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March 24, 2009 at 12:00 AM
so far so good.
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March 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
wow, that was hot! Good job.
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March 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Wow, that was hot!! Really great story, it's too bad it's only a oneshot, I'd love to read more!
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March 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
It's not bad. The porn was decent and it's a neat concept, but it was a little short (and as such it felt a little rushed) and there were a few things that were jarring. I get that you don't want to get too deeply into Naruto's conflicted feelings about leaving since this is a PWP, but if you're going to introduce the element at all you should expand on it a bit. Also, that one line of Sakura hate was totally out of place and really threw me. There are places in which it's proper to express your dislike for a character, but a fanfic isn't really one of those places. Even if you don't like her character (which is understandable since she can be extremely irritating), you should just not mention it unless it's actually relevant to the plot. Seeing that mention of her was bizarre - I was getting into the minds of your characters and all of a sudden you injected yourself in there and it really took me out. And even if you're going to say that the characters dislike Sakura as well, it wasn't important to what was going on at the time and so it was probably better left out.
That said, it's a decent story. I hope you keep writing.
That said, it's a decent story. I hope you keep writing.