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May 30, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Breaks.....so....needed......ughhh.....you.....are.....one....EVIL.....FANTASTIC.....AMAZING......writer.....*dies*
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May 30, 2011 at 12:00 AM
;) So much love for this story.
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May 26, 2011 at 12:00 AM
*dies laughing* Oh god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I can't read any more *can't breathe* I made it to the end of chapter 2 and that's my absolute limit, man. Awesome job. I'm going to try and find something that's not funny in the least to get my brain working again. My poor, poor brain is currently broken.
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January 26, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Hi, I've read several of your stories and I really love your unique, clever writing style. I would never have imagined works that are so erotic while leaving the reader convulsing with laughter. Yet time and again you provide just that !
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September 19, 2010 at 12:00 AM
kinky Ja
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July 20, 2009 at 12:00 AM
that was amazing i love the couple and keep on writing I can't wait for the sequil
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June 28, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Well, I couldn't actually make it all the way through the story. I got about to the forest part in the first chapter before I had to stop.
Just a few tips, in an attempt to give some constructive criticism, if that's alright:
First, lines like this, "Naughty sweet pink fingertips..." are a classic sign of bad writing. Overlooking the lack of commas to separate the adjectives, you're really, really overusing adjectives in general. It's distracting to read and while one would think that adjectives would help to FURTHER immerse someone in a story, overuse of them typically has the opposite effect, getting the reader lost in a bunch of pretty words as opposed to getting them lost in your story. You do this a lot throughout your fanfic.
Another thing was your "breaks." I only saw one before I stopped, but I'm assuming there are more. These basically amount to author's notes throughout your fanfic, which is generally considered bad form. Again, it's something that takes the reader out of the moment. It's a fanfic, not a play - if we want a break, we can take one ourselves; we don't need you designating breaks for us. Author's notes are best left to the beginning and end of a fanfic, where they won't interfere with the flow of the story.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your continued writing!
Just a few tips, in an attempt to give some constructive criticism, if that's alright:
First, lines like this, "Naughty sweet pink fingertips..." are a classic sign of bad writing. Overlooking the lack of commas to separate the adjectives, you're really, really overusing adjectives in general. It's distracting to read and while one would think that adjectives would help to FURTHER immerse someone in a story, overuse of them typically has the opposite effect, getting the reader lost in a bunch of pretty words as opposed to getting them lost in your story. You do this a lot throughout your fanfic.
Another thing was your "breaks." I only saw one before I stopped, but I'm assuming there are more. These basically amount to author's notes throughout your fanfic, which is generally considered bad form. Again, it's something that takes the reader out of the moment. It's a fanfic, not a play - if we want a break, we can take one ourselves; we don't need you designating breaks for us. Author's notes are best left to the beginning and end of a fanfic, where they won't interfere with the flow of the story.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your continued writing!
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May 23, 2009 at 12:00 AM
What. A Piece. Of BULLSHIT. This "fic" is.
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May 22, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Omg. I'm pretty sure I just spontaneously came, that's the hottest thing I've read in a long time. Maybe ever. And the breaks were good, I was staining my shirt.
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May 14, 2009 at 12:00 AM
This is so funny and slutty. I love it. Uchiha incest has never been done so well. Bravo!