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January 21, 2017 at 12:00 AM
This is beautiful. I love how it end, everything from Naruto POV to Sasuke POV both are so sweet, and fluff. I love how they show care to each other. But it just that the ending was left hanging, I think there is so much more to that. I hope you'll make a sequel
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January 4, 2015 at 12:00 AM
Omg assumes such a stupid arse poor naru I cried when he broke down.
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June 28, 2014 at 12:00 AM
I can't wait to see what's going to happen next, I truly want them to stay together, but this is going to be an extremely hart time for them both, please update chapter 20 soon ^_^
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June 18, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Hi, I want to say that I'm reviewing based off the first chapter. I believe you have artistic vision when it comes to writing--the creative aspect of melding ideas and scene work. Definitely, I can appreciate that from your work.
But from what I am reading on the first chapter, I did not like certain aspects involving technique and writing devices. The biggest problem I found was the use of descriptors to substitute characters/nouns. Often, I'll see Naruto as "blond", Ino as "blonde", Sasuke as a "raven" (bastard, asshole, dark-haired friend), then brunette for "Hinata", then "brunet" for Kiba. Do you see what I'm saying? Occasionally they can be used without a problem, but I did feel you overloaded too many descriptors in too little space and it not only turns me off because as a reader, I appreciate more than just hair color in a character, but I do get confused. For example:
"A lithe blonde came up to the table, winking and popping her gum as she set a single glass of amber-colored liquid in front of Kiba, and gave him a slight smirk. The brunette quickly looked around the club, following the direction in which the waitress was pointing. A pale, dark haired girl was sitting at the bar, twirling a straw in the same glass of amber liquid as Kiba. He grinned and elbowed Naruto in the ribs, getting up to talk to this stranger who gave him free beer."
I had to re-read that twice. Again, I really enjoy your story but overloading readers with too many descriptors is truly debilitating! And to add, this kind of aspect is not so difficult to fix with a beta reader for instance. So I think this is just light criticism and not to be taken personally at all.
One last thing, is the use of terribly, mean, horrifying descriptors for characters. I read a story once that actually used "yellow roach" constantly to describe Naruto's child form: maybe if I were reading from Orochimaru's perspective would "yellow roach" make sense, but the story was telling it from Sasuke's P.O.V and Sasuke supposedly was attracted to Naruto: the yellow roach. Huh. Pronouncing it even sounds vile. In your story thankfully, I did not find such an extreme case but...here's a intimate moment you wrote:
"'You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” Sasuke teased, moving to the other side of the blonde’s neck to mark him there as well. Naruto dug his nails more sharply into the others shoulders, tilting his head to give the bastard better access to his neck."
I would have preferred brunet over bastard as a descriptor in that physical moment, if that makes sense. The image is still there, but the feeling is kind of lost.
I'm going to continue reading your story because as I've said there's talent in the way you build tension and anticipation. Thanks for posting!
But from what I am reading on the first chapter, I did not like certain aspects involving technique and writing devices. The biggest problem I found was the use of descriptors to substitute characters/nouns. Often, I'll see Naruto as "blond", Ino as "blonde", Sasuke as a "raven" (bastard, asshole, dark-haired friend), then brunette for "Hinata", then "brunet" for Kiba. Do you see what I'm saying? Occasionally they can be used without a problem, but I did feel you overloaded too many descriptors in too little space and it not only turns me off because as a reader, I appreciate more than just hair color in a character, but I do get confused. For example:
"A lithe blonde came up to the table, winking and popping her gum as she set a single glass of amber-colored liquid in front of Kiba, and gave him a slight smirk. The brunette quickly looked around the club, following the direction in which the waitress was pointing. A pale, dark haired girl was sitting at the bar, twirling a straw in the same glass of amber liquid as Kiba. He grinned and elbowed Naruto in the ribs, getting up to talk to this stranger who gave him free beer."
I had to re-read that twice. Again, I really enjoy your story but overloading readers with too many descriptors is truly debilitating! And to add, this kind of aspect is not so difficult to fix with a beta reader for instance. So I think this is just light criticism and not to be taken personally at all.
One last thing, is the use of terribly, mean, horrifying descriptors for characters. I read a story once that actually used "yellow roach" constantly to describe Naruto's child form: maybe if I were reading from Orochimaru's perspective would "yellow roach" make sense, but the story was telling it from Sasuke's P.O.V and Sasuke supposedly was attracted to Naruto: the yellow roach. Huh. Pronouncing it even sounds vile. In your story thankfully, I did not find such an extreme case but...here's a intimate moment you wrote:
"'You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” Sasuke teased, moving to the other side of the blonde’s neck to mark him there as well. Naruto dug his nails more sharply into the others shoulders, tilting his head to give the bastard better access to his neck."
I would have preferred brunet over bastard as a descriptor in that physical moment, if that makes sense. The image is still there, but the feeling is kind of lost.
I'm going to continue reading your story because as I've said there's talent in the way you build tension and anticipation. Thanks for posting!
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March 30, 2014 at 12:00 AM
I absolutely love this story I can't wait for chapter 18, hope it's soon ^_^
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March 10, 2014 at 12:00 AM
Great chapter :-)
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February 10, 2014 at 12:00 AM
love this story... I like how Sasuke just can't help himself and Naruto just sort of consumes and tops any other thing Sasuke might want or need.
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August 25, 2012 at 12:00 AM
I really love this story. I've been reading it in a stop and go kind of way for months. It was difficult for me to read at first since it was all so heart wrenching and painfully familiar. Please update it soon because I need to see this resolved.
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August 21, 2012 at 12:00 AM
so love this story... and I love hearing this from Sasuke's viewpoint because I like how he's crazy about Naruto and just can't stay away from him! So glad ur still writing this :)
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April 2, 2012 at 12:00 AM
Man, what is gonna happen next? The anticipation is killing me. I hope Sasuke and Naruto end up together. After everything I think they should be together. Man that was crazy chapter. I can't wait for the next chapter. Good luck~! <3