rate_review Reviews

come on and update again soon

Nice chapter! I love this story and I'm glad to see you updated. I would like to see Naruto use the kage bunshin no justsu to gangbang the girls. Keep up the awesome work and please update as soon as you can!

When Moegi asks Hinata "How did you like your first real taste of Konohamaru?", for a moment, I had a vision of that question being asked by the Third Hokage, his face leering and grinning. Hinata, of course, blushed and painfully started to stammer her reply, and then the vision was gone.

God, I have to write a story about that now...

I really like this story but I think it sucks that in chapter 3 that Asuma got to fuck Hinata but Naruto didn`t with Kurenai he just got a BJ so who is the next pair be I think you should have Hanabi join in or Hana maybe Shizune or Tsunade oh well just update soon

This would probably be good if there was any sort of beta reading happening. A likely decent fic killed by horrible grammar and sentence/paragraph structure, insufficient punctuation and no separation at all between paragraphs. Please look at what 90% of the other authors do.

I suppose that some people would consider this a "flame" but I seriously believe that you should take this advice to heart.

*sigh* Where do I start?

There are a lot of things wrong with this story, my friend, and they cannot be explained away by the fact that this is your first story. The spelling is terrible, the grammar is horrendous, the writing itself is stilted and confusing, and characterisation is non-existent (yes, even a PWP should be somewhat in character).
Look, if you have such a poor grasp on the English language then you should have found someone to beta your story and save you the humiliation of posting such a monstrosity. Hell, I'll even offer to beta for you if you're willing to take constructive criticism.

You misspelled Konohamaru several times and I think when you loaded the file something happen to the spacing.

..... i do not think there are words for how.... linear and predictable this was. pwp it may be, but at least try to get the grammar right. "I came" or "I've never cum/I never came that hard before..." that sort of thing. personally i find this lacking.