clingy that it makes him sound like a cuddly little puppy and not too horny that he's slutty (-_-+). I too want to know a little bit more of his background because I'd like to know your take on Minato, Kushina (although I hope you don't turn them to abusive parents cause NOOOOOOOOO they are the compelete opposite of that T_______T), and Kyuubi. Even if Naruto's background makes the story a little bit more angst-y, it gives more reason for more Sasuke therapy. :d
I didn't feel like you were bashing Sakura on Chapter 5. I kinda felt bad for her cause Sasuke's such an asshole when he gets jealous and everyone saw (?) how easily she gave to Sasuke's "advance." I also feel bad for her because with all her brains and with Sasuke's random kiss, after ignoring her for so long, she'd probably begin feeling/seeing the UST between Sasuke and Naruto. (I hope you figure out a way to insert the canon yaoi fangirl side of Sakura XD)
You also write the smexy goodness awesomely. It's very descriptive and well written grammar wise, with minor hiccups here and there, so even if the story was just smut, it'd be better than most PWP stories on the NaruSasuNaru section of AFF.
I feel bad that the Home is based off of a real deal because it's not really all that kid friendly and it's horrible that even when they're put in homes, sometimes kids aren't taken care of the way that they need to after dealing with hellish home lives.
Some awkwardness/mistakes I noticed:
Chp.2 "A jolt, very similar and much less painful then an electric one would be," it should be 'A jolt, very similar but much less painful than...' since you're comparing/contrasting the two jolts.
Chp.2 "...he’d stop for moment to reinforce his grip.." missing an 'a' between for and moment.
Chp.3 "It took longer then Sasuke remembered,..." again a comparison so it should be 'than'
Chp.3 "...allowing the oxygen quiet down Sasuke’s blood." missing a 'to' between oxygen and quiet
Chp.3 "Sasuke tried to determent the source," it should be 'determine' not determent
Chp.3 "...couple of minutes now, then having to deal..." comparison, should be 'than'
Chp.3 "...yellow light, prompting himself on..." think the word's 'propping' not prompting
Chp.3 "His forever restless hands slide passed Sasuke’s hips, lower, grabbed his ass to bring them closer together. " should be 'slid past' and 'grabbing his ass'?
Chp.3 "...fingers into the blind strands until they..." should be blond strands
Chp.3 "But Naruto trusted into his hand..." should be thrusted?
Chp.4 "Sasuke maybe wasn’t ready to tell it to the world..." switch Sasuke and maybe? 'Maybe Sasuke wasn't...'
chp.4 "...be more haunting them the actual memory of Naruto’s forever..." should be 'more haunting than the actual'
Chp.5 "It was that math teacher was insisting Sasuke tries this year to get up till the state competition, because winning it would provide him to enter any university that had math for enter examination without taking it at all, even though Sasuke said many times that he was going to study sociology of law. " I don't understand what the teacher wants Sasuke to get up for... Dx
Chp.5 "Why was he bothering with him anyway?" should be 'Why was she bothering with him anyway?'
Chp.5 "The bell ringed just a couple of seconds" 'The bell rung just a couple of seconds'? ringed is describing something with a ring shape.
LOL, can't wait for your next update. XD
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April 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
hmm sad you say.. I don't know i think it's more realistic that way, and it has a story too, not just some stupid waff or pwp. Also I loved the part when Naruto punched Sasuke - he's usually such a bastard, he actually deserves it most of the time for no good reason! :D I also liked the ending waff! It made me all cuddly! I love your story, I could say it's my favourite on all of adultfanfiction.com and my fav AU too, and trust me, I've read a lot ;) So keep up the splendid work and PLEASE update soon, I'm a fanfic addict! :D