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June 10, 2010 at 12:00 AM
This was all over the place and awesomely awkward. I love awkward sex scenes, very realistic. Seriously, I liked this quite a lot.
Though I doubt this is the end! Continue!
:D
-CR
Though I doubt this is the end! Continue!
:D
-CR
schedule
May 13, 2010 at 12:00 AM
i really liked the story, the ending is realistic too. But i wished (being a happy sasunaru fangirl) it was a happy ending..
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May 8, 2010 at 12:00 AM
the end????? the end???? NOOOOOOO!!! please tell me there's more or another story please!!!! It can't end like that *sniff*
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May 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Omfg! Nooooooo! Oh plz tell me this isn't the end! I want to know how Sasu-chan's parents took it and Naru-chan's what of his family? There is too much to be explored here!
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May 7, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Are you f-ing crazy? that cannot be the end!!!! how did sasuke's parents react? is itachi comfortable with it? tell us more!!
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April 27, 2010 at 12:00 AM
PLEEEEEEEEEEASE update. I swear to god this is like the 12th time I've checked back. Please. PLEASE.
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April 2, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Nice work you got here :) Hopefully, we'll get to see more soon ;)
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March 23, 2010 at 12:00 AM
This has to be the third or fourth time I've checked back to see if you updated. PLEASE. I'm begging you. For the sake of NaruSasu smuttiness! :'( Great job writing it, you really did great. :D
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March 10, 2010 at 12:00 AM
MORE DAMN YOUR!!!!! MORE I SAAAAAAY!!!
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March 8, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Love this and the prequel! It is naughty and funny and the boys seem to be having a lot of fun. Now, I am very curious to find out what is Itachi’s deal, how Fugaku would take having a bisexual son, and how Naruto’s folks might react.
As far as sexy time is concerned, might I suggest the fun to be prolonged by, say, the boys exploring oral sex first? It is very rare one sees 69 in fics. =P Oh, and you get huge kudos for employing a genital piercing. I have only read one or two other fics featuring it. I am really looking forward to reading about how it feels for Sasuke to have it stimulated. Also, a barbell might be handier for wearing clothes and intercourse. Plus, hey, I can see Sasuke as the kind to pamper his body and change his jewelry regularly. =)
As far as the narrative concerned, it is easy to read. There are a few minor things that might need editing. For instance, it is actually “bearing down” and not “baring down”. You can push past something but not passed.
“For once he would agree with Sasuke, nothing was better than that mess laying there on his tray. “
I suggest looking into conjugations and participles of the verb to lie. And the wording was ambiguous. Wording it as ‘fasting would have been better than that mess lying there on his tray’ might have sounded better. Already is one word instead of two
‘He kicked at a pebble.’
I think pebble as a direct object (without the preposition) would sound more appealing.
“Fighting the urge to toe at the ground, he kept a strong gaze with Sakura..” I think keeping a firm gaze on Sakura was what you meant to say.
"Did you just say ew? Jeez Sasuke, it's not like she's worn the thing." Naruto chastised, shaking his head as he picked up the lacy thing off the floor.
"No, but it will be and I'm just reminded of my own parents and trying not to think of my uptight father getting my mother a thong."
I think “no, but she will” makes for a better response given Naruto’s line.
"Oh don't get upset. Your ass is the only ass my dick is going to get in fucking distance of." Within a fucking distance of
“Naruto's hand wrapped around to grasp at Sasuke's back thighs.” Sasuke’s anatomy sure sounds interesting. =). How about “..to grip the back of Sasuke’s thighs”. Or something
The kiss broke, Naruto finding more amusement in the noises he could have Sasuke gasping as he attacked his neck again. Gasping out would be more appropriate.
Soft lips were still playing with Sasuke's necks, drifting down to his collarbone. Sasuke’s anatomy continues to surprise! What else does he have multiples of? =P
"So what? Do I have to role that number to get access... ah." Simple typo.
“ It felt so much different then the many times that Naruto had touched himself.” Phrasing it as “So different from the many times..” would be more correct.
‘Naruto grunted an apology and returned to his task speeding up as to not be out down by his friend.’ Another typo, I am sure. Outdone is what you meant, right?
Now, everything above referred to “Denial..”, the next part deals with “How To”
"Nothing can hinder and put a damper on your plans as a young adult then a baby.”
Shizune is referring to the audience so a plural seems to make more sense“..as young adults more than’ or “like a baby.” ‘Then‘ and ‘than’ are easy to confuse, but they mean completely different things.
“So needless to say Naruto was feeling his checks heat up about having to go through with a talk like this, while sitting next to his boyfriend.”
Also, lube is quite frequently used during heterosexual intercourse, so Sakura and Ino’s glances aren’t exactly warranted. Not to mention that male masturbation is more pleasurable with lube. These lubricants are generally water-based. Anal sex lube is most frequently oil-based.
"Besides, Itachi is home tonight; no way in hell he'd let me live that down." “no way in hell would he let me live it down” I know! The phrase is really weird because the verb and the subject are placed as if in a question. But that is just how it is.
“Sakura laughed, enjoying the site.” Site means web site, the kind of sight that refers to seeing is spelled ‘sight’.
"Oh how I wish I could be that piece of paper. Having your strong hands holding me, and your intense gaze upon me." The words Naruto was spewing from his mouth sounded like some lame poet, it was hard not to laugh as he looked at Sasuke's scrunched face. It didn't take long before Naruto gave into his giggles, his head falling onto his steering wheel.
LOL! The sad thing is that an overwhelming number of SasuNaru fics sounds exactly like this. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next chapter. And I would like to once again say that the mistakes do not much detract from the story. I was just in the mood for a thorough review. =)
As far as sexy time is concerned, might I suggest the fun to be prolonged by, say, the boys exploring oral sex first? It is very rare one sees 69 in fics. =P Oh, and you get huge kudos for employing a genital piercing. I have only read one or two other fics featuring it. I am really looking forward to reading about how it feels for Sasuke to have it stimulated. Also, a barbell might be handier for wearing clothes and intercourse. Plus, hey, I can see Sasuke as the kind to pamper his body and change his jewelry regularly. =)
As far as the narrative concerned, it is easy to read. There are a few minor things that might need editing. For instance, it is actually “bearing down” and not “baring down”. You can push past something but not passed.
“For once he would agree with Sasuke, nothing was better than that mess laying there on his tray. “
I suggest looking into conjugations and participles of the verb to lie. And the wording was ambiguous. Wording it as ‘fasting would have been better than that mess lying there on his tray’ might have sounded better. Already is one word instead of two
‘He kicked at a pebble.’
I think pebble as a direct object (without the preposition) would sound more appealing.
“Fighting the urge to toe at the ground, he kept a strong gaze with Sakura..” I think keeping a firm gaze on Sakura was what you meant to say.
"Did you just say ew? Jeez Sasuke, it's not like she's worn the thing." Naruto chastised, shaking his head as he picked up the lacy thing off the floor.
"No, but it will be and I'm just reminded of my own parents and trying not to think of my uptight father getting my mother a thong."
I think “no, but she will” makes for a better response given Naruto’s line.
"Oh don't get upset. Your ass is the only ass my dick is going to get in fucking distance of." Within a fucking distance of
“Naruto's hand wrapped around to grasp at Sasuke's back thighs.” Sasuke’s anatomy sure sounds interesting. =). How about “..to grip the back of Sasuke’s thighs”. Or something
The kiss broke, Naruto finding more amusement in the noises he could have Sasuke gasping as he attacked his neck again. Gasping out would be more appropriate.
Soft lips were still playing with Sasuke's necks, drifting down to his collarbone. Sasuke’s anatomy continues to surprise! What else does he have multiples of? =P
"So what? Do I have to role that number to get access... ah." Simple typo.
“ It felt so much different then the many times that Naruto had touched himself.” Phrasing it as “So different from the many times..” would be more correct.
‘Naruto grunted an apology and returned to his task speeding up as to not be out down by his friend.’ Another typo, I am sure. Outdone is what you meant, right?
Now, everything above referred to “Denial..”, the next part deals with “How To”
"Nothing can hinder and put a damper on your plans as a young adult then a baby.”
Shizune is referring to the audience so a plural seems to make more sense“..as young adults more than’ or “like a baby.” ‘Then‘ and ‘than’ are easy to confuse, but they mean completely different things.
“So needless to say Naruto was feeling his checks heat up about having to go through with a talk like this, while sitting next to his boyfriend.”
Also, lube is quite frequently used during heterosexual intercourse, so Sakura and Ino’s glances aren’t exactly warranted. Not to mention that male masturbation is more pleasurable with lube. These lubricants are generally water-based. Anal sex lube is most frequently oil-based.
"Besides, Itachi is home tonight; no way in hell he'd let me live that down." “no way in hell would he let me live it down” I know! The phrase is really weird because the verb and the subject are placed as if in a question. But that is just how it is.
“Sakura laughed, enjoying the site.” Site means web site, the kind of sight that refers to seeing is spelled ‘sight’.
"Oh how I wish I could be that piece of paper. Having your strong hands holding me, and your intense gaze upon me." The words Naruto was spewing from his mouth sounded like some lame poet, it was hard not to laugh as he looked at Sasuke's scrunched face. It didn't take long before Naruto gave into his giggles, his head falling onto his steering wheel.
LOL! The sad thing is that an overwhelming number of SasuNaru fics sounds exactly like this. I’m eagerly looking forward to the next chapter. And I would like to once again say that the mistakes do not much detract from the story. I was just in the mood for a thorough review. =)