rate_review Reviews

Hellz yeah for sexy first times.

That was incredible. I loved it.
If I were a smoker, I'd be lighting up after reading that. lol
Keep up the great work!

Very impressive. I really loved this :) It was fantastic, and just as I like it: realistic. Something I'm not used to seeing, you were very descriptive when it came to the actual intercourse (usually people tend to wrap that up in two sentences and then make them orgasm... how boring). Additionally, another thing I appreciated was that you also placed a lot of emphasis on what Naruto, in particular, was feeling. Usually people tend to focus on the female side of the party, and I assume this has to do with most females being the ones writing lemons, therefore they naturally have more knowledge about the female anatomy, psychology, and reactions while in the midst of sex. It was very nice to see a story that equally balanced the descriptions between both Hinata and Naruto; not just Hinata.

I have been planning for a long time to do something like that with my own story; only that I would balance it between chapters; one chapter for Hinata (which I already did in chapter six), and I had planned something for Naruto in chapter seven (which I decided to omit from the story, but that I am writing anyway as a side story to Clones).

Anyway, you certainly needed and deserved the break before writing this chapter. I think it did you a lot of good! And that's what I always say... never rush a good thing... it will always come to you when the time is right.

As always, thanks for sharing, and great job!

^_^

Cha-mon! next chapter next chapter!
i like the shadres of red idea ;)
Leaf > Out

You have a very interesting way of dealing with their sexual relationship. You do a very outstanding job with the story as a whole and I love the way you delt with Hiashi and the Hyuga clan elders.

This is just getting better and better with each chapter. I am glad you are one of the few that havn't stop dead in their tracks on their stories.

Sexmaster no jutsu is absurd!


I loved this chapter.

Yes, I agree with the other reviewer out there... sex master no jutsu is ludicrous. I, myself am writing a lemon and straying clear of the sex master no jutsu... I know how tempting it can be, but it's unrealistic.

However, correct me if I'm wrong, but this was just another lime chapter... sorta... though stronger than first, I suppose. But if they did "do it", I certainly missed the hints, unless with the "bangs of the fireworks" you were symbolically stating that they had indeed made love, for it had immediately followed that these loud sounds drowned out Hinata's cries of ecstasy. So... yeah, call me slow, or something, because though it was clear that Hinata was just as turned on, the only one to receive actual outside stimulation was Naruto, unless watching him climax enticed her own orgasm, additionally to her grinding, I suppose....

So... for now I'll conclude they haven't actually had intercourse yet, but that this whole thing was just more fooling around between the two. But do feel free to correct my ignorance in case I am wrong. Your author's note at the beginning was confusing when I didn't actually see a full blown lemon scene, but just another lime.

Aside from my lemon rant, though I haven't reviewed this story religiously as others have, both here and in ff.net, I am happy to see more NaruHina love in this site, as it is incredibly lacking, especially good NaruHina fics. This story is a breath of fresh air, and I'm glad it's under the Naruto x Hinata section; it makes it incredibly easy to find, as aff does not have alerts, unfortunately. (And I do know you have this posted in ff.net, but I've always found it easier on the eyes to read a story here, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you update here faster than you do on ff.net.)

Oh, and though I know editing a fanfic is strictly a favor; I know how hard it is to find an editor... I write stories myself, so how frustrating it can all be, but I do notice that your story still has several grammatical errors even after allegedly being edited. My recommendation is that you find a second beta aside from the one you already have who can diminish these errors. Granted, I don't know how bad the story is as it's pre-beta-ed, but if Hinata's Husband is to remain as your only beta-reader, he should make a greater effort in sharpening his editing skills; perhaps going over the chapter more than twice, but only after taking a long break is recommended so that the mistakes are more obvious, say, the third time around. I'm not trying to be hard on the guy, or you as the author. I'm simply giving some constructive criticism in hopes that, since you are sharing this story with readers, you present your very best, and that all your efforts actually show, thus making you shine as an author, and Hinata's Husband as an editor.

Anyway, I'll be looking forward to next chapter. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

Thanks for the massive review. I did say it was lemon-ish behaviour. Yeah it's lime but I put that there for the other sites I post it on also. Hinata's Husband has been a very good editor and has adapted to my Canadian language "rules" I guess, he had issues with some of my spelling too but they're grammatically correct in my country so he's been careful to learn what words are "Canadian" and what words are "American" Some words I can accept when they're edited but I have tendency to change them back to English Imperial spelling ^^;

I'll change the warning to Lime but I'm happy with Hinata's Husband's beta, he's been very attentive to my writting quirks and can actually figure out how I try to say things (French is my first language, English is my second. I have trouble with tense usage sometimes.

Please forgive my use of imperial English ^^;

Whoa.. I did not anticipate Naruto getting whooped. I wonder what had Hinata so against him tapping into Kyuubi's powers to save himself. Although I suppose having to use no demon juice is always the better option. Hinata was great in battle. Naruto was definately a beast, but it seemed like he was distracted too easily. I suppose I should be happy you didn't make the characters all powerful (always a sign of a lousy writer), though it makes a lot of sense that they would have a hard time struggling against a jounin level Branch member. They are still technically genin after all.

Keep up the great work. You do write an exciting battle, thats for sure. ^^

AWESOME!!!!
Update soon!!!